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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.12): Now with More Interchangeable White Guys!

Okay, I know we’re only two episodes into this rebooted version of Pretty Little Liars, but I’m really missing that old school PLL bonkers magic. Where are the tooth-implanted threats? The sinisterly punny group texts? The inanimate buildings telling Emily to “Act Normal, Bitch!” At least these ladies are still swimming in lies, otherwise, I might as well be watching The Fosters. Did you know that they are foster parents WHOSE LAST NAME IS FOSTER?! Nice try show, I’m on to you.

Be honest ladies…should we just start buying funeral dresses in bulk?]

We open with the Liars hanging out at the Radley bar, talking about how they shared their gruesome past with their current beaus. Hanna has already told Jordan about A, but Aria isn’t quite there yet with Liam. Aria has also packed her bags and is ready to scuttle off, claiming she needs to be back at work. Before she can leave, Hanna corners her and demands to know where Aria snuck off to the night Charlotte was murdered. Aria feeds her some bullshit about a car charger, but girl, you can’t hide those lying eyes!

I needed my car charger…for my Blackberry

That’s bullshit, Aria. No one’s owned a Blackberry since 2005!

We also find out that Emily got so drunk she puked in the bathtub. We’ve all been there, girl.

Over at the Hastings house, the Spaleb train keeps chugging right along. Spencer’s involvement in the Charlotte case is affecting Veronica’s senate campaign, so she tries to quit, but Caleb assures her he can spin the social media to their advantage.

The art department at Rosewood Politico is NOT fucking around you guys

At the police station, Ali is upset because Sara Harvey is taken off the suspect list. Lorenzo tells her that Sara’s arms and hands are too burned to have murdered Charlotte. How do they know this? I think they should start throwing shit at Shower Harvey’s head and see if she’s able to block it or not. Maybe it’s a good thing I never entered law enforcement. Lorenzo asks her if she thinks the Liars could have hurt Charlotte, and Ali defends her friends.

If her arms don’t work, then how does that fierce pixie cut stay on point? J’accuse!

Emily’s mom tries to convince her to take a trip with her to the cemetery to visit her dad’s grave, but Emily can’t bring herself to go. Instead, she hides behind Ali, saying that her friend needs her. Then Emily takes a shower, which is now code for evil/drugs/throwing up in the bathtub.

Back at Radley, Hanna is surprised by her fiancée, Jordan. Jordan is British, rich, and seemingly perfect, with none of the charming hobo qualities that Hanna usually falls for. Bored now.

I got you cupcakes!

I still wish you were Mona!

Before she leaves town, Aria swings by Ezra’s place. Turns out she snuck out to see him (no surprise there) and convinces him to lie about their late night hangout. Guys, I am really into this bossy, take-no-prisoners grown ass Aria. She didn’t buckle to Ali’s pressuring at Charlotte’s hearing, and now she’s putting Ezra in his place (not exactly, his place would be jail, but still, she’s quite commanding). Ezra is like, sure okay whatever.

We then jump to Emily at a medical center, giving a blood sample. The nurse tells her that whatever mystery treatment she’s getting can be stressful, and she should do it all in one place instead of traveling back and forth for treatment. Emily says that she really needs this treatment to work. So the big mystery is, what is Emily getting treated for? Is it lesbian cancer? Is she doing some crazy shoulder repair to swim again? Is it fertility drugs so she can sell her genetically superior eggs? Does she have a virulent strain of gonorrhea? SO MANY QUESTIONS. All I know is, if they Dana Fairbanks Emily, I will flip a table.

I’m sorry Miss Fields, but the test results say your blood is 80% vodka

Tito’s or Grey Goose?

Emily tries to pay for parking, but her credit card is declined. Luckily, Sabrina the Teenage Pothead magically appears to help. You guys remember Sabrina, right? She works at the Brew and got Spencer those weed gummies? She’s a delight.

Ali tells the Liars that Sara was released, and asks them to join her for dinner. They want to support Ali, but Hanna wisely heads straight to the liquor store.

Why go to the liquor store when we can just kiss Emily and get a contact buzz?

Back in Boston, Aria is reunited with her work boyfriend, Liam. Bookish brunette she shouldn’t be dating? Girl has a type. They meet with mean editor Jillian, who is pissed that Aria didn’t get Ezra’s latest manuscript, and assigns Liam to Ezra detail. Aria promises the editor that she can get through to Ezra in a way no one else can, which isn’t especially convincing since they all think Aria was just his student.

Spencer tells Caleb that when she was in college, she did a case study on a murder that mimicks Charlotte’s death. She goes off on a crazy paranoid Hastings tangent, but Caleb calms her down. Oh, guess who else saw her case study? Ezra.

I know we have work to do, but I can’t stop looking at Samira Wiley’s Instagram

Emily swings by the Brew to tell Sabrina not to tell anyone she saw her at the medical center. Was that really something to be concerned about? Way to make yourself more suspicious, Ems. Sabrina is the manager of the Brew now and tells Emily that she went through cancer. She advises Emily to lean on her friends and family, and Emily is like, “Nope, I’m the strong, silent type. Gotta run and suffer in silence!”

