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“Once Upon A Time” (5.10): Welcome to the Hellmouth

Previously on Once Upon A Time; Zelena used a dreamcatcher to give Hook back his memories and he realized Emma turned him into a Dark One to save his life. Also we had a glorious episode without a Charming or Hook or Hood to be found full of badass women helping badass women help family and it was a beautiful thing. Try to hold onto those happier times while we dive into this hot mess of an episode.

We pick up where we left off I guess two episodes ago, but this is Once Upon A Time were the rules are made up and timelines don’t matter. Emma is frozen with squid ink and Hook has had his memory restored; now he knows that Emma made him a Dark One back in Camelot to save his life. Somehow, despite supposedly having the darkness in him all this time, this changes everything and how he’s Evil.

He runs off with Zelena, and Regina & the Two Idiots storm into Emma’s house. Regina offers to check the bedroom and is already in Emma’s closet by the time Mary Margaret finds her daughter on her couch. Emma starts to explain, and Regina is pissed Emma valued Hook’s life enough to risk all of theirs by turning him dark.

Emma says she couldn’t let him die, and Regina understands, but says things are definitely complicated now. Emma looks at Regina pleadingly, wanting confirmation that killing Zelena was a good plan. It would get rid of the evil that tempts them both, fix at least half of Regina’s current problems. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, but it seemed like the lesser of infinite evils. Her mother scolds her for considering murder, and Emma throws her hands up. What was she supposed to do, there was no one around to tell her when she was being stupid. She looks again at Regina. Regina helpfully points out that she was, indeed, being stupid.

They ask for their memories back but her lair of dreamcatchers is just a shed now.

Hook goes to Gold’s shop because he remembered that his flashback self vowed to get revenge on his crocodile once and for all. He wants to savor his revenge though, and demands a duel with Rumpelstiltskin. Rumple suggests perhaps the fight isn’t fair, Hook being invincible and all, but Hook has Excalibur, which can kill him if Gold can get it from him. The boys agree to fight.

First Gold goes to Team Charming and tells them what went down. It’s funny because it looks like Emma is holding a roundtable of her own. Emma begs Gold to take off her cuff so she can protect them, but they’re hesitant. She even asks Henry to take it off, but he can’t trust her anymore.

Emma asks why she’s not allowed to give in to darkness and be redeemed like Regina and Rumpelstiltskin, and Henry says it’s because they’ve proven they’ve changed, that they can put others before themselves, that they can love. Emma has been pushing them away, and Henry can’t risk trying to get close again. He storms off, and Regina tells Emma to just give their son some time.

Belle says they should go to the library to do some research and Emma is left alone again.

Flashback to Camelot, where the Team is trying to find Dark Hook. Merlin warns them that Emma has chosen the darkest of dark paths he foresaw, and they look appropriately worried. Someone tells Lancelot he should try to find his mother, the Lady of the Lake, for help, and he starts to point out that technically the Lady of the Lake is Nimue, but he gets cut off when someone’s like, “Look, you’re one of the few non-white people here, you really don’t want to be here for what’s about to happen.” So off he goes.

David is mad that Emma didn’t just put everyone out of their misery and let Hook die, but Mary Margaret is always on the lookout for that silver lining and says it’s a good thing that their dark daughter still chose love.

Dark Hook yells at Emma for turning him back into a monster. Emma tries to explain that, like her, he is still capable of making his own choices, and all he has to do is ignore the RumpleVoice who she can somehow see too and want their future together to be good and not evil. He says he wants that, and his RumpleVoice goes away.

In Storybrooke, Belle asks Gold why he’s not going to the library with her.

Rumple says he’s not going to run from this battle, and that if he wins, he’ll go to their well, and if she meets him there, he’ll know she forgives him for being so terrible for so long.Meanwhile, Zelena goes to the hospital to see her daughter but Regina is one step ahead of her. She won’t let Zelena take Baby Hood from her father.

Regina looks her sister in the eye, and says, “You murdered Robin’s wife and literally raped him, there’s no way you’re getting custody of this child, even in a lawless town like Storybrooke.”

Merida is guarding Emma, because Regina asked her to, and hopefully so we won’t forget she exists so we can have another lady-filled badass episode like the last one again someday.

Dark Hook swoops in and stops Merida’s arrow and knocks her to the ground. He calls Emma a distraction and accuses her of ruining her own happiness. My brain has kind of short-circuited re: this entire storyline, but I’m pretty sure he only came there to yell at her some more.

Flashback Hook hears a weird sound in his head and RumpleVoice says that Emma has Excalibur and is using it to control him. Hook yells some more, this time scolding her for saving his life and for lying about Excalibur. The notes I took for my recap during this scene literally say, “wah, wah, wah, manpain.”

Present-day Emma goes to Gold’s shop to ask for help getting their memories back, specifically she wants Gold to keep Hook distracted enough for her to get her dreamcatchers back. He locks away the squid ink though, saying that wouldn’t be a fair fight. But he’s putting it RIGHT HERE *dramatically waves hands towards safe* in case anyone needs it.

Regina takes Zelena to The Loft and says that loving Henry is what helped her onto the path to goodness so maybe loving her nameless daughter will turn Zelena good, too.

Hood says they’ll never be a family, but she can visit her daughter as long as either Hood or Regina is there. They hand Zelena her baby, who she calls her little green bean, and for whatever reason she doesn’t poof away with her.

