Previously on Lost Girl: Bo’s dad came to visit from Hell. The Nix went not-so-gently into that good night. Lauren got hit by a truck, and then went full Succubus. Wait, Lauren did what?
So, well, those last 30 seconds from last week, right? But they’re going to address that right away, right? I mean, Lauren sucked Bo’s chi, right? That’s pretty crazy, right? Her eyes went blue and everything, right? We’re going to have them talk about that immediately, right?
Oh, we’re not? Bo is going to be pulling an undercover stakeout with Dyson like nothing happened? Because Zeus is missing and other stuff I don’t really care about because, HELLO, Lauren sucked Bo’s chi. Well at least Big D is enough of a lesbian to want to process everything that has happened. Sheesh, Bo, get your Gay Agenda priorities right.
Bo feels more like talking about her dad/Hades/Jack/BF than Lauren’s miraculous non-death. BF meaning “birth father,” not “best friend.” I know, everyone is confused about that one. Lauren calls—clearly because she heard my cry for near-death gay lady processing—and wants to talk about the whole hit by a truck but still alive thing.
But Bo insists it’s cool. There’s no need to thank her. Um, can Bo not tell when she is getting chi sucked instead of giving chi? Well, this is embarrassing. Bo just calls it a perk of dating a succubus and Lauren’s like, yeah, but which one of us was the succubus?
Dyson, who continues to be a better gay lady than Bo in this instance, asks her why she didn’t need to group suck to save Lauren. I swear, recapping this show makes me sound like I’m writing porn.
At the lab, Lauren is still puzzling over what happened. Papa Hades offers his unsolicited opinion, asking whether she took his advice about the benign virus. He also tells her she appears in need of guidance. And then he makes a kindly offer to examine her. Lauren smartly declines. Full body checks by the devil are probably not a great idea, you know.
Back on surveillance duty Dyson snacks on beef jerky packed for him by Alicia, which reminds us again that Alicia exists. She’s such a non-character, but at least a) she keeps the wolf busy and b) she is nice enough to pack him salty snacks.
Finally their stakeout produces results as a long black limo pulls up. They think it must be Z, because of the swanky wheels. But then an even swankier set of stems emerges from the wheels. The camera pans up and it is Mackenzie Malikov, in the flesh. And, my, what lovely flesh—and hair. Look, ma, no bangs. Our Lil’ Kenz is all grown up.
At the SuccuShack, Kenzi goes off on all that has happened in the interim. Dyson’s daddyhood, Bo’s daddy issues. She’s also impressed by Mark, but you can’t blame her because they just met and his main worth is as eye candy anyway. Man, have I missed this lady. Sometimes you don’t realize what you’ve missed until it’s back and you’re like, sweet fancy Moses, did I miss you.
Kenzi gets real, saying something happened while she was in Spain. Then she introduces them to Hale’s grandfather. Apparently some baddies came to Kenzi’s Castillo, tied her up and searched for some painting called “The Vanishing,” which is supposed to able to banish the ancients. Is it related to “The Dawning” or “The Garuda?” Because supposedly important things on this show with “The” in the title generally turn out to be fairly lame.
So a plan is hatched to find the painting and use it to send Zeus off Earth, again. Kenzi asks her which love triangle candidate she is calling upon these days: “D-man or L-bomb?” Of course poor Tamsin is right there. Seems no one bothered explaining the trapezoid to Kenzi yet.
In another welcome return, we have our first Vexie sighting in the Back Eight. He is at Lauren’s clinic complaining of Mesmer hand problems. Lauren tells him to apply METH liberally—movement, elevation, traction and heat. He asks for a quickie because, again, they’re determined to make me write porn dialogue.
Lauren obliges and raises his arm. And the patient next to them raises his arm. And raises it again, and he raises his arm again. Then Lauren moves her arm and his legs fly up. Her face says it all, holy shit! First she has succubus powers, now Mesmer powers. What the Fae is happening to her?
So naturally next we cut to Alicia demanding answers from Dyson. Poor thing, she is having a very Krystal Goderitch moment. Why do weird things keep happening to her, indeed. She thinks she has Dyson and the gang pegged, they’re paranormal investigators. I wish, could you imagine the epic Lost Girl and X-Files crossover? Dyson leaves Mark to help her “investigation,” which is clearly a terrible idea because Mark continues to be the worst.
Bo and Kezni—aw, it’s so great having these two back together—head to an art museum to try to find “The Vanishing.” It’s nowhere in sight, but they have a plan. Always this group with the hinky plans. This one involves Kenzi the art guide and Bo the art collector. p.s. Um, can I paint a rubber boot and put fake vines in it and call it art, too?
Bo goes to woo the museum curator, but you can’t succu-woo a germaphobe. So Bo resorts to quoting Pretty Woman and leaves with her ponytail between her…pride. That analogy may have been a big mistake, big—huge. And she sneezes on her as she leaves for good measure.
Kenzi is having slightly better luck pretending to be a docent. I rather like her version of art history with its disco battles. She snags a guard’s security card after shoving a snooty museum-goer into a painting.
So now it’s time for Bo to do her thing. But first, we get treated to a laser beam scene à la Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. If we’re making iconic movie moment suggestions, can we have Bo get on top of a car and scream about No. 9 being a wanker? What? Know your audience.
