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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.9): The Prom is Dark and Full of Terrors

It’s the last episode before the summer season finale of Pretty Little Liars aka the un-masking of A/Charles aka what young girls/stunted adults have been waiting six seasons for. IT. IS. COMING. But first, barn proms and real proms decorated like the woods behind actual barns. What if A is a sentient barn, you guys?! That barn’s been there the whole time!!! It’s bArn!!! *Mic Drop.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We start with a montage of all the moms telling all the Liars that they’ve been banned from prom…and graduation. Classic Rosewood victim blaming. This is a mom-heavy episode you guys, so buckle up. Moms are in town and ready to drink! The Liars are devastated, especially when the moms offer a pity prom in the Hastings barn. Spencer is pissed she wasted all that time writing a commencement speech no one will ever hear, Aria is pissed that no one will get to see her Cooper the raccoon-inspired dress, Emily is pissed she doesn’t get to take Sara’s v-card in the backseat of a car. And Hanna? Pissed at the whole damn world.

The Liars are commiserating at the Brew, when Ali gets a text from Charles telling her to come to prom alone. Lorenzo walks in looking all butthurt, and Ali looks sad. too, but I seriously couldn’t care less about this romance. Aria tries calling Clark, but Ezra eavesdrops and tells her to leave it to the police. NOBODY ASKED YOU, EZRA.

Ella rushes into the Brew to tell Aria that she won the Miranda Priestly Photography scholarship for Fashionally-Challenged Teens and she’s off to Los Angeles! Aria can’t really get excited, what with the relentless threat of danger that is her very existence, but Ella encourages her to live in the moment. On the plus (???) side, Ezra is now on board being Aria’s prom date.

Caleb is off to NY to work with his dad, and Hanna is upset that he’s missing their pity prom. She notices he packed a laptop, but he assures her he’s not hunting down Charles.Sara returns Emily’s broken bike, and Emily asks her to prom. Sara wants to go, but her old school’s prom is on the same night, and she already told whatsherface she’d go. Emily is sad, but promises they’ll do something special another night.

Turns out that the police (unlike my mom) DO consider marijuana-laced gummies a drug, so Toby is suspended. He has to turn in his water pistol and chocolate badge immediately! Lorenzo is also suspended, and he brushes off Spencer like it’s her fault he couldn’t defend himself against an arcade game. I hope someone chucks a skee-ball directly at his head.

Over at the Marin house, Emily is trying to calm down Hanna, who keeps calling Caleb. Ashley comes downstairs with the prom necklace her mother gave her, hoping to give it to Hanna. Ashley tells Emily that they deserve to get all dolled up and dance and feel beautiful despite the fact that they’re promming it up in a barn.

Ali gets a phone call, but there is silence on the other end. She assumes it’s Charles and tells him that she’s not allowed at prom. She begs him to talk to her, but all she hears is the wind shaking the bushes outside.

Spencer meets up with Lorenzo at the Brew to convince him to forgive Alison. I mean, so she stole his key card. Big whoop, that barely breaks into the Top Ten DiLaurentis Dick Moves. I mean, she BLINDED a girl with firecrackers and then blackmailed her stepbrother into taking the fall for it! Biiiiiiitch please. And by bitch I mean Lorenzo. Regardless, Spencer invites him to the barn prom.

Speaking of, the barn prom is in full swing, with the moms dishing out seafood and nachos (gross combo) while the sky thunders ominously. Veronica offers them some wine, and they turn it down for two seconds until they start pounding the pinot. Like Ashley Fucking Marin is gonna turn down free wine. That would be the most unbelievable thing that ever happened on this show, and that includes Spencer getting clues from A BIRD.

Ali shows up in her golden prom dress to wave at the moms, before scurrying off into the bushes towards the real prom. A Red Cape follows her, because capes are more formal than coats obvs.

Inside the barn, Ezra is taking pictures of the Liars, whose dresses range from gorgeous to meh. I was hoping for something crazier from Aria, but I guess I’ll have to settle for that headband situation. Aria sees a confirmation email for a plane ticket to LAX on Ezra’s phone. Back in the house, a tanked Veronica spills the deets about Jason’s real dad. Oops.

The Liars are looking at Instagram photos from the real prom and gossiping about it…until they see photos of Ali at prom. Ali is at prom to meet up with Charles, but Clark is also there taking photos and being sketchy. Also, this prom is bonkers…it’s full of fake trees and moss and masked waiters and more capes than an opera house. It’s like Eyes Wide Shut meets Into the Woods.

Meanwhile, Veronica has told the other moms about the Jason scandal. She then complains that she can’t even enjoy her fucking garden anymore, because Mrs. DiLaurentis just HAD to get buried in it and her grass has never grown back right since. As Veronica stumbles inside, the moms decide to follow her in as opposed to keeping an eye on their daughters. Great work, everymom!

The Liars sneak out of the barn prom and into the real prom, and it’s crazy easy. No one stops them, nor do they stop the former teacher who is apparently there as a student’s date. Aria confronts Clark, who claims he was hired to take photos. Aria tries to question him, but a teacher shows up to shoo him away to photograph the ice sculptures. She tells Aria to leave, but then immediately disappears and is never heard from again.