Emily, of course your empanadas are off the menu. You haven’t worked here in five years, and they were disgusting.

It’s time for the most awkward dinner party ever! Caleb and Jordan meet each other while Hanna desperately searches for a wine opener and some glasses. Ali makes snide comments about Aria and flips out when Spencer tries to move the flowers she bought for Charlotte. Emily tells Hanna she’s staying in town for a month, and Hanna asks her more questions about the Salk Institute.

Spencer tells Jordan about running into Caleb on a train platform in Madrid…where they clearly fucked. Meanwhile, Caleb and Hanna meet in the pantry and Caleb tells her that Jordan is a decent guy. We also find out that Hanna met Jordan when Caleb was backpacking through Europe, but they’re cool now and happy for each other.

Remember when I put that corkscrew up your butt?

It’s still there!

Ali gets a call from Lorenzo, who tells her that Charlotte’s time of death was around 4 am. Then Ali says the most passive aggressive, pointed grace, thanking Jesus for helping solve the murder and punishing whoever is protecting Charlotte’s murderer. Then she gives Hanna the side eye to end all side eyes, and Hanna doubles down on the vino.

And thanks, Satan, for smiting my enemies and making sure everyone in my eye line burns in the fiery pits of Hell

I SHOULD NOT have gotten that Barefoot wine from 7-11

Later, Spencer pressures Hanna into watching the Radley surveillance videos to see when Aria left. Hanna declares that she doesn’t sleuth anymore, but of course, she is immediately back to Sleuth City.

The next day, Emily and her mom are chilling at the Brew, when Pam sees Hollis Medical Center calling on Emily’s phone. Emily lies and says she’s interviewing at Hollis for grad school, and Pam suggests she look into sports medicine. She tells Emily not to worry, that her dad left her money for school and stuff. Before she can further entangle herself in lies, Emily sees Aria scuttling up the stairs to Ezra’s apartment.

Can I interest you in some breakfast? By breakfast I mean whiskey.

Aria tells Ezra that the publisher won’t take back the advance and that they want his manuscript, not just because money, but because he’s a really good writer! Eye roll. Ezra gives her a stick drive of the book, and Aria asks him where he went after their late night jaunt around town. He tells her he went home. OR DID HE.

Back at the Hastings House, Caleb is calming Spencer down about her college paper. Guys, I think I might be on board for Spaleb. They have chemistry and seem like a good balance. Spaleb reminisces about that magical night in Madrid, where they saw a bull fight, watched the sunrise, and presumably boned.

Cara and St. Vincent post the cutest pics. Wait, what are we here for?

The Liars watch the Radley security footage and see Aria meeting up with Ezra, and returning after 4 am. Emily is all, “Let’s erase the video!” and Hanna is all “This isn’t high school anymore! We can’t just toss police files into a babbling brook and assume nature will take care of the rest!” Remember the time Hanna tried to dig a hole with a beer mug to bury a gun? She’s grown so much, you guys.

Instead of sitting on it, the Liars decide to gang up and confront Aria for what FreeForm calls a #PLLIntervention. We then see Aria’s flashback of the night in question: she couldn’t sleep, so she called Ezra. They wandered around town looking for pizza until they see Charlotte sneaking into the church. Aria thinks they should call the cops, and Ezra stews angrily about the injustice of Nicole getting murdered and Charlotte walking free. Not the same thing, bro. He then shoves Aria into a cab and says good night.

This is an intervention, Aria

For mismatching prints? I haven’t worn those in five years! Fine, I wore a paisley skull two months ago, happy?

Aria tells the Liars that she always knows when Ezra is lying, and he lied to her about going straight home. This is just like Ali’s night of a thousand confrontations before she got buried alive. Or Emily’s night of a thousand blind car rides/50’s diners when she got roofied. I think nights are 15 hours long in Rosewood. Spencer is ready to convict Ezra of murder, but the Liars realize that any evidence against Ezra would also incriminate Aria.

Spencer shows her college paper to her mom and removes herself from the campaign. Veronica assures her that she wants her to stay, and tells Spencer that she is not a liability. Four stars for you, Veronica Hastings!

Oh honey, you’re not a liability. Your whore of a father, however…

Emily visits her dad’s grave for a talk. We find out that, after his death, Emily flunked out of college and lost her scholarship. She couldn’t come clean to Pam, who was devastated, so instead she built a web of lies to pretend to be okay. Emily starts crying and promising her dad she’s going to fix things when her grieving is interrupted by Shower Harvey visiting Charlotte’s grave. UGH Showers, you ruin everything!

I just don’t know what to do, Dad. This season of “Empire” is fucking terrible! Ilene Chaiken ruins everything!

Later on, Hanna deletes the security footage of Aria, and Ali invites Lorenzo over to tell him that she thinks her friends might have hurt Charlotte. At the graveyard, we see a mysterious figure lay flowers at the grave. A chauffer calls that person “sir” and closes the limo door.

Ugh, Mona would look so amazing at a beach wedding

What did you think of last night’s episode? And what is wrong with Emily? Tweet me your theories @ChelseaProcrast

Thanks, as always, to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs…now who wants to say grace?

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