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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.09): The surly girlfriend with the fringe on top

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane gets cold feet about moving in with Maura. Mama Rizzoli tries to U-Haul them, but she still moves in with Frankie instead. Maura visits anyway and they talk about her daddy issues.

Jane barges into Maura’s place per usual, but this morning she has an extra spring in her step. Did I say spring? I meant to say swish. Our intrepid detective has upgraded her wardrobe per Dr. Maura Isles’ suggestion. Did I say upgraded? I meant to say fringed. She fringed the fuck out.

Jane calls Maura a “genius” for pushing her to change up her look. And she is excited to branch out even more into the exciting world of overalls. You know when Dr. Frankenstein looks up and realizes he has created a monster. That’s just about the same look of terror Maura has on her face when she sees Jane’s new fashion sense. Like, “Dear God, what have I done?”

Still, Maura manages to keep it relatively cool. She does her best to pretend her horror isn’t palpable. So she puts on a brave good girlfriend face and tries to politely sidestep the style atrocities in front of her. But, as a gay woman, you know she was also having some serious Indigo Girls circa the Strange Fire era flashbacks. Like, I mean late ’80s Melissa Etheridge called and she wants her jacket back.

Maura gets saved, somewhat, by the bell. It’s A.I., but as Jane notes, she is still avoiding calls from “our father.” Isn’t it nice when they slip up and show us how they really feel? I mean, sometimes it’s not even a slip up. Maura is quite literally letting her mother-in-law live with her for free.

Jane continues to assert her familial rights by stealing Maura’s phone to text professor-not-doctor Isles to set up a time for the two to finally talk. Maura snatches her phone back and gives her a patented girlfriend glare. Oh, you know the one. But then Jane presses her to get it all out with him once and for all.

Maura calls the kettle black and throws Jane’s inability to discuss her feelings back at her. Oh, kids, get the popcorn. This is gonna be one of those arguments. That’s right, Maura, tell her how it feels to have to keep your relationship a secret. Tell her how ridiculous it is she is living with her brother instead of you. Tell her how it feels to live a lie.

Naturally Jane deflects and brings it all back to the fringe. Oh, Jane. Never mind, I don’t know why I keep complaining about you being in the closet. You’re swishing around in a fringe leather jacket. I don’t think it’s physically possible for a lesbian to be more out than that.

While Jane and Maura may be feeling crime solving/target shooting while riding a horse incredible, they still have a case to solve. So they “Rizzoli” and “Isles” themselves into another “terrible” murder. Again, I implore the dispatchers to save time and rollover minutes by just calling one of them. We all know they’re always together anyway.

At the scene Korsak compliments Jane’s jacket. She gives all the sartorial credit to Maura, who quickly refuses it and practically sprints away form the bad fashion. As she leaves, Korsak checks in with Jane to affirm that she is indeed “messing” with Maura. And everyone chuckles because these are the ridiculously cute things couples do to one another sometimes.

The Victim of the Week is a sort of nebbish looking guy who has been bashed in the head and fallen off a cliff. Back in the lab Maura shows off her toys to Jane. Please, not like that, they’re working. Her science toys, of course.

Meanwhile, Nina has discovered that our nerdy victim had not one, not two, but 32 girlfriends. So, then, that first edition copy of Don Juan he had in his dorm room made a little more sense. Just a little, though, because kids today all know you can just read it online for free, anyway.

The dead guy was having text relationships with almost three dozen women. Frankie is nonplussed, but Nina seems somewhat wooed after reading his sweet texts to the women. Here’s a tip from us lesbians to all the straight dudes of the world: Straight women want to be romanced-and no one wants unsolicited dick pics.

They find one agro husband who found out about his wife’s secret boyfriend and texted him threats. Jane and Korsak go to check it out, but it’s OK, because he was just her secret virtual boyfriend. Yes, lonely housewives, there’s finally an app for that.

When they return to the office, Jane finds Nina setting up her own virtual boyfriend. But, don’t worry, it’s purely for science. She narrows her potential fake mates to someone who likes horses, and then further down a funny cowboy. Jane gets all excited at this prospect because someone is clearly a secret fan of the gay rodeo.

