“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.05 “Litmus Test”

Constant communication — Alice makes her way back to the Planet, talking to Tina on the phone all the while. She’s still on the phone as she takes her seat at the table.

Tina: Hi.
Alice: Hi.
Bette: Hi.

With the phone-to-face-transition greeting out of the way, Tina finishes what she started to say on the phone. She feels partly responsible for Jenny’s bad behavior, but Alice doesn’t see how anyone could have known that Jenny would do this.

Bette: Well, can you sue her? I mean, does Joyce do copyright infringement?
Tina: No, it doesn’t work that way.

Everybody clap — The L Word actually got a legal point right for once! Copyright laws protect expressions, but not ideas. Which really means that Leisha should copyright her face: she’s once again bringing a bounty of facial expressions to the table.

Alice decides to stop talking about the purloined treatment, for fear her head will explode. She asks Bette and Tina why they’re still at the Planet.

Bette: I’m working from home, and yet I have no home.
Tina: And ever since I’ve been accused of stealing the negative, it’s just too uncomfortable to go to the office.

I can totally relate. Except I haven’t been accused of anything. I just find offices — with their staplers and highlighters and whatnot — generally uncomfortable. Plus I can’t take my dog to the office, which seriously cramps my creativity. Speaking of my dog, he now barks when The L Word starts, and my dog is not a barker. The only other thing that consistently moves him to speak is my drunken neighbor. (You can see the connection: my drunken neighbor sounds a lot like the L Word theme song.)

Alice doesn’t really care about the trials of Bette and Tina. She’s just received a text message from Jamie, and it’s turning her frown upside down.

Alice: She’s awesome. She’s so cool, you guys.

She says “awesome” in a singsong way, sorta like Rachel Maddow sometimes says things. Hey, can we please get Maddow to be a guestbian? Somehow I think she’d politely decline.

Alice is just plain gushing about Jamie. Bette and Tina have eyes and ears, so they notice.

Bette: [teasing, as if on a playground] You’re having a third-wheel crush. You and Tasha.
Tina: Yeah. Definitely.

Alice strenuously denies this: the only thing they’re all feeling is “friend love.” But Bette and Tina recognize “all the telltale signs.”

Bette: Well, let’s see… it starts when, you know, you’ve been dating your partner for quite a while, and you’re starting to grow bored with one another, and then you start fighting all the time.
Alice: We’re not fighting.

Bette and Tina say “Huh?” in a way that makes me wish that Beals and Holloman were allowed to be funny more often.

I also wish Bette and Tina could be the den mothers more often — that’s what they used to be, back when everything made a little more sense. Or, you know, even one thing made slight sense.