“Empire” recap (2.1): You Can’t Even Dyke Right

It’s time for Cookie, Andre and Hakeem to take back the Empire. They storm the board room to tell the board members (and Jamal) what’s good, but then the chair at the head of the table spins around and IT’S MIMI. She was hiding the WHOLE TIME. Oh Mimi, girl, you got us good.

empire-its-me-mimiI’ve got too much money and too much free time

“I thought I told you to sleep with her!” Cookie says to Anita. “I did,” Anika says, and I instantly add her to my list of bisexual characters to write about on AfterEllen.com. “You can’t even dyke right,” Cookie responds, and I wonder if Ilene Chaiken wrote this line or if someone else did and they had to ask her for approval.

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Mimi says Anika gets an A for effort, but she’s not about to invest in an Empire that doesn’t include Lucious. CUE THE MANICAL LAUGHING PRISON VIDEO MESSAGE.

empire-video-messageTurns out that lesbian bitch was as dumb as I thought she’d be!

Can you believe that we did not get even a glimpse of this Mimi/Anika sleep session? What a missed opportunity! Add it to a list of grievances we shall file with Ilene Chaiken. Along with the fact that Anika felt like she had to sleep with a power-hungry lesbian to keep her job. 

empire-i-didI’m still not over the time you had Shane leave Carmen at the altar, either.

Michael tells Jamal he’s sorry, he didn’t realize that the gayest gay man singing in his office would want to be seen in public with him. “You hate him because he’s too real for you!” But Jamal offers up $50 grand to get out of the gig as an apology. “You’re shady,” Michael says, but accepts.

empire-glaad-moneyFine, write the check out to me and I’ll make sure GLAAD gets it.

The rest of the episode is pretty much about murder threats. Frank sent Cookie a box with a head in it, so she gathers her children at Lucious’s house and heads to prison for a little meet and greet. Cookie infers Lucious is messing around with someone in prison and, as a former prisoner, she would know first hand. (I have full confidence that Cookie was a LURD. Sadly, I don’t know that she has a future romance with Mimi in the cards like pre-season press teased us.)

Anyway, Lucious saves the day (yay?) and says he’ll take care of Frank in prison, so he does (after promising to sign and basically do it with his young daughter because Lucious is gross) and everyone is safe, except for Frank, who is dead. Meanwhile at the mansion, the rest of the family gets to have the kind of fun conversations you have with people you are related to when you are stuck together. Jamal says he’ll never release Hakeem’s album which doesn’t sit so well with Hakeem. Cookie returns and Jamal kicks everyone out, but not before Cookie slaps him twice for being a disrespectful son. She’s crying and then behind the closed door, Jamal is crying and somewhere else in NYC that night, people at GLAAD are crying. But I bet you Mimi is somewhere having the time of her life.

Next week, Dee Rees directs the episode and Tiana is back!