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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.12): She is worth every penny

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane and Maura go on a romantic, all-expenses-paid vacation to L.A. Maura drives a fast car. Jane hates L.A. and gets hacked. But that’s not really L.A.’s fault, is it?

Maura keeps watching the Jane’s arsonist apartment snuff film over and over. She calls it terrible; Jane says not to panic. Come on, they can’t do some cute flirting in the kitchen first to ease us into what will most certainly be an intense summer finale?

Jane tells Maura to turn off the Internet and stop reading Rizzles fanfic. No, Jane, that would actually help her relax at this critical moment. Instead she suggests Maura go cut open a body. Fine, maybe she does know what relaxes her girlfriend.

But Maura is too pissed because someone is trying to hurt her woman and she is having absolutely none of it. She calls it a terrible burden and worries about Mama Rizzoli, too. Aw, she is so sweet to her Mama R-in-law.

But Jane tells her she absolutely cannot tell Mama R. Maura pulls her George Washington and says she cannot tell a lie. But Jane corrects her and says their tiny closet processing session fixed all of that.

Maura says she will try, then gets a phone call. There’s a homicide, so she goes to leave. Jane looks down at her totally silent phone. Hello, is this thing on? She shakes it just in case. But, alas, no “Rizzoli” and “Isles” synchronized greetings this episode. Yep, shit is getting serious.

She runs past Korsak to get her jacket and follow Maura to the scene. But Korsak tells her to start pulling files because she is on desk duty. Wait, wait, wait—you can’t separate Maura and Jane.

Whither Maura goest, Jane will go. Where Maura lodgest, Jane will lodge. Thy people shall be her people. And by “thy people,” I mean thy dead people, obviously. What? They investigate murders for a living.

Maura arrives on the scene, conspicuously without Jane. The victim was the previously ebullient woman who stuffed an envelope of cash into her underwear drawer before foaming at the mouth and keeling over. See, money really can’t buy happiness, or a long enough lifespan to enjoy it. The victim seems to be a junkie who recently got clean and celebrated with a butterfly tattoo.

Back at the office, Jane is printing out reams of hate mail. Probably just all whiny emails from rejected beard candidates who didn’t realize how rigorous the selection process would be. Speaking of whiny men, Jane’s co-workers won’t stop complaining about her hogging the printer. Dudes, amirite?

Nina has found something in the uncompressed images from the arsonist film. It’s a butterfly tattoo on the firestarter’s wrist. See, I knew you couldn’t keep Jane and Maura off a case together.

To wit, Maura calls Jane down to see what she has found. Maura being Maura, she had Jane’s old apartment door delivered to her lab for further examination. You know it’s love when you autopsy a door. She finds out the person who picked her lock used a very sophisticated technique—which makes Maura even more worried for her girlfriend.

Jane tells her not to worry. Because no one but Maura bumps her lock. What? We all know that “lock” was just an elaborate euphemism for “vagina.” Poor thing, if only Jane would stop being obstinate and move in with her. You know the Isles Estate has top-of-the-line security.

But instead because she has a stubborn girlfriend, Maura has to go behind her back and talk with Korsak about hiring a bodyguard. Maura reassures him she will pay for his service—love means never having to say you’re sorry you didn’t hire that bodyguard for your girlfriend—but Korsak turns her down. I know, Maura, sometimes he can be kind of a thickhead.

Mama R shows up at the office next because her Mommy Sense was tingling. But everyone pretends everything is OK because not telling her about things has worked out so well in the past. She lays the guilt on thick with an “I love you,” and now we definitely know the shit is going to hit the fan this episode.

Maura has uncovered balloons of cocaine in the victim’s stomach. So she is an arsonist and a drug smuggler? Such a diverse resume with this one. The balloons were intentionally pierced and one of them had a watch in it instead of drugs. The things some people will do to avoid paying sales tax at customs? Hey, I’m trying to lighten the mood. There’s no jaunty jig music this episode, I’m doing the best I can.

The watch is set to 5:26 for the 26th, which must mean something. Also, it’s Jane’s watch, which definitely means something. So Korsak gathers all of the department to focus on Jane’s case. Um, has BPD undergone a hiring freeze? Because that’s a paltry number of officers and detectives, yo.

But, at least this latest development got Korsak to finally see the light when it comes to Jane’s safety. He has hired—or more accurately, had Maura hire—that bodyguard. Enter Boris. Again, it’s another man in Jane’s life who, quite literally, has a beard.

Still, I’m not worried. Mostly this is because Boris’ arrival has finally signaled the return of the show’s signature murder-is-a-hoot score. In fact I welcome Boris and how pouty he is making Jane.

I also like how much he gets to boss Jane around. I wonder if this is some sort of secret wish fulfillment for Maura. Finally, she has found someone Jane must obey. I wonder if she paid him extra to tape it so she could watch later. Relax, not like that. Geez, you guys — heads out of the gutter. This is SERIOUS.

Boris promises to keep her around to be able to achieve her dreams—”Whatever those are.” I’m not saying they involve Maura and a private clothing optional tropical beach, and I’m not saying they don’t. But then Boris won’t let Jane order a pizza, and he becomes a dream crusher. I’m not saying that if you come between Jane and her pizza you will pull back a stump, and I’m not saying you won’t, I’m just saying.