When Nina’s fake match appears, Jane comments that he is “somebody you could have a beer with.” Could your gay be showing anymore, Jane? First fringe and now beers with a cowboy? Maura is most definitely getting a cowgirl hat for her next birthday.

Maura goes to meet her father for some routine paperwork about the family trust. Wow, that is a sentence I’ve never typed before. Maura does her best to treat their visit like a Craigslist transaction. Meet in a public place. Be surrounded by other people. Have an exit plan if things get weird. She tries to execute said plan with a curt goodbye, but professor-not-doctor Isles asks to talk.

Maura tells him she doesn’t know how to talk with him, and hasn’t since she was 14. He tells her to basically get over it, since her mother forgave him ages ago. But Maura is having none of it, because she has had to carry around this “terrible secret” which traumatizes her to this day.

He tells her he was oblivious and thought sending her to boarding school would fix things. Sorry, Mr. Isles, you’re confused—sending your daughter to boarding school turns her lesbian. What? It does in all the movies.

Her father tries to apologize, saying how much he regrets everything and misses her. But then Maura drops the ice hammer and says she missed him, too. But then got over it. Yeah, and the cold never bothered her anyway.

When the team goes to visit the app developers, Frankie muses aloud about who would use such a service. Women at work who want the boss to stop hitting on her. Or gay guys who aren’t out to their families. He knows because before Jane met Maura she had a similar app on her phone.

Speaking of Jane, she goes to see Maura in her office. Like a good girlfriend, she immediately asks how it went with her dad. Maura says she doesn’t feel any different. But Jane decides to test out whether she has indeed unburdened herself. So she commands Maura to lie to her, to see if she breaks out in hives. And she demands it be a big lie “so it counts.”

Red alert, red alert. This is not a drill, people. Brace for impact. Maura’s eyes widen and we all wait for The Lie, the big lie at the heart of this whole show, to finally be spoken out loud. Say it, Maura, say it. Say, “I’m not in love with you.” Let the lie wash over you as it has washed over us for six seasons.

But instead she punts and says, “I really like your new jacket. Fringe has always been one of my favorites.” Look, ma, no hives. Jane considers it a breakthrough and, before she has to run off, admits the jacket was just a prank. Then Maura says to herself, “Jane, I love it when you play pranks on me because I know it’s your secret way of showing how much you love me.”

At the Dirty Robber, Korsak and Mama Rizzoli are having a heart-to-heart about Kiki. They had a fight and he is trying to figure out the perfect way to apologize. But instead she shows up and we finally get to meet his mystery lady. She is, naturally, gorgeous. And also wayyyy younger than Korsak. In fact the actress, Christina Chang, who plays her is 21 years younger than Bruce McGill in real life.

Look, I like Korsak’s character and wish him nothing but happiness. But these older-man, younger-woman May-December relationships really are tiring. There were no more age-appropriate 50- or 60-something actresses available anywhere?

I’m actually somewhat confused by the whole Kiki storyline. When the writers were keeping her out of sight, it was sort of a recurring joke. Korsak has a Kiki, get it? But now that she is a flesh-and-blood person the whole slow reveal is rather odd.

Kiki agrees, and asks him why it has taken Korsak so long to introduce her to his friends. Why indeed. So Korsak sets up a get together for everyone to meet her. Yes, they’re about to have a Kiki to meet Kiki.

Maura is warming up for the party already at the Dirty Robber. Her father stops by to pick up the paperwork and apologize once more. He invites her to a seminar about Khmuic tribes from Thailand and Laos as an olive branch. Maura confesses she finds the Khmu language wonderfully rhythmic.

And all of a sudden I recall an episode of Globe Trekker (formerly Lonely Planet) where the host visited the Long Horn Miao people in Southwest China and recorded some village girls singing. Their voices were so mesmerizing and, yes, wonderfully rhythmic. I need to rewatch that episode. Sorry, sometimes I forget I’m writing about a television show and not for a personal journal.

While the lure of an anthropology lecture on Southeast Asian culture is tempting, Maura declines. So her father walks away. Of course the only parental figure she actually gets along with, Mama R, has been listening the whole time. She promptly goes all maternal on Maura, and tells her to try living without the pain and anger of being closeted, er, her father’s infidelity. Mama R suggests she tries something different to see what happens.

