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“Gotham” recap (2.1): Peanut Butter n’ Sad Pickles

Welcome back, Gothamites! It’s the season premiere of Gotham, the show that shitcanned Renee Montoya AND Fish Mooney because apparently queer ladies can’t have nice things. At the end of the first season, I thought there’d be nothing gay to come back to: Renee was gone with the wind, and Barbara went bonkers, murdered her parents, and got a one-way ticket to Arkham Asylum.

Alas, Barbara is back, this time as a bad girl, and we’ve got word of her joining a love triangle with Tabitha Galavan (Jessica Lucas) so here we are and I’m recapping this hot mess all over again. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

We open right where we left off last spring, with Alfred and Baby Bruce discovering the secret passageway/pre-batcave. They find a locked door with a passcode, and Bruce angrily punches in numbers trying to unlock it. He fails.

We then jump to one month later, where Gordon is still with Dr. Lee, Bullock has become a bartender, and the Penguin is ruling the underworld with some seriously wackydoodle bangs. Barbara struts into Arkham like she’s on Top Model, and Jerome aka Ginger Pre-Joker is there to greet her.

We meet a well-dressed man, Theo Galavan, giving some nutcase in a superhero suit some blue goo to drink. We know he’s a baddie because he’s played by James Frain, whose previous villain credits include True Blood and Orphan Black.

Gordon, now demoted to traffic cop work, sees Blue Goo screaming and waving some guns around and is all, “Goddamnit, Gotham, it’s a Tuesday. Really with this shit?” Blue Goo proclaims himself to be Zardon, and prophesizes the coming of dark days, so Gordon tackles him and arrests him.

Back at the precinct, Zardon is tossed in a holding cell. Gordon runs into Ed Nigma in the bathroom, and they exchange pleasantries, but as soon as he leaves, Nigma is arguing with himself in the mirror and displaying a creepy alternate personality. A personality that wants to get all up on Miss Kringle. Gross.

I thought last season ended with Commissioner Loeb getting canned, but I was wrong because here he is now, firing Gordon because he can. Essen tries to stop him, but Loeb is on a mission, and Gordon resigns, promising to end him.

Zordan passes out in the cell and starts burping up blue smoke. Smash cut to credits!

Gordon lies in bed with Lee, who isn’t that upset about his firing. Considering his job is just one turd sandwich after another, he’s probably better off opening a bar with Bullock and spinning off into some version of Cheers, which I am ON BOARD for. Instead, Gordon decides to break some laws and do whatever it takes to get back on this shitty police force.

Over at Arkham, Barbara is reading a magazine and rocking a killer black and white striped dress. I love that everyone is dressed like old timey prisoners and she gets a Beetlejuice style ball gown.

Jerome quickly mansplains to her that she needs protection on the inside, and Barbara responds by sweet-talking a giant goon into being her protector. As much as I dislike the “crazy bisexual” trope that’s in full effect here, I must admit that I like evil scheming Barbara. Erin Richards is chewing up the scenery and really seems to be having fun with it, which is a nice change from the wimpy, boring, apartment-bound Barbara of season one. If Barbara Keane becomes the next Fish Mooney, I am on board.

Jerome points to a millionaire inmate who can get Barbara anything she wants from the outside, and she asks for a phone. Girl, now is NOT the time to prank call your ex.

Across town, Butch and Penguin are mobbing it up, along with Selina who is now part of their crew. Gordon visits to ask Penguin for a favor, but balks when Penguin demands one in return. Ugh, Gordon, do you even remember how crime works? Penguin wants him to collect a debt from a thug, but Gordon’s too moralistic and upstanding to do such a thing.

Gordon gets drunk at Bullock’s bar, where his old partner tries to convince him to give up on the GCPD. Look at Bullock: he’s sober, has a girlfriend, and isn’t covered in grease! They hug and mash their foreheads together because MALE BONDING BRO.