Emma finds Henry and asks for his help. Not removing the cuff, just finding her dreamcatchers.

Flashback Dark Hook is mad Emma can control him with the sword, so Emma hands it to him. She says she loves him and he says he loves her back. She’s sure this is just transition troubles and that she can help him through this.

The two Dark Ones return to Team Charming, hand in hand, and the Team is suspicious, but they trust their daughter. Merlin runs into Granny’s to leave the cauldron message we’ve already seen, and we learn now that the “Dark One” that interrupts him is Hook.

Hook wants to go back to Storybrooke, back to Rumpelstiltskin, but to do this, they would have to cast a curse that would require crushing the heart of someone he loved. Despite people finding loopholes to this all the time. He doesn’t want to hurt Emma, but since one Dark One is kind of all the Dark Ones at once, in a way, he IS Nimue, and in a way, Nimue still loves Merlin.

In Storybrooke, Henry uses a locator spell to find the dreamcatchers, which are in the clock tower, which means if anyone in that damn town had a full brain between them, they could have found it without magic. There is a protection spell on them though, so Henry removes Emma’s cuff so she can get them.

Flashback Emma realizes that Hook was playing her when she runs in and sees Merlin’s heart in Hook’s hand and Nimue looking ready to make some mischief. Hook blames her for this YET AGAIN despite the fact that she hasn’t killed anyone yet and she’s been dark for longer. He crushes Merlin’s heart and uses the dust to start that all-too-familiar purple-cloud curse.

It’s so like this show, isn’t it? To do something right and destroy it? To make Merlin, the most powerful wizard in this ‘verse and many others, a kind, gentle, loving, wise person of color. And then to kill him. Aside from Regina, there are no other main characters who are not white. For recurring characters, JoAnna Garcia is Cuban and played Ariel, and I think her and Jamie Chung‘s Mulan are the only “good” recurring characters who have stayed alive. But Ariel was in I believe a total of five episodes, and Mulan was largely ignored for two seasons. Poseidon was arguably good, but only in one episode. Ursula and Sidney Glass were evil. Tamara was evil and killed. Lancelot was killed, though has since been resurrected. Rapunzel was a one-off appearance (and was kind of both good and evil depending on how you look at it). I’m sure I’m forgetting one or two, but for a show that has been on for five seasons, I shouldn’t be able to count your non-white characters on my fingers. And I definitely shouldn’t be able to count your undeniably good/rootforable non-white characters on one hand.

Sometimes I wonder how the few decent writers of this show, the ones who seem to GET IT, feel. If it’s like that game you play when you’re younger, where you make up a story and pass it on. It always starts to take a turn after it leaves you, and you’re like ‘hm, that’s not where I would have taken it, but okay,’ and then there’s that one asshole who likes to watch the world burn and is all, ‘Everyone dies except me and one hot chick and then we run off together, the end,’ ruining it for everyone.

Anyway, buckle up, because that’s not the last horrible thing that happens in this horrible episode. Here’s a picture to cleanse the brain palate.

Rumpelstiltskin goes to the Jolly Roger to fight Hook. Hook cures his limp to make it a fairer fight, and Hook is impressed with the old man’s willingness to fight, saying if he had been this bold back in the day he might have returned his wife to him. He then adds, and I quote, “Soiled, but returned.” Soiled. Just…gross. At this point, I can’t even imagine how someone could root for him to get out of this. Between this comment, yelling at Emma over and over and over for nothing, and killing Merlin-blaming it all on the same darkness that Emma has done perfectly fine fighting against-this is finding out Ezra Fitz knew Aria was underage the entire time and continued to pursue/spy on her and her equally underage friends anyway levels of unforgivable.

For reasons that defy reason itself, Rumple bests Hook but still doesn’t kill him.

Rumple goes to the well to seek his reward, and Belle is there.

But Belle isn’t here to be his prize or to take him back. She’s had some time to think and reflect while she was being ignored by the writers, and she has found some self respect. She can’t forgive him all she’s done to him, even if he has supposedly changed. Plus, she heard Ruby is back and might be canonically queer and wants to find out if she was the beast to her beauty all along.

In Camelot, Emma knocks Hook out and takes his memory about being Dark and killing Merlin. She could have made him just about anyone or anything, but for some reason chooses to turn him into “the man he was” and brings everyone else to Granny’s to erase their memories, too. The curse spreads throughout the land, scooping up Merida, Arthur, and Gwen along the way.

Back in Storybrooke, present-day, Emma offers to give everyone their memories back. Merida isn’t quick to trust the Dark One, but Regina, of course, is.

Everyone has their dreamcatchers (Robin Hood’s is small like his pea brain) and waves her hand to return all of their memories. Emma’s memory hurts her worst of all and now she knows what Hook wants to do.

Hook was fine with being bested by Rumple because he only needed some of his blood to open a portal in the lake that leads to the underworld. He hails a death ferry and off steps Nimue, with all of the Dark Ones, in the flesh.

They’re here to snuff out the light.

Hook says, “Welcome to Storybrooke.” And I add, “It’s probably worse that whatever hell you just came from.”

What did you think of “Broken Heart?” Are you excited for the winter finale or are you looking forward to a little breather before 5b?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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