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“Empire” recap (2.1): You Can’t Even Dyke Right

The fact that Empire is queer is a given. It was created by two out gay men (Lee Daniels and Danny Strong) and is run by L Word creator (and, duh, out lesbian) Ilene Chaiken. But as the show focuses on the Lyon family who, aside from Cookie, is all male, there was more about gay dude sexuality than anything for the ladies, minus a few episodes introducing us to Tiana’s girlfriend and some glimpses of AzMarie Livington‘s character Chicken. Suffice to say, it wasn’t enough to recap the show weekly (although, truly, we’ve recapped for less).

But Season 2 has swung toward the Sapphic, introducing Marisa Tomei as a lesbian billionaire (a recurring role), and her presence alone having a spiral effect onto the women around her (namely one Boo Boo Kitty). And not only Mimi Whiteman (said billionaire), but we also meet a teen rapper named Freda (Bre-Z) who isn’t straight, though it doesn’t appear her sexuality will factor much into the show. (She could just be the only one not having sex on Empire.)

So here we are, recapping this magnificently soapy, gay show for all of its relevant moments, in hopes the lesbian tendencies in everyone will shine through. (I’m an optimist.)

In last night’s Season 2 premiere, “The Devil’s Are Here,” Cookie (the magnificent Taraji P. Henson) throws a benefit concert to #FreeLucious, despite her being well aware that her husband is doing the time for doing the crime. But Cookie proves she knows how to work a crowd, donning a gorilla suit and addressing the crowd from a cage, using the all-too-real horrors of police brutality and injustice of the correctional system to rally the public in support of Lucious. It’s not like she misses him, though. Cookie just wants to save the Empire.

This concert was not for Lucious, really. It was for Ms. Mimi Whiteman, a lesbian with so much money, she has custom-designed suits made for her that absolutely no one else would wear.

She’s also that brand of rich lesbian that is so mad with power, she is cool with making women feel sexually uncomfortable. (You know, like a powerful man would!) “Is Lucious the reason we’re here?” Mimi asks. “I hope that’s not the only reason you’re here,” Cookie says, flirtatiously. “You in that dress, Cookie, I can think of all kinds of reasons.”

Somehow Lucious is in a prison with premium cable that is streaming this #FreeLucious concert, and he happens to catch a little bit of it while on a stroll through the hallway. And the camera man has some kind of ESP, because he knows to zoom in on Mimi and Cookie looking cozy in conversation.

Lucious is dealing with other issues, though. His old friend Frank (Chris Rock) has moved into the cell next door. If you like Chris Rock, I’m sorry. He’s not going to be around long.

At Empire, Cookie says she’s going to check on Tiana and Jamal is on a power trip. He goes to visit his dad in prison, which leads to Lucious asking, “Who was that lesbian bitch in the red suit at the concert that was cuddled up with your mama?” Jamal has no idea who this lesbian bitch could be. He was too busy performing and Cookie failed to do her due diligence in introducing her gay son to her new lesbian friend. Anyway, Lucious wants the 411 and we can applaud his gaydar.

Later that night, Cookie throws Mimi a lesbian party unlike any I’ve ever been to before. Is this what goes on at Jodie Foster’s house on the weekends? There are ladies in bikinis making out in indoor hot tubs and women dresses as Playboy bunnies serving champagne.

Cookie is trying to entertain and entice Ms. Whiteman (who is wearing a much more flattering outfit), but while Mimi seems flattered, she has her eye on “Anita” (aka Anika). Anita says she’s heard a lot about Mimi and wants to know who, where, how and why because then she’ll be able to draw up a chart real quick and figure out any ex-gf overlap.

But it’s all about business for the Lyons, and Hakeem interrupts after he spots Mimi complimenting Anika on her birthmark (a lesbian line if I ever heard one), and Cookie joins in to say she wants to save the Empire from Lucious in the name of her sons. Mimi toasts to the children “and the pretty babies” while taking a long look at Anika’s assets.

In other gay happenings, Jamal and his ex-boyfriend Michael seem to be working things out. They talk about how Jamal’s career success is a turn on, and how he is going to be a part of an “LGBT party.” Jamal doesn’t want to talk business, though. He’s all “Ryan is a hoe!” (See Season 1) and it’s clear these two are going to be signing off of Grindr for the night.

