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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.10): Hey, buddy, no need to get lippy

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane loves to swing. Maura hates the fringe. Nina is a badass.

This morning, in a shocking turn of events, Maura is at Jane’s place (well, really Frankie’s place). Dr. Isles has schlepped half her closet with her to show to Jane. You see, they’re exercising one of the Top 5 perks of dating another woman—shared wardrobe. She is trying to help Jane find something suitable to wear for her condo board interview. Seriously, you two are still insisting on the “together, but apart” living arrangements? Think of all the “roommate” jokes the show is missing out on.

Jane keeps vetoing outfits. Too demure. Too fantasy suite date on The Bachelor. Frankie yells from the bathroom that Jane should listen to her girlfriend because she always looks great. It’s funny because it’s true. Maura finally pulls out a yellow sleeveless number she calls “friendly and approachable.”

Jane thinks it’s too Big Bird chic, but Maura calls it warm and inviting. Jane relents, because even she recognizes her girlfriend’s obvious superior fashion acumen. When she returns she looks every bit the butch forced to dress up for a family reunion. Maura tries to reassure her that it’s “sophisticated with just a dash of va-voom.” Aw, just go ahead and tell her she is gorgeous again, Maura. You know you want to.

Though, considering how well it shows off Jane’s Va and Vooms, Maura confirms that the condo is already hers. And by “condo,” she means her heart—and also her lady parts. The signature, synchronized phone calls from the office cuts short their obvious flirting, but then to cover their tracks from Frankie’s snooping they sneak out once he is finally done attending to his manscaping.

Korsak is already on the scene, and offers up the sophisticated and va-voom platitudes that Maura texted him to say to Jane. She and her Big Bird dress are on to him immediately. So he admits he is just trying to be supportive of their relationship. Maura, however, has other pressing matters at hand. Like where Jane keeps her gun in that dress? Jane tells her, “Oh, don’t ask,” with a chuckle. Don’t worry, the look on Maura’s face says she’s going to find it herself later.

The victim of the week was a show dog enthusiast who appears to have been attacked by her own show dog. Korsak remains unconvinced and spars with the animal control officer on scene who calls him a “dog lover,” like it’s an insult. Don’t worry, Korsak, the angry lesbian army has your back on this one. Leave no dog or cat behind.

At the Dirty Robber, Mama Rizzoli is plying Frankie and Nina with her famous Sloppy Joe’s. But, really, they’re a tactic to get Frankie to talk about how his co-habitation with big sis Jane is going. Francesco Jr. (or Francis Jr.-who knows at this point), doesn’t take the bait to try to avoid a family drama. So instead he just stuffs his face with delicious childhood nostalgia. Dammit, now I’m hungry for Sloppy Joe’s. Hell, I’d crack under Mama R’s interrogation after just one onion ring.

A despondent Jane is back in the office, looking va-doom in her dress. The condo board interview went poorly, mainly because the first thing they asked her is whether she had a boyfriend. Oh boy. Korsak responds, “Well, that’s an easy one.” But Jane just shoots him a look that says, “Hey, everyone comes to terms with their sexuality in his or her own time. It’s a deeply personal decision. People should not be forced out before they are ready.”

Oh, Janey. You could make this all so much easier on yourself. It’s 2015, and even the Supreme Court is pretty positive that love is love, no matter what.

Meanwhile, Maura is in her office and sees Smug Kent walk by. She tries to get his attention but he pretends he didn’t hear her and proceeds to the elevator. Maura asks him if he has called a family about a cause of death yet. He pretends he already has. She catches him in his lie and tells him it’s his job. He pretends he forgot. She tells him to do it. He pretends he doesn’t know she is already in a relationship with Jane and kiss assaults Maura’s face.

They replaced Susie for this dude, seriously? He finally let’s Maura go and looks at her with wild, crazy eyes that scream, “Yep, I just definitely force-kissed a gay lady.” The look on Maura’s face is equally perplexed. Also, has no one gone through sexual harassment training in the Boston Police Department?

In a subplot custom-made for all the show’s animal-loving gay ladies, Korsak continues his quest to save the show dog from being put down. Don’t worry, Vince, if animal control won’t listen to you we’re all gonna strap on our Birkenstocks and come help. Jane included.

Maura would help, too. But she is too busy grabbing Jane, quite literally, and throwing her in to the elevator. Admit it, you kind of love it when Maura ladyhandles Jane.

Sadly, Maura just wants to freak out about getting boy cooties from Smug Kent the Smoocher. In fact she looks like she is one step away from taking a Silkwood shower.

Jane, meanwhile, can’t decide if she’s grossed out or pissed off. Probably a lot of both, judging from her facial expressions. How dare anyone else touch those lips? HOW DARE THEY.

After they’ve thoroughly processed their feelings about Smug Kent the Smoocher getting lippy, Jane and Maura turn their attention back to her living situation. Maura asks how the condo board interview went. She is not-so-secretly thrilled when Jane confesses not that well. But, alas, Jane plans to use the board members’ spotty criminal histories against them. Is that legal? Probably not, but all’s fair in love and housing, right?

But back to the case, only because a dog’s life is at stake and it therefore makes me actually care a little more. The team finds out that perhaps the victim wasn’t the intended target because the dog’s food was spiked with poison. Korsak and Maura decide the dog is now a material witness and have him released to them. Dog lovers of the world share a fist bump in celebration.

As part of the investigation they look into the victim’s crabby, nosey neighbor who apparently hates dogs. So, can we wrap this case up right now? Anyone who files 22 complaints with animal control over so-called “excessive barking” is clearly capable of murder.

