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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.08): The one about the lesbians who wouldn’t U-Haul

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura tries to call Jane’s cohabitation bluff by buying her a new couch. It doesn’t work so Maura burns down Jane’s apartment instead.

Jane walks into Maura’s place without knocking, naturally. Why would she knock? She lives there officially now, right? Wait, right? Wait, she isn’t living there? Well then why the hell did they burn down her apartment in the first place?

Actually, Jane had been staying in Maura’s “guest room” for four days. But then she got too paranoid about people figuring out their true relationship. So she fled to a hotel with a terrible mattress. Maura can only smile and sigh at her. The things we endure for love.

Jane pretends she is fine. She bought a new shirt and everything. But Maura wants her to process her loss. Jane says all she lost was 20 identical T-shirts. She knows she just described pretty much every lesbian’s wardrobe, right? Maura offers to let her wear her stuff, but Jane it apparently too dense to understand that half the joy in dating a woman in the automatic doubling of your clothing options.

While Jane is avoiding the lifetime of memories that went up in smoke (due to faulty wiring/a girlfriend who is sick of pretending they don’t live together), Maura is avoiding her cell. It keeps buzzing, but she keeps letting it buzz. Jane, being a good detective and nosey girlfriend, looks to see who is blowing up Maura’s phone.

It’s A.I.—no, not that creepy Haley Joel Osment robot. It’s Maura’s father—the real adoptive one, not the mobster biological one who Jane shot and now is in prison—Arthur Isles. Maura steadfastly refuses to answer his calls, and instead starts singing French nursery rhymes to calm herself. See, it’s little idiosyncrasies like this that make Jane love Maura and guarantee that, one day, she will move in for good.

As Jane is trying to explain why she hasn’t done so already, Mama Rizzoli wanders in from the guesthouse. Jane changes the subject to baseball immediately. She makes up some story about wanting to see a new player and Mama R chimes in that he is a “cutie.” Then Maura and Jane exchange knowing looks as Jane agrees that a “cutie” is exactly what Jane is looking for in a ballplayer and/or any sort of male.

Definitely. So straight, much heterosexual.

Maura catches on that Jane’s cover story for not wanting to move in with her is that she doesn’t want to live with her mother. Mama R, meanwhile, thinks they’re both crazy for thinking anyone doesn’t already know they’re a couple. And tells them, flat-out, “I don’t understand you two.” Same, Mama R, same.

Jane gets saved by the bell, and Maura succumbs and answers her phone, too. So finally we “Rizzoli” and “Isles” our way into another case no one really cares about. But whatever it takes to keep those Adorable Bickersons bickering adorably, right?

The ladies continue to bicker on their way to the crime scene. I ask you, how many “best friends” argue about the mother of one of the friends that the other lets live for free in her guesthouse? And then argue about how the other friend doesn’t open up about her obvious animosity to her father enough? None, because these ladies clearly aren’t just “gal pals,” duh.

The Victim of the Week was a blinged out jeweler to the stars who went by the name Ten Mohs. His dumb moniker has something to do with the maximum hardness scale for gems, and his shiny suit. Maura notices that the dead guy also sparkles. Holy shit, you guys—we’ve crossed over with Twilight. Ten Mohs is actually Edward Cullen. OK, but Kristen Stewart better show up, too, and mope around in some flannel.

Maura makes some digs at tacky jewelry and stripper makeup. Later, Jane walks into the autopsy room and the first thing Maura tells her is she has been “thinking about your wardrobe.” Subtle transition, Maura. Clearly someone is taking this whole house-burned-down situation as a perfect opportunity for a girlfriend makeover.

Maura wants to get Jane a few high-quality pieces, but Jane just wants a new pair of pants. This is real life when a fashionista dates a woman whose entire wardrobe is matching T-shirts.

While Jane and Maura are hashing out clothing options, Susie’s Unwelcome Crotchblocking Stand-in (SUCS, for short—get it?) pops in out of thin air. Was he accompanied by a sulfur smell? Because he has clearly come directly from Writers’ Room Hell.

Captain SUCS is filled with useless factoids about diamond dust and makes the egregious error of comparing douchey jeweler to Cher. Nope, no. Shut it down. Even a closeted gay like Jane knows one does not disrespect Cher like that.

Jane then makes a crack about Maura and him getting married and having wimpy children. And we all laugh and laugh because we all know she is going to marry Maura and their children will kick everyone’s asses at tetherball—and science.

A whole bunch of Red Herrings pop up including Ten Mohs’ rival jewelers and his baby mama. Then somehow the Amazon rainforest is also a suspect. I don’t really know, I’m not really paying that much attention because I’m still puzzling over why Jane hasn’t officially moved in with Maura yet. It would finally become the wacky “roommate” comedy this show has always secretly wanted to be.

Frankie fields a call from Mama R and leaves to meet her. Korsak complains that talking to one’s mother isn’t working, but we know he is only teasing because that’s 85 percent of what the Rizzolis do during any given workday.

Maura is, of course, included in those stats as an honorary Rizzoli as evidenced by her inclusion in the emergency meeting Mama R has just called. She wants them all to discuss Jane’s feelings. Mama R announces that she will move in with Frankie and Jane will move into Maura’s guesthouse. Damn, when even your mom is trying to get you to commit and finally move in with your girlfriend you know it’s time to stop resisting.

Maura calls it a “beautiful” idea, in so many words. Mama R agrees and says after such a personal loss Jane needs her girlfriend, in so many words. Frankie seems less thrilled, but who cares about what Frankie thinks. Just be glad you’re a secondary character who still gets to appear on television, buddy.

While the family meeting is happening, Jane and Korsak go to interrogate the rainforest. He isn’t in, but instead they find some stuffy guy in a suit who is trying to dispatch them. Jane goes all, “I’m the law in these parts, buster.” But then finds out the man she is giving the stare down is actually Arthur Isles. Hello, future father-in-law, nice to awkwardly meet you.