Back at the super gay soiree, you can see Chicken chilling on a couch nearby. These are probably all of her friends that she invited over via a Facebook event invite, complete with a tacky flyer reading “HOT TUB PARTY WITH A LESBIAN BILLIONAIRE – MUST BE ON THE LIST.” One of the bunny servers comes to chat with Mimi, but Mimi tells her she’s trying too hard. She asks “Anita” to dance, and Cookie tells her to do it, and to take off her sweater so Mimi can “see her sexy body.”

This leads to Anika doing THE DAMN THING OKAY!?

No, Mimi, stop!

The next day, Porsha (Cookie’s assistant) tells Cookie that Mimi’s office keeps calling, and for some reason, Cookie isn’t concerned. Which, why the hell wouldn’t she want to know what happened with Anika!? I’d be getting all that dish. Anyhow, she explains to Hakeem that Mimi has committed to giving them $250 million and will be “making her move in the next 24 hours” and she wants the brothers Lyon to work it out so they can all run Empire together.

Then boobs fill the screen and no one hears what’s being discussed at all. But I listened to it it, audio only, and can share that Lucious is meeting with the woman prosecuting him. Roxanne wants to offer him a plea deal but of course, he only wants to insult her shoes.

In the prison visitors’ room (which it feels like I’m constantly watching on TV these days), Lucious likes what he hears from Chris Rock’s rhyming daughter, Freda. She’s young but talented, and the prison guards do not seem to mind loud rapping in the room. This would never fly at Litchfield.

Back at Empire, Jamal can hear singing in his office and his assistant says, “Michael’s in there with the gay and lesbian people.” Everyone knows gays and lesbians sing everywhere they go; it’s contagious. But it’s GLAAD, Becky (Gabourey Sidibe) says. “Be nice!” Jamal is one of those gays that thinks queeny gay men are ruining gay for everyone. He doesn’t want to be in the Pride parade, and he definitely does not want to duet with this gorgeous gay man wearing ruby red lipstick. GLAAD wants Jamal to perform at an event with this fabulous man, but Jamal is like “THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TOO MUCH GAY FOR ME TO BE.” Becky’s excited, though, because gospel singer/minister Donnie McClurkin will be there. Will Mimi be there? Everyone forgets lesbians have money, too.

It’s time for Cookie, Andre and Hakeem to take back the Empire. They storm the board room to tell the board members (and Jamal) what’s good, but then the chair at the head of the table spins around and IT’S MIMI. She was hiding the WHOLE TIME. Oh Mimi, girl, you got us good.

“I thought I told you to sleep with her!” Cookie says to Anita. “I did,” Anika says, and I instantly add her to my list of bisexual characters to write about on AfterEllen.com. “You can’t even dyke right,” Cookie responds, and I wonder if Ilene Chaiken wrote this line or if someone else did and they had to ask her for approval.

Mimi says Anika gets an A for effort, but she’s not about to invest in an Empire that doesn’t include Lucious. CUE THE MANICAL LAUGHING PRISON VIDEO MESSAGE.

Can you believe that we did not get even a glimpse of this Mimi/Anika sleep session? What a missed opportunity! Add it to a list of grievances we shall file with Ilene Chaiken. Along with the fact that Anika felt like she had to sleep with a power-hungry lesbian to keep her job.

Michael tells Jamal he’s sorry, he didn’t realize that the gayest gay man singing in his office would want to be seen in public with him. “You hate him because he’s too real for you!” But Jamal offers up $50 grand to get out of the gig as an apology. “You’re shady,” Michael says, but accepts.

The rest of the episode is pretty much about murder threats. Frank sent Cookie a box with a head in it, so she gathers her children at Lucious’s house and heads to prison for a little meet and greet. Cookie infers Lucious is messing around with someone in prison and, as a former prisoner, she would know first hand. (I have full confidence that Cookie was a LURD. Sadly, I don’t know that she has a future romance with Mimi in the cards like pre-season press teased us.)

Anyway, Lucious saves the day (yay?) and says he’ll take care of Frank in prison, so he does (after promising to sign and basically do it with his young daughter because Lucious is gross) and everyone is safe, except for Frank, who is dead. Meanwhile at the mansion, the rest of the family gets to have the kind of fun conversations you have with people you are related to when you are stuck together. Jamal says he’ll never release Hakeem’s album which doesn’t sit so well with Hakeem. Cookie returns and Jamal kicks everyone out, but not before Cookie slaps him twice for being a disrespectful son. She’s crying and then behind the closed door, Jamal is crying and somewhere else in NYC that night, people at GLAAD are crying. But I bet you Mimi is somewhere having the time of her life.

Next week, Dee Rees directs the episode and Tiana is back!

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