Veronica Hastings has reached that unpredictable, bossy stage of drunkenness, and the moms try to calm her down and make small talk about the crystal ware. Pam thinks that Charles isn’t to blame for everything the girls went through, and that maybe there was someone else. I believe her, because Pam worked at the police department for five minutes, making her infinitely more qualified than Toby. I mean, she’s basically a lieutenant at this point, right? Veronica storms off next door to interrogate Mr. DiLaurentis, and the moms hustle after her.

I really love the cutting back and forth between the moms and the Liars as both teams are investigating and acting suspiciously like their kids. Veronica is off to interrogate and accuse like a total Spencer, Pam is trying to be a logical voice of reason like Emily, Ashley is making jokes like Hanna, and Ella is…well, you know. It’s basically Now and Then, but with mothers and daughters and no Brendan Fraser.

The Liars confront Ali at the prom, and Ali is pissed because they’re gonna scare Charles away. She asks them to leave her alone and storms off.

Sara Harvey shows up to prom, and Emily is all touched that she would skip her own prom to come to this shit show. Sara says she didn’t want the night to pass without dancing with Emily, and Tumblr collectively bursts into tears of rage.

The Mom club bursts into the unlocked (?!) DiLaurentis house, and Veronica starts hollering for Ken to show himself. His car is in the garage and his scotch is on the table, alongside an evidence envelope with a picture of baby Charles inside. The moms all gasp when Rhys Matthews appears out of thin air.

Spencer tries to stop Ali from finding Charles, and begs her not to follow her worst instincts. Ali is desperate to know why Charles hates her so much, and accuses Spencer of never really liking her anyway.

Caleb shows up to prom, wearing an ascot like he’s Fred from Scooby Doo. Hanna demands to know where he was, but he promises he’ll tell her after one dance.

The moms question Rhys, who is looking for Ken to talk about the Carissimi group funds. You know, just casually breaking and entering to talk about business at night. Like you do. He leaves, and Ella is all, “That must have been Charles, right?”

Ali still can’t find Charles, and is now just yelling his name at passing waiters hoping to find him. BTW, what kind of prom has waiters? In masks? My prom had a sad punch bowl monitored by a chain-smoking geometry teacher.

Aria tells Ezra she doesn’t want him coming to LA with her, but Ezra tells her it’s only a layover on his way to Thailand to do Habitat for Humanity. They agree it’s a great idea for them both to move on.

Spencer dances with Toby and complains about all the time she wasted writing her commencement speech. She wrote about loving unconditionally and selflessness and inspiration…and apparently she’s talking about Toby. They kiss, and while they’re kissing Ali scurries off into the football field-sized fake forest.Sara and Emily dance together, and Sara tells Emily she means a lot to her. SNOOZE.

The moms are still in the DiLaurentis house, ready to get their snoop on, when they hear a noise in the basement. They head downstairs, only to be locked in said basement like a bunch of season one Liars. Amateurs.

Caleb tells Hanna that he was in NYC interviewing for a job and now he’s gonna be an information risk analyst at a secret fancy company, despite not having a GED or a college education. He’ll be making enough money to support them both and pay for Hanna’s tuition! Hooray? I’d question the logic of all this, but this hardly the most ridiculous premise this show has given us so let’s just go with it.

The moms are locked in the basement and freaking out, because they’ve never really dealt with these kinds of A shenanigans. Except that time Ashley got arrested for Wilden’s murder. And Pam had a car drive through her living room. And Ella got attacked by bees inside her car. And Jessica DiLaurentis’s dead body ruined Veronica’s azaleas. None of them brought a phone, because moms be momming.

Ali keeps getting texts from Charles telling her that she’s running out of time to find him. Just tell her where to go Charles, this prom is filled with masks and capes and a built-to-scale forest! Give the girl a compass or a clue or something. Ali follows a red hood into the prom cavern, past couples making out, past Spanish moss, past that tree from The Wizard of Oz that chucks apples at people.

The Liars see Clark following Ali, so the boys grab him and take his gun. Clark shows them his badge, revealing he is an undercover cop. Twist! He rushes off after Ali, but of course she’s scurried away.

Ali wanders deeper into the forest and ends up in Mirror Grove, where Charles breaks the mirrors and covers her mouth, dragging her off. The Liars called the police, and they split up to find Ali. Lorenzo shows up, having decided to be less of a tool, and quickly joins the Ali hunt.

The moms tried to stick Ashley up a chimney like she’s Dick Van Dyke or some shit, but she doesn’t find an exit. Now she’s covered in dirt and cobwebs. They wonder how the girls made it through all the A torture, and Pam literally says “we had ONE job to do tonight”. LOLOLOL, good one Pam.

The Liars find Ali’s phone and the broken mirrors. Ali screams at Charles and demands that he talk to her. Charles removes his mask, and a shocked Ali whispers, “It’s you,” and we fade to black.

One more week, folks. One more week! Who do you think is on the A-team? Tweet me @Chelseaprocrast

And where the actual fuck is Mona? I hope next week she pops out of a fake tree stump and schools the shit out of everyone.

Big thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. I’ll be your barn prom date any day of the week.

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