Gordon walks his drunk ass over to Wayne Manor, where he apologizes to Bruce for failing to capture his parents’ killer. Bruce is in no mood for mealy-mouthed apologies from day drunks, and tells him to get off his moral high horse and do a little wrong for the greater right. He calls Gordon out on his self righteousness and vanity…finally! I have to say, I have no problem with positive, do-gooder characters, but Gordon is such a prick I find myself rooting for him to fail. I don’t know if it’s the bland writing or the cardboard acting, but Gordon continues to be the least interesting part of Gotham. He’s just so damn unlikable.

Gordon leaves, and Bruce wails on the BatDoor with a hammer, to no effect. Back at Arkham, Barbara flirts with a millionaire nutjob in order to get access to a phone. Did I say flirt with? I meant prostitute herself. Fuck this show and its treatment of female characters.

Gordon goes into a night club to shake down the owner that owes Penguin money. When he refuses to pay up, Gordon beats down his crew and runs off with a bag of cash. He ends up getting chased by the thugs and by the police, and shoots down the club owner. Well, that escalated quickly.

Alfred catches Bruce with a giant bag of fertilizer and realizes he’s trying to make a bomb to blow up the locked door. After chastising him about bomb safety, Alfred says that what’s in the basement may not be appropriate for a child. Bruce insists that he’s grown enough to handle it, so Alfred agrees to help him blow up the door. Shouldn’t this kid be in school or something?

Gordon delivers the payment to Penguin, and guiltily slinks off home to Lee. Before he can drink himself into a stupor, Barbara calls him on his cell, claiming innocence. Gordon sees right through her crazy and hangs up. Not to be deterred, Barbara calls Lee and leaves a threatening voicemail message, saying she hopes Lee dies screaming. Also, she calls her “girlfriend” which is pretty funny. Crazy Barbara got jokes.

Lee has had enough of smokey burps and 3rd rate villains, and suggests that they run away to literally any other city. But Gordon has already compromised his morals, and refuses to leave. He tells Lee he did a bad thing, although in this town, isn’t that just a relative term?

Speaking of his bad thing, Victor Zsasz and the Penguin make good on their end of the deal. They break into Commissioner Loeb’s house, decapitate his body guard, and hold him hostage. While helping himself to a peanut butter sandwich, Penguin threatens to kill Loeb unless he makes a deal.

Cue an a capella performance and a press conference where Loeb resigns permanently and Essen gets promoted to commissioner. This means Gordon is reinstated and back on the force. Yay? At the press conference, we meet Theo Galavan (blue goo man) who is introduced as Gotham’s newest billionaire/genius scientist/philanthropist. This town may be made of literal garbage, but it is swimming with genius scientist philanthropists.

Barbara’s getting a pedicure and cuddling with the insane millionaire when Zardon is transferred into Arkham. He starts burping up his blue smoke, and everyone passes out. A leather-clad woman with a gas mask breaks in and releases the prisoners. Thus endeth the most convoluted prison break ever. Miss Leather is Tabitha Galavan, Theo’s sister. Fun fact, she’s gonna become famed DC villain Tigress and finger-bang Barbara!

The inmates wake up and find themselves strapped to dollies in Theo’s office. He offers them the chance to become a super squad of villains and take over Gotham, like he’s some sort of reverse Nick Fury. Everyone seems on board except for crazy millionaire, who tells him to fuck off. Tabitha bullwhips him and stabs the shit out of him, and promises the same fate to anyone else not interested in joining up. Go team!

Alfred and Bruce set off their bomb and enter the secret bunker. They find cobwebbed computers and files, and most importantly, a letter for Bruce from his father. Papa Wayne tells him that he can choose happiness or the truth, and begs him to take the former. But if he feels a higher calling to the truth, he must follow his heart. We end with Gordon looking at himself in the mirror, wondering which calling he is answering.

So, what did you think of the season premiere of Gotham? More importantly, what the fuck is up with Penguin’s bangs? Tweet me @ChelseaProcrast with your thoughts and feels!

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