TV

“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.13): Tossed Spaleb and Scrambled Eggs

You guys, this season of Pretty Little Liars is growing on me in a big bad way. It’s a trip to see the Liars acting so grown up, what with their jobs and their injections and their slamming of Ezra! We definitely need more A shenanigans, but at least we got our first simultaneous group text. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Despite being locked in a sauna (Spencer) and drug-massaged by Lucas (Emily), these girls are hella comfortable in spas

We open with the Liars (minus Aria) chilling at the Radley spa and rocking some cucumber eye masks. Hanna wants to relax, but Spencer is too busy worrying about Ezria’s lies. Hanna reveals that she deleted the security footage, and Spencer and Emily storm out of the spa, appointments be damned! Before she can leave, Emily sees Shower Harvey chilling in the next room. When Emily confronts her, Showers claims quiet room privileges and refuses to talk.

White bathrobes are the new black hoodies

Meanwhile, Aria is going through Ezra’s notes and skyping with Liam, who tells her that their editor is just about done with Ezra and his drinking. As are we all, Liam. As are we all.

Hanna runs into Lucas, who is now a game app millionaire with mansions and a silver Jag. He assumes she’s engaged to Caleb, and she has re-explain their break-up for the millionth time. Why is everyone so surprised that a high school relationship didn’t last into adulthood? This isn’t Glee.

Wanna see my impression of the “deal with it” meme?

Spencer and Melissa meet with the campaign staffers, who advise them to STFU about Charlotte and keep their answers vague and formless. Caleb is there, flirting with Spencer and offering to make her breakfast. Melissa immediately catches onto their chemistry, and makes fun of Spencer for shopping out of other people’s carts, but Spencer maintains that nothing is going on.

So you’re not fooling around with Caleb? Sure Jan.

Meanwhile, Emily’s massive lie starts unraveling when Pam gets a letter from Pepperdine about her dropping out. Let’s be real: It’s amazing the lie lasted this long, right? It’s like that time Emily pretended to be straight for 16 years. LOL! Can you even imagine?

Over at Radley, Lorenzo questions Ashley about the deleted section of security footage. Ashley pretends to have no idea, but, of course, realizes it had to be Hanna. Meanwhile, across the lobby, Ezra and Aria are having lunch. Ezra brings Aria the first chapter of his book, and Ashley has to stop him from ordering a beer because he got drunk and disorderly at Radley and broke a chair having a man tantrum. Ezra is going through a TOUGH TIME and he needs to process his FEELINGS. His ANGRY MAN FEELINGS.

I’m a man and I want a craft beer!

YOU’LL GET AN ARNOLD PALMER AND YOU’LL LIKE IT!

Spencer and Melissa are at Hollis trying to recruit young voters, and Spencer is giving an interview to a student journalist. The journalist keeps asking questions about Charlotte, and Spencer deflects him like a good politician. It’s going well until Hanna shows up, asking for Veronica’s help.

Across town, Pam Fields has run after Emily, waving her Pepperdine letter and demanding the truth. She feels like an idiot, but Emily is far too distracted by the looming presence of Shower Harvey, who eyeballs her from a park bench. Also, Emily took a fake college graduation photo to fool her mom. That girl is resourceful.

I just opened your Visa statement. How many Jimmy Buffet shirts does one girl need?!

DAMMIT MOM, I JUST WANNA WASTE AWAY IN MARGARITAVILLE!

Hey girl, looking for that lost shaker of salt?

A panicked Hanna shows up at Lucas’s swanky loft and begs him to be her alibi for the night that Charlotte was murdered. Lucas agrees because he’s never gotten over Hanna. Like, he hasn’t seen her in five years, but he’s immediately willing to perjure himself? It’s like he totally forgot the time she tried to murder him with a paddle.

Over at the Montgomery house, Aria is reading Ezra’s chapter out loud to Emily. Ems, I know you don’t want to go home, but there’s no way it could be worse than this. Aria is enraptured with his work, which is basically a re-telling of their relationship. Ugh. Also, we find out that “Ezra likes small women” which EW EW EW. Emily can hardly concentrate, though, since she’s fixated on Showers. Not only is Harvey following her every step, but she’s eating fried chicken with gloves on! THAT BITCH!

“And then they put paper bags on their heads and took selfies.” This is the best book ever!

Aria, you are as wrong about that book as you are about that shirt you’re wearing

Spencer swings by Hanna’s place to find Hanna researching munchkin cats for her boss. You know, work. We also find out that Hana’s ringtone for Jordan is “Let’s Get Physical,” which is TMI Hanna. When Spencer starts asking her about Caleb, the penny drops, and Hanna realizes that Spencer caught feels for her hobo. Spencer assures her that nothing happened (not even in Spain!), and Hanna tells Spencer to find out if Caleb reciprocates her feels. It’s all very grown up and mature, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

The next day, Aria is trying to build Ezra’s writing confidence, but he’s really committed to the brooding alcoholic thing and blows her off. So many shades of Ezra, all equally insufferable! Spencer finds out from the baby journalist that Mona Vanderwaal applied to work on her mom’s campaign but was turned away…and now she’s campaigning for her opponent! Spencer and Mona facing off in the political octagon? Yes, please.

