“The Fosters” recap (3.9): For never was a story of more woe

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon got kicked out of Idyllwild, then welcomed back and is still in the running to being America’s Next Top Pianist/Composer. Mariana wanted to have sex with Mat, he said no thanks, she got drunk and had sex with a hair model and broke up with Mat. Callie was all set to be adopted until the writers realized they are totally a one trick pony show and decided to yank her around again while dangling the eyeball gouging possibility of Brallie for the third, count ‘em third, season in a row. Jude was actual perfection. Carmen claimed that Rita smacked her when everyone knows it was evil newcomer Brooke Cullen, vampire and all around terrible human. Monte kissed Lena and Lena decided that she wouldn’t tell Stef in spite of it being the dumbest move in the history of marriage. (Lena, sweetheart, anyone who ever watched any television show ever knows that this is a stupid move. Stop sabotaging your marriage and tell your wife.) Meanwhile, Stef has her head so far up her plumbing about leaking pipes and catching the guy who put her kids in the hospital that she isn’t even paying attention to Rome burning. And that’s what you missed on As the Adams Fosters Turns.

At Girls United where Callie is staying (in spite of having a father with a perfectly lovely home not full of people who want to beat her ass) the ladies are all participating in group. Callie calls BS on Rita punching Carmen and wants to know what Brooke has on her. Brooke twirls her mustache and pets the white cat on her lap and says, “Mwahahaha, wouldn’t you love to know?” Carmen sticks to her dumb story but nobody’s buying it.

Fosters 3091 Mind your own business, Potter!

Stef has a theory. She’s so excited about her shiny, new theory she is practically vibrating with excitement when she shows the security footage to Mike. Look it’s Joe Olson, white boy with a cut over his eye. He didn’t hit the twins but he has a friend who did and that’s why he’s in the pharmacy. Stef jumps up and down and expects to be handed a cookie for her hard work. Mike gives Lena a look that says “I’m glad she’s your problem now,” and tells Stef she has an interesting theory. AJ swoop in all packed and ready to go to give Mike a much-needed out.

Mariana, reformed attention seeker and all around awesome kid, comes in a declares that it is terrible that all her brothers and sisters are never around. Being the only kid at home with two moms who can’t communicate for shit really sucks. I love how much Mariana has grown on this show; she is really the best. Lena gets off the phone and reports that the social worker wasn’t convinced by Callie and Brandon’s stories about how they never, ever, ever, violated that restraining order.

Brooke skulks into Callie room and flashes some seriously menacing dance moves I think she learned from West Side Story. She’s a Jet and Callie’s a Shark, you dig? Callie better get a move on or her boyfriend will cut her face. Not so pretty or witty or gay.

Tony and Brandon bicker over who gets how much practice time with Jin. They haggle until the teacher calls Brandon forward. He encourages Brandon to have a big ego because he is exceptional and he might just win this competition. Don’t you say things!

Callie would like Stef to describe the exact inconsistencies in her story. She whips out a notebook but Stef won’t bite. Kiara and Daphne will back her up but Stef is worried about Carmen. Callie, ever the loyal sort, is more worried about Rita. This is a wonderful trait, Callie but you do tend to muck things up for yourself when you decide to rescue everyone else. You kind of have a saving people thing, you know? Stef thinks they are going to have Callie all adopted by the end of next week which shows she doesn’t watch TV either.

Fosters 3092Am I invisible? Can you not see me here? Stop talking about boning the principal!

Inappropriate Jenna is back and she is dishing all about her sex life with Monte. Mariana is totally grossed out picturing Jenna and her principal scissoring. Lena chops vegetables and tries not to fixate too much on Jenna talking about Monte’s boobs. Jenna wants to know if Monte is in love with her because she’s not very chatty. Lena wouldn’t know about that since she has spent the last year only speaking to Monte. Brandon bops in and asks for a room at Idyllwild so he can get ready for the big performance. Jenna has a brilliant idea, why doesn’t she borrow her buddy’s cabin so Brandon has a place to crash and then they can have a big awkward couples weekend. It will be just like that time on The L Word when everyone went to Whistler. Wait, or that time they all went on the boat. Er, maybe the time they went to Dinah Shore? Dammit! Nothing good ever happens on “couples weekends.” Seriously, people, watch TV!

Fosters 3093I can even make eating this snap pea seem inappropriate.

Callie takes out the garbage and nearly gets run down by Brooke’s boyfriend in his muscle car. He hops out and chases Callie to the house and she slams the gate in his face. Brooke tells her that if she doesn’t watch it he will get her next time. She’s like Dr. Evil levels of absurd villain. Daphne and Kiara tell Callie to get the hell out of there.

AJ stops by the see his grandmother who has had a stroke. She wakes up and recognizes him. While she’s telling Mike to take good care of AJ, Ty walks in. AJ tries to talk to Ty but no, AJ made his choice to live with Mike instead of running off with Ty. Ty wants nothing to do with him so he stalks off and hops in a car with—you guessed it—Joe Olson! Everyone who said Ty was the driver six episodes ago can have a cookie. Mike steals the pen from the sign-in book because he watches SVU and knows he can get prints off of it!

Miss Marple has figured out why Carmen wants her high school diploma all of a sudden. She stole Brooke’s drugs and will get in trouble if she tests positive. Carmen can’t join the army if she tests positive so she has to keep Brooke’s secret about both the drugs and punching her in the face. If Callie tells to save Rita, Carmen will tell all about her rendezvous with Brandon. Third verse same as the first. Callie’s not getting adopted.

Brandon is frustrated because Jin isn’t getting the emotional complexity of his piece. Truly, who can understand the deep, swirling, emotions of such a complex soul a Brandon Foster? Jin asks him to explain it but Brandon gets mad, kicks him out, and then throws a couple of music stands. It’s pretty metal. Mat walks in and says, “You poor, tortured artist, the world bleeds for you.” Ha ha. Nope. Mat is like, “Dude, pull it together and stop acting like a toddler.” I love Mat.

In a thoroughly shocking turn of events Lena and Monte will be spending most of the evening alone with twelve bottles of wine and chemistry that could power Manhattan. What could possibly go wrong?

Fosters 3094 You look like my next mistake.

Back in toddler town, Brandon can’t believe how the world is so stacked against him. Mat tells him to quit bitching and dig in or give up. Brandon has never been spoken to like this before and doesn’t understand why Mat isn’t indulging in this glorious pity party. Mat says, play the damn thing yourself, dude and if you need help just ask.

Callie knows if Carmen rats her out she will never get adopted (or at least not until next season when we need more drama). Brooke swoops in like a Death Eater and growls about the mudblood messing up her Slytherin life. Daphne sprays Brooke with the hose and watches her melt into a puddle. Brooke is so bananas she would be too over the top for Rosewood (a town where we buy that Ali is a time traveling wizard who was in three states on the night she died and got saved by Sybil Trelawny and a parrot who gives clues over the phone.)

Fosters 3095 Brallie.