Bo makes it through the laser maze but then spots a white dove in the room. Sure, all the best museums have them. Why not. The dove is actually Persephone, who has been sprung from Tartarus with Hades’ departure. Persephone tries to threaten Bo, but our succubus reminds her they’ve already done the box step. Yep, box jokes. Yeah, you know you’re gonna miss this show.
Then there’s a bit of familial awkwardness and discussions of who is now imprisoned by whom. But in the end Bo frees Persephone even though she totally tricked her into lighting the candle and unleashing the ancients.
Next in this week’s bad decisions, Lauren goes to Papa Hades for answers about her condition. She injected herself with the Fae stem cells, but instead of extending her life this happened. He touches her through his totally not secure in any way enclosure and suddenly she has his powers. So now she is a conduit. So does that mean she has to touch Bo forever to live longer? Because, I would be OK with that.
Daddy Darkness calls it “the key to ultimate power.” He says if she has really found a way to turn Fae she would be “more than all of us put together.” And then he adds a kicker about how “thrilled” Bo will be. Oh man, he is going to try to use Lauren for something very bad, isn’t he?
Speaking of very bad, Dyson walks in to find a furious Alicia. Mark, that idiotic little shit, has gone and told her all about the Fae. See, this is why I think all teenagers should be put in a catatonic sleep until they are emotionally old enough to not be terrible.
Now that they have the painting the gang has to figure out what to do with it. Trick finds some information about the song it supposedly contains. So, naturally, Bo asks for some licorice. But first, more vagina humor. Which makes Trick make a half-hearted attempt to get them to stop taking about his granddaughter’s candy in front of him. Oh, sex jokes, I think I’ll miss you most of all.
The licorice ropes are used to show the painting’s sheet music. They go to Papa Hades for more intel. He tells them a siren must sing the song at the person they intend to vanish. So now they just have to trick Z into getting close enough. So then they offer Persephone the chance to get a little banishing revenge on her mommy dearest.
Lauren shows up in time to be the plan’s designated medic. She came looking to finally have that long-overdue processing session, but the best-laid plans with this group usually gives way to half-assed plans.
To wit, Persephone warns Z about the trap and she zaps grandpa siren in the throat. So now she tries to turn the tables on Bo and have her banished. She also threatens to kill everyone, because that’s what villains do. Bo says she’ll let it happen to protect her friends, and tells Lauren to go help the siren regain his voice. Lauren obliges.
Lauren touches grandpa siren and then unleashes the first song on Z, who gets zapped to locales unknown. Everyone else stands around open-mouthed. See, this is why gay ladies should never wait to process.
But before they can Dyson takes Alicia to The Dal and claims her as his human. This storyline both bores me to death and makes me incredibly happy. May you two live a long and happy life and have many adorable pups.
Finally, it’s time for that talk that should have happened the second Lauren rose up with blue eyes blazing and healed herself. She brings Vex in to demonstrate because, well, everything is more fun with a little Vexie.
Vex states the obvious, that Lauren’s new discovery of her conduit powers is, with all respect to Joe Biden, a big fucking deal. Not only can she channel any Fae she touches, she also weakens them in the process. But not Bo, because of those handy succubus healing powers. I have a feeling this point will be most beneficial later—in the bedroom. Wow, I just realized basically anything I write about Bo can be fortune cookied with “in the bedroom.”
Back to The Talk, Bo isn’t as thrilled as Lauren had hoped to realize her girlfriend is now a super-powered Fae toucher. She says she loves Lauren for her. But Lauren insists this is her, with benefits — in the bedroom. See, now it also works for Lauren.
She says now she can help people for longer—even coining herself the little name of “The Eternal Healer.” And then there’s the little thing about now getting to stay with Bo forever. Lauren tells her she wants this for her, for us. But Bo is more worried about what all this experimentation could do for Lauren. Still she gives Lauren a big hug. Anyone who thinks it’ll be this easy, raise your hand. Yeah, didn’t think so.
Z apparently banished, Kenzie is packing up to leave again. Wait, but we just got her back. You can’t give her to us for one episode and then rip her away again. It’s unjust; it’s unfair. I’m pretty sure there’s something about it in the Geneva Convention.
She even offers to stay, but Bo tells her she can’t let her do that. She has her own fabulous life in a Spanish castillo. The K drops some truth about Bo’s daddy issues on her. She tells her she knows she could have chosen to use the painting on him instead of Z. But she understands why she might want him around for a little while. And, ever the wise one, Kenzi warns Bo to be careful because Hades is smart and dangerous. And then, poof, she is gone.
I’m not crying. Shut up, you are.
So that smart dangerous guy Kenzi warned us about, yep, she was right. He is in his “cell” talking to the not-so vanished Z. See, he somehow rewrote the first song. Z and the rest of us want to know why he didn’t just banish her. But Hades says her time will come. Actually, he calls Zeus brother, which is slightly confusing since before Persephone called her mother. But hey, if the gods can’t be truly gender fluid, who can?
Papa Hades ominously tells Z that resistance is futile because “it has begun.” Then he rips the top layer of the painting off to reveal the angry fire-breathing Pegasus thingie, also known as a Pyrippus. So, is that what Daddy Darkness is going to turn into or what? And, if so, no wonder his skin is so leathery.
KENZISM OF THE WEEK:
Our little Kenzinita, and her various euphemisms for Bo’s vagina, have finally returned. Hallelujah.
“Y’all have been busier than Bo’s tinkleflower, huh?”
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:
Look, Bo basically wore a turtleneck all episode. So please enjoy some Kenzi gams instead.
More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.