Jane immediately runs to tell Maura. But first she makes her guess who she just ran into. Maura goes through a litany of discarded secondary characters: Tommy, Jo Friday’s adoptive family, Tasha, Giovanni, Cavanaugh, Lydia, Rondo, Bass, Hope, Cailin, Maura’s kidney. Yeah, Frankie, don’t get too cocky about your storyline. You could easily join that list, dude.

When Jane tells her it was her dad, Maura noticeably stiffens. She pretends to be happy they finally met and nonchalant about his association with a killer rainforest. But Jane has had enough and sits down to process Maura’s feelings about her father. Maura insists nothing is wrong even though she has a terrible poker face. Jane should know, that’s how she has won every single game of strip poker they’ve ever played.

Next Captain SUCS literally pops out of nowhere to scare Jane with random factoids about pufferfish. I’d also like to note that it has now been three full episodes since the universally liked Senior Criminalist Susie Chang’s death and no one has mentioned her even once. Yet this guy, who is pretty much universally disliked, appears to annoy us out of nowhere on the regular. Think about your life, think about your choices, writers.

Jane dubs him “weird” and Maura agrees, but is too busy accusing her father of possibly being the pufferfish killer to put much heart into it. Jane looks at her girlfriend like, honey, I know the daddy issues are deep but, really, murder? Maura dials it back, but only a little.

All of Maura’s familial drama has Jane so distracted she forgets to get off the elevator. Aw, see how much she cares? Of course, if your girlfriend looked like Dr. Maura Isles, you’d be driven to distraction, too.

Frankie is also distracted, and also about Maura. But mostly he’s in a panic about having Mama R move in with him. Come on, junior, take one for the team. We all know on this show your happiness is secondary to Jane and Maura’s. Those are just the rules. Again, be glad you have lines.

Frankie tells her the plan to have her move in with Maura and Jane is like, “Sweet, finally! I mean, whatever, that works.” But he weasels Jane into talking with Mama R about the living arrangements anyway.

Later at the Dirty Robber, Korsak shows off yet another one of his many skills (besides speaking Spanish and rescuing animals). He is also frontman for its house band. His music makes the backdrop for the Big Rizzoli Living Situation Discussion. Jane tells Mama R she should stay in the guesthouse, since she sleeps in Maura’s bedroom anyway. Instead she’ll move in with Frankie for appearances. Sibling as beard? Really, Jane, we’ve stooped to this?

Maura returns from the restroom and is informed of the new arrangements. Her reply is an aggravated, “Oh, God.” Yep, I knew she’d finally get fed up. Fine, it might also have been because her father just walked in. So Maura throws some serious title shade at him by calling him a “PhD” instead of a “doctor.”

He directs them to yet another Red Herring. They next day they go to check it out, but before Jane can leave she runs into professor-not-doctor Isles again. He is waiting to talk with her because his wife told him “how important you are to Maura.”

Jesus, everyone knows. EVERYONE. Everyone in the Rizzoli/Isles family is aware of their very special gay lady relationship: Mama R, Frankie, Tommy, Constance, Hope, Paddy and now Arthur. Next thing you know they’ll get together for an intervention where they sit them down and say, “It’s OK, we know. You’re here, you’re queer. We’re over it, you should be, too.”

Jane panics, thinking this is actually what is in store for her. But instead he just wants Jane to put in a good for about him with Maura. Jane is like, dude, she gave her kidney to a practical stranger so whatever you did has to be really, really terrible because that women is an angel put on this earth to spout scientific facts, catch bad guys and look amazing in pencil skirts.

The last Red Herring gets summarily dismissed. So they start to zero in on the real suspect, Ten Mohs’ business partner. Captain SUCS pops up, once again, to irritate us. Jane asks the fundamental question we’ve all been asking, “Why are you here?” Why indeed, Jane, why indeed.

Blah blah blah, they track down his partner, confront her in the store and arrest her. I wonder if anyone has ever done a statistical analysis of the amount of time this show spends on actually solving the crimes versus the actual fun relationship stuff we really care about. I’d guess about 30 percent crime, 70 percent good stuff. So, now that that is over, we move on to the aforementioned good stuff.

Jane is in Frankie’s apartment pretending she is actually going to spend a significant amount of time there. He is laying down “ground rules.” Jane immediately tries to find his porn drawer, for purely scientific reasons I am sure. Also, I thought Frankie’s name was Francesco. What’s all this Francis business?

There’s a knock at the door and it’s Maura, obviously. You can run to your brother’s apartment, Jane, but you can’t hide from our Big Gayzzoli Ending. She wants to talk privately so Jane takes her to her new “room.” I put that in quotes because Jane is living in what appears to be a utility closet. As metaphors go, this could not be more apt.

Maura tells her what she says cannot leave the room, then takes off her jacket. Um, do you guys wanna tie a brassiere to the doorknob so Frankie gets the picture? Maura confesses that when she was 14 she caught her father sleeping with her best friend’s mom. And he asked her to keep the secret, which she kept from her mother all these years.

So that’s why Maura resents her father. And that’s why Maura has such a hard time not telling the truth. That one lie has consumed her. Jane looks at Maura, her eyes filled with liquid love. Maura worries Jane will think she is a coward. And Jane says she lives in a tiny utility closet in order to avoid coming out, so she has no right to judge. Then Jane offers to shoot him for her. Well, we all you know how good she is at shooting Maura’s kin.

And then they hugged, and they kissed, and they spooned the rest of the night away in that tiny, tiny closet of love.

And now on to all of your incredulous #gayzzoli tweets wondering why Jane and Maura haven’t moved in together yet.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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