But instead of slapping the cuffs on her like I suggested, the detectives decide to investigate the dog show competitors angle first. Mostly this is just an excuse to have Jane act out her favorite scenes from Best in Show. You know, the one where she is Jane Lynch the dog trainer and Maura is Jennifer Coolidge the dog owner.

While Jane is all down with learning the filling trot, she draws the line at fondling dog balls. I mean, we’ve already had one male mauling of our heroines this week. Asking Jane to cop a feel on another, albeit a dog, is just too much.

In this week’s wacky familial subplot, Mama R continues her quest to get someone to spill the beans by way of food bribery. This time she targets Nina with more Sloppy Joe sliders. Yep, the girl’s a goner.

So Jane and Co. go to the dog show. They left Maura behind because, obviously, bringing two lesbians to a dog show would be the opposite of productive. They’d spend their whole time oohing and ahhing over which pups were the most precious. Please, you know that’s what you’d do. Who is a good dog? Who is? Who is?

But their charge ends up charging after someone instead. It’s the victim’s druggie daughter. But instead of mauling her into little ribbons, Duke showers her face with licks. Still, he is probably a better kisser than Kent.

Jane ends up interrogating her about the poison and she confesses to dosing the dog’s food. But, wait, there’s still more than 20 minutes left. Either the show writers have finally realized all we care about is our Big Gayzzoli Endings, or this is yet another red herring.

The other together sister acts shocked that her junkie sister could have done it. Still she ends up taking Duke. So now everyone go away, Jane and Maura are going to spend the rest of the episode cooking pasta or soaking in mud baths or singing into imaginary microphones together—or possibly all of the above. Yes?

But first, we have to clear up the wacky familial subplot. Nina admits she was broken by Mama R’s cooking and they commiserate. Then the siblings start to process their co-habitation issues because, indeed, Mama R is that good.

Maura is dealing with her own wacky subplot. So she decides to confront Smug Kent the Smoocher head on. She tells him she will need to see him in her office. Jane witnesses her girlfriend being all take-charge and I’m-the-boss and can’t help but smile. You know that girl is the ultimate butch in the streets, femme in the sheets.

Jane teases Maura about her inappropriate workplace canoodling. Please, hello pot this is the kettle. You know those two have done it on every flat surface in Maura’s office. But not the autopsy room, because, ewww. After reminiscing about those good times, Maura reveals this week’s shocking! twist! that the poison from the druggie sister didn’t kill the victim. So they automatically suspect the together sister.

Smug Kent the Smoocher arrives in Maura’s office. So she decides to turn the tables on him and make an awkward situation even more awkward. She closes and locks her door. She shuts the shades. And then she sloooowly walks over to him. At this point every gay woman at home is screaming one of two things: “Nooooooo!” Or, “Why isn’t that Jane!” Possibly both.

Maura tells him she intends to finish what he started. And then tells him she knows he was just trying to distract her. He looks visibly relieved that Maura has stopped her faux seduction. This would all make so much more sense if Kent was gay.

Maura tells the Smug Smoocher to sit down and explain his story. He admits having to notify victims’ families is giving him some PTSD issues related to his time as a military doctor in Afghanistan. OK, well, that makes sense. Why he kissed Maura still makes absolutely, positively no sense.

So the druggie daughter confronts the together daughter. And it seems like it’s almost time for our Gayzzoli Ending. Alas, we get yet another twist. This is turning into the Ginsu knife infomercial of possible suspects. But wait, there’s more! Actually it isn’t another suspect, it’s an old suspect—as in the cranky old neighbor lady next door. So, finally, murder solved. Now, onto the good stuff.

But instead we get a touching scene with the Smug Smoocher and Maura. She has gone with him to notify the family. He thanks her, and finally apologizes for his inappropriate lip placement. But he can’t leave well enough alone and has to also say she was a good kisser. Damn, if she’s good when face attacked, imagine how good Maura would be if she was trying—or consenting, or even remotely into it.

Maura reminds him they could never ever, ever, ever, ever date because of The Gay-and also the her being his boss thing. But, mostly it’s The Gay. He acknowledges this, but then asks her a rather pointed question. He asks if there are “any rules against someone from the M.E.’s office dating someone from—you know, say—the police department?”

Maura tells him that, no, there are no rules against going out with police officers. And then she asks if he is talking about a certain police detective. Hold up, is Kent trying to figure out if Maura and Jane are dating? Poor guy, he still hasn’t quite figured out their “unique” relationship, has he? Or maybe he totally know and he is just messing with Maura?

So, finally, Jane is back at Maura’s place. She’s got beer and pizza—and a glass for red wine—waiting for Maura to come home. She tells her she’s there to celebrate a, “very exciting turn of events.” Glory, glory, hallelujah, Jane finally came out to her mom. Well, officially—we all know Mama R knows. Feels good, doesn’t it Jane?

Fine, whatever, it’s because she got the condo we’ll never see her in again because she’s always at Maura’s anyway. Maura slips in that she thinks Kent might be interested in Jane. Jane—and the rest of us—just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Jane deadpans that she has “never really thought about it” with Kent.

If the show intends to make the Smug Smoocher Jane’s new beard, it will be a mutual arrangement. Because there’s nothing you can say that would convince me that Kent is not gay. I think Maura knows it, too. Because now she is obviously messing with Jane while listing all his “positive” attributes.

Jane changes the subject and continues to celebrate her new fauxpartment. Maura is excited, too, but mostly because she can’t wait to decorate it for Jane. Jane tells her she is not touching it. Poor Maura is immediately wounded and asks about the couch. Jane tells her she burned it. See, now Jane is messing with her back. Bicker on, Adorable Bickersons, bicker on.

And now for your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. Well, what you managed to tweet between throwing things at your television because of Kent’s full facial assault.

BONUS TWEET: So, in a way, Maura did call Jane gorgeous again after all.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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