As fate would have it, Boris is also a master chef. Duh, Maura hired him—of course he is also a great cook. He can probably also speak six languages and discuss modern art. So he whips up some grilled Moroccan chicken from what he found in the fridge. If I was forced to whip up a gourmet meal from my current fridge contents it would be string cheese in mustard sauce with leftover onion ring croutons.

Luckily, she is eating Boris’ meal, instead. Jane gives it a sniff and declares that it “smells like angels.” Well, she is dating Dr. Maura Isles—so she should know what one smells like. Then she tries it and confirms it also tastes like angels, too. Yeah, they’re making these jokes too easy.

A knock on the door interrupts Jane’s food orgasm. It’s Mama R who has come to check in on Jane, and deliver homemade lasagna. An awkward conversation ensues where Mama R pretends Frankie hasn’t already spilled the beans about Jane’s imminent peril and Jane pretends she isn’t in imminent peril.

Then Mama R pretends she thinks Boris is another potential beard to Jane, but then delivers a totally unveiled threat to him about keeping her daughter safe. She looks all sweet and innocent, but she’d do it. Better be on your game, B.

The team scrambled to figure out who Jane’s life ruiner is. They’re coming up against a lot of dead ends. But a prison psychiatrist looks vaguely familiar—like I’ve seen him in a Lifetime movie or episode of CSI before familiar. So possibly he could be involved. Fine, I’m grasping at straws like everyone else.

They take precautions to keep Jane safe. The windows are taped. Her neighbors are moved. A bomb-sniffing dog is called in. But they still manage to have time for a Beautiful Toyota plug, or at least half of one. OK, I’m back on Team Korsak after his sarcastic “Yeah, I’m so glad” when Nina began talking about the car’s “special feature.”

Boris finally gets Jane to step away from the windows with cookies—fresh, from-scratch chocolate cookies. Yep, if anything will turn that Det. Jane Rizzoli frown upside down, it’s cookies. Also, if anything will revert Det. Jane Rizzoli back to an eight-year-old, it’s cookies. Aw, Roly Poly Rizzoli must have been so adorable.

Everyone counts down until 5:26. It’s all very tense and everyone is pacing to emphasize the tenseness. But then 5:26 comes and goes and nothing happens. Cue the wah-wah-wahhhhhh sound.

Jane has a realization that the watch isn’t a clock, but a code. So she runs off because, that’s cool, it’s not like a crazy smart person still wants to hurt her or anything. But Korsak let’s her go back to the station while Boris declares her the worst client ever.

She also turns into kind of the worst sister ever when she yells at Frankie for being frustrated with the case. Poor guy, always in big sis’ shadow and never quite big enough to fill it. So he fumes off and runs to—mommy. OK, dude, you’re not helping your case out here with this.

Jane, naturally, runs to Maura instead. She is resting on her couch as Maura works. Aw, I imagine this is how they finish out most nights before going back to Maura’s to snuggle. Jane is feeling rather introspective and wondering if the job is worth it.

Maura is rather wowed by this talk, and comes over to process immediately. Jane asks Maura if she ever imagines doing something else. Maura’s answers are so Maura. Work for Elon Musk on Space X. Go Jessica Fletcher and write mystery novels in Maine. And, my personal favorite, make the color names for the J. Crew catalogue.

Maura asks Jane the same question and she answers, “No, I can’t think of any other life.” Even Jane has to admit that solving murders and putting bad guys away with the woman she loves by her side is a pretty sweet life. So Maura suggests she leans into her current discomfort.

Then they discuss how great each other’s butts are. Look, I only write what they show me. And they’re showing me a lot of eye nookie.

Jane gets up to leave, but Maura reaches out to stop her. And she even gives her the head tilt and the, “come on, you know you wanna stay with this”-eye sex. But Jane leaves anyway. Ugh, moments of crisis really do make people stupid.

Back in the office, Jane has a revelation and connects the 5:26 to a bible verse about paying “the last penny.” And if you reverse the numbers it’s the penal code for kidnapping. Jane rants that she has nothing left to take, but then thinks about her mom. The watch was a gift from Mama R and engraved “Love, Ma” on the back. So everyone rushes to find Mama R.

Everyone, that is, except Maura, who is still working in her office. Then she receives a call about a homicide and heads out. Oh my God, Jane, you gigantic dummy. The killer isn’t after your mother. The killer is after your girlfriend.

Unfortunately, Jane is still running around looking for her mom. She arrives at Maura’s place and we finally get to see the inside of the guesthouse. Looks like some show increased its set budget this season. Jane scares the bejesus out of her perfectly safe mom, who had just been taking a bath. Yeah, yeah, they share an emotional moment.

Yes, I’m happy for you. So touching. Now, will you PLEASE THINK OF MAURA NOW, PLEASE. You know, the woman who is driving up alone into a dark alley. You know, the woman who is walking into a scene with no police protection. You know, the woman who just got ambushed from behind and dragged off. You know, the woman you love more than anything else on the planet.

Jane finally realizes this, and calls her. But it’s too late. As Maura goes to call her back she is taken by a shadowy figure in a dark hoodie. All that is left behind is Jane’s face on Maura’s caller ID. And then that damn “To Be Continued…” flashes on the screen.

Well, the good news is they probably won’t rename the show Rizzoli & Mama R. So I can’t wait for Jane to find the dude who took Maura and go absolutely HAM on him. We all know what she does to people who hurt her lady. Just ask Hoyt.

And now your cliffhanger #gayzzoli tweets of the week filled with nail biting and teeth gnashing. Meet you back here in the winter.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker, visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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