You don’t call Mona. Just whisper her name into the wind and she’ll magically appear.

Remember how I said Hanna was all mature and shit about Spaleb? Whelp, now she’s wearing a bathrobe as clothes and eating frozen orange juice concentrate out of a can OUT OF THE GARBAGE. Aria skypes with her shirtless boyfriend, who tells her that the editor is ready to drop Ezra’s drunk, pretentious ass. What does Aria do? Ghostwrite Ezra’s novel, that’s what. UGH GIRL WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING.

Can’t a girl just eat frozen juice in a bathrobe and heels without it being weird?!

Emily sneaks off to the bathroom, and Hanna spies her injecting something into her leg. She immediately confronts her, and Emily comes clean: she dropped out of college, blew through her dad’s money, and is now selling her eggs. Hanna offers to loan her money, but Emily assures her that she feels good about the donation, and is excited to help a couple in need. Remember the time Emily danced her way into a pageant to help Hanna pay for college? Hanily is ride or die.

At the end of her rope, Emily is now freebasing a better storyline

Very concerned but also very turned on

While Hanna is a great friend, she is probably the worst at making up alibis. Lorenzo calls her and Lucas into the interrogation room, where their hastily thrown together lie is quickly picked apart by Lorenzo. Sidebar: what ever happened to Tanner? Did she get fired? Is Lorenzo the chief of police? Is Toby even a cop anymore? Also, Lucas’s entire alibi rests on him hoping to get lucky with Hanna when she was drunk, which, gross.

Spencer comes home to find a distraught Melissa, who thinks the Hollis reporter knows about the incriminating tape she sent Spencer where she confesses to burying Bethany Young alive. Spencer quickly realizes that the tape in question is the Radley one that Hanna deleted (so many blackmail tapes!) and texts Aria.

Melissa, that’s a terrible skirt, but there’s no need to cry over it

Emily confronts Showers at the Radley bar and demands to know why she’s still in town. Showers plays the victim and alludes to Emily feeling guilty over her hand injury. She even threatens to take her gloves off, which would surely reveal plastic Barbie hands. Great, now there’s a “Showers Thing.”

Emily is so hard up for cash that her sleeves are about to get repo’d.

Aria, eyes a’ crazin’, barges into Ezra’s apartment to warn him that the other Liars are rolling in to accuse him of murdering Charlotte. She tells him that she will lie for him, because she knows he murdered Charlotte to protect her. Really jumping the gun here, girl. Before Ezra can respond, the rest of the Liars barge in demanding that he confess. Hanna starts yelling at Ezra that she was the one who protected Aria by deleting the tape, and calls him the worst. FOUR FOR YOU HANNA MARIN. Ezra screams at them to get out, and the Liars retreat. He tells Aria that he didn’t kill Charlotte, but he’s not sorry she’s dead.

I’m wounded!

YOU’RE WOUNDED?! Bitch, who do you think you’re talking to?!

Spencer goes home to Caleb and we flashback to the Showers Thing. After Emily punched her in the face, Showers grabbed onto the bomb wires and electrocuted her hands. Emily tried to help her, but Ali held her back. Despite missing her entire high school science curriculum, Ali still knows that electricity is conductive. We flash forward, and Caleb assures her that it’s not the Liars’ fault that Showers burned her hands.

We gonna rock down to electric avenue

Emily comes home to find Pam on the porch with a comically large glass of wine. She makes Emily promise always to be honest with her (LOL) and assures her she doesn’t have to suffer alone. She then pours her an equally large glass of wine. Cheers to good parenting!

Me and this large glass of merlot are here for you, Emily

Hanna visits Lucas to apologize for roping him into her nonsense. He asks her if she killed Charlotte and she assures him she didn’t. Since he’s leaving town for work, he gives her the keys to his sweet bachelor pad and makes her dinner.

Spencer and Caleb sit by the fire, drinking beers. Spencer shares her feels, and she and Caleb start holding hands and making out and getting busy on the couch. Maybe it’s Caleb’s inherent lesbianism, but I thought this scene was pretty hot. Guys, I think I’m into Spaleb.

Well, Spencer never was able to resist homeless men living in her barn…

Liam calls Aria and tells her that their editor loved the pages. She continues to write Ezra’s book, which is a smart choice and not at all messed up.

The Liars all get their first simultaneous A text in five years, but this one is signed with a red devil emoji. Ryan Murphy, is that you? We end on A’s lair, stacked with dolls, a record player, Ali masks, and a case full of black hoodies. Welcome back, bitch.

Sooo….you’re not calling us bitches then?

What did you think of last night’s episode? How are you feeling about Spaleb? Tweet me your thoughts @ChelseaProcrast.

Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. All the orange juice concentrate for you.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button