Maura naturally runs to Jane to process what she has just processed with her mother. God, could these two be any gayer? Nina rushes over to tell them about a development on the case no one cares even remotely about. The victim’s other cell phone is uploading photos to the cloud. Maura recognizes some flowers from the park and Jane tries to get her to pinpoint the location in words she can understand.

But, alas, Jane doesn’t know where the butterflies nest each spring because Jane refuses to go on hikes with Maura. Aw, see, no time is the wrong time to process your relationship with your girlfriend.

Because now it has been four full episodes without a mention of Senior Criminalist Susie Chang’s death, Nina has to quite literally step in and stop our Adorable Bickersons from bickering adorably. Poor Nina, even she knows she is now a reluctant surrogate Captain Crotchblock, because before interrupting she flat-out says, “I don’t want to be that person…”

Jane decides to finally be a good girlfriend and takes Maura on that nature hike-to find the missing cellphone. Instead they find a bunch of smart-alecky teenage skaters who are fully aware of their rights as citizens. The nerve. They won’t hand their phones over to Jane, even though she is wearing her Aviators of Sexy Justice.

But Maura runs up to show her a selfie taken by the person with the phone and the chase is on. But skater boy doesn’t get far because Nina kicks a gate at him and then cuffs him like a boss. Jane declares her a “badass” and Maura gives her a look like, “See, this is why I have a thing for lady cops.”

The skater boy is Red Herring No. I lost count, but one of the earlier Red Herrings gives some information that points the finger back at the wife of the jealous husband. So they go to talk with her again and instead find her about to make a spouse flambé.

Jane, Frankie and Korsak bust in and try to talk her out of turning her husband extra crispy. But she still throws the lighter. Luckily Korsak is good with his hands and catches it midair. Hmm, well, maybe that’s what Kiki sees in him.

So, case closed. Time for our Big Gayzzoli Moment, but now with more fringe. Jane comes in to pick up Maura for the big Kiki Party. Is that redundant? But she is very conspicuously wearing the dreaded fringe jacket, partly because she is still messing with her girlfriend and partly because she got gasoline on her actual jacket.

Maura can’t contain her distaste anymore. Like, there are little white lies you tell in relationships. But this, this would be a White Whale. But she remains resolute in sitting Jane down because, “There is something that I wanted to say.” Jane sighs, sensing a big emotional proclamation. She is so bad with feelings, I swear.

So Maura takes a deep breath. This is, practically, verbatim.

Maura: I am who I am because of the things that have happened in my life-the good and the bad. (Like that girl in college who I thought was the one but turned out to be just a L.U.G.) My relationships with my family have been challenging at times and they certainly had a significant influence. But other people have been just as important. (Which is why, in the LGBT community, we have chosen our own families throughout time.)

Jane: Do you mean the super smart and funny people that don’t mind borrowing leftovers from your fridge? (Like, is there a greater sign of love and devotion than eating food from your Dead Fridge?)

Maura: If it wasn’t for you, Jane, and your family I think I would probably be one of those people that is sitting home on a Friday night reading medical journals. (You complete me, Jane Rizzoli.) And instead I’m heading out for the evening surrounded by friends. (Love makes a family.)

Deep meaningful eye sex follows. Though, Maura might also be engaging in some ocular hanky panky to avoid looking at Jane’s jacket.

But there’s no use because Jane engages in more post-coital swishing. The woman can’t help herself. She loves the fringe. Maura can only shake her head and plead her girlfriend not to do it in public. Oh, ladies, the things we do for the people we love.

Jane promises to just do it to the car, because love means not embarrassing your girlfriend with your horrible fashion choices. And poor Maura laughs at her enormous goofball of a girlfriend. Love, it really does make you do the wacky.

It should have ended there, but-oh yeah-everyone has to meet Kiki. They love her because she is great and funny and still way too young for Korsak. But Maura cuts out early. Before she goes Jane tells her, “Just so you know, the fringe is always here for you.” In my mind “fringe” is forever now a euphemism for a particular body part and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Maura goes off to find her father and attend the lecture together. And they bond over which obscure Southeast Asian dialect they prefer. Like father, like daughter. Except, of course, Maura would never cheat on Jane.

And now onto your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. Damn, you guys have a lot of feelings about fringe this episode.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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