Welcome to another exciting installment of Pretty Little Liars recaps, where we puzzle over Aria’s hideous purse collection and considerable lack of chill. Seriously, the girl needs gummy bears from Sabrina like nobody’s business. Also, New A is using emojis like our moms, and it’s driving lesbian Twitter nuts.
If I squint real hard, he kind of looks like Aria
We open on the morning after of the great Spaleb Shagathon. Spencer sneaks out of bed, tosses on a shirt, and hooks up with her real love, coffee. She checks her phone to find the A text and rushes to meet with the Liars at Radley. Sorry Caleb, this girl is fresh out of snuggles.
This is exactly what my texts look like in the morning, but they’re all from my mother
The Liars puzzle over the group text, wondering if Ali or Sara is the culprit. Emily doesn’t buy Sara’s wounded bird routine, and nobody buys Ezra’s brooding man tears. Hanna texts A back, and A reveals that they know the Liars. Hold the fucking phone: could they have been texting back with A this whole time? Why are they not constantly bombarding A with obnoxious texts? If I was getting texts like that, you better believe I’m responding with ALL the dick pics.
Blackmail? Dicks.
Creepy dolls made your image? Dicks.
Bees in your mom’s car? DICKS FLYING AT YOUR PHONE EVERY NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m all out of dick pics, so I’m just gonna bombard A with Donald Trump GIFs
Where was I? Oh, right. Ali isn’t in town since she’s gone on an Amish dairy farm tour with her dead sister’s therapist and his family. You know, normal people things. The Liars watch as Lorenzo leads a press conference. He says that they know what the murder weapon was, and the Liars get a group text of a nine iron. It’s about as spooky as a text about golf can get.
Watch out, it’s the BOGEY man! *only golf joke I will ever make*
Aria visits the Brew, where Sabrina tells her that Ezra has left town for one of his many depression-fueled walkabouts. She tries to wheedle Ezra’s apartment key from Sabrina, but Sabrina is having none of it.
Spencer and Caleb enjoy their post-sex reunion…in front of the entire campaign staff. Caleb talks about moving out of the barn, but Spencer is more concerned about the rival candidate’s daughter, Yvonne, who is gorgeous, accomplished, and dating Toby. Ruh-Roh.
I loved that thing you did with your tongue
I learned that from Emily
Over at Lucas’s swanky apartment, Hanna is waxing on about Jordan’s family’s private jet, and how it makes first class feel like coach. Emily nods and smiles, like she didn’t bus it all the way home from California.
Private jet huh? That sure beats smoking weed in a Greyhound bathroom!
Hanna loves Jordan, so she decides to tell him the truth about deleting the security footage. Meanwhile, Caleb goes over to Toby’s trailer, where he meet Yvonne. Then he grabs a morning beer and breaks the news to Caleb that he’s boning his ex. Toby looks like a hurt little puppy dog, but they awkwardly hug it out. It’s like those fishing trips meant nothing!
I fucked your girlfriend!
Sad Charlie Brown Music
Back at the Brew, Aria has convinced Emily to charm Sabrina into a coffee date while she can run upstairs and break into Ezra’s apartment. While Aria is counting Ezra’s golf clubs, Emily works her magic and flirts up a storm with Sabrina. We also find out that Sabrina is completely unplugged from technology and social media, which means she’s missing out on great stuff like #AngryEzra and those YouTube videos where pandas sneeze and fart at the same time.
No internet? So do you hand draw your own porn or do you have a crazy good imagination?
Spencer is having a coffee outside, where she finds out (for reasons too dumb to explain) that Toby is going to propose to Yvonne. Before she can fully freak out, she notices that a car with tinted windows is taking photos of her.
Tinted windows don’t mean nothing; they know who’s inside
Hanna comes clean and tells Ashley that she deleted the security footage. Her “Oh Hanna” response is perfect. She tells Hanna that the hotel backs up all their footage on a farm/cloud/secret vault, and they can’t just break in and delete that too.
Just when Emily and Sabrina start vibing, Aria has to barge in and ruin their moment. She drags Emily away to tell her that A) Ezra has an answering machine and B) Byron left a cryptic message for him. Is Byron the killer? Is Ezra implicated? Is it 1994 when having an answering machine was normal? Either way, Aria is being a major twat block, so much so that Sabrina suggests she get herself some weed to calm the fuck down.
So help me Aria, if you jam my clam again I will toss BOTH of these cups in your face
Back at Lucas’s, Hanna confesses to Jordan about the tape. He’s super sweet about it and gets his dad on the line to help clean up Hanna’s mess. Perfect fiancée continues to perfect I guess. Despite his kind reaction, Hanna doesn’t tell Jordan about the emoji-laden text threatening her not to squeal to the cops. This would be so much more intimidating without those piglet emojis, but New A is all about that emoji life.
It’s like getting threatened by a 6th grader
Spencer runs into Toby and Yvonne on the street and almost congratulates them on their engagement before realizing that it hasn’t happened yet. Then Yvonne uses Toby to get out of a parking ticket, which is probably the best part of dating Toby. Yvonne is pretty and smart and has her shit together. Bet you dollars to donuts she gets murdered, and Spencer gets framed.
Meanwhile, Emily is hanging out at Aria’s house, where a CREEPY MAILMAN is staring at her through the window.
Don’t mind me, just creepily staring at you in plain sight
Aria gets hung up on by her dad and continues to spin out about his possible involvement in Charlotte’s murder. Flashback time! Aria remembers a fight Byron and Ella had about Charlotte. Apparently, Ella went to visit Charlotte for answers and started having sympathy for Charlotte’s tragic backstory. Byron however, has zero sympathy and would rather Charlotte stay locked up forever.
Just then, Aria realizes that she took Ezra’s loft key with her. Rookie mistake, Aria.
Aria gonna lurk
Jordan’s dad brings in a fancy pants lawyer to help Hanna, but in order to do so, Hanna must tell her all the truth, and nothing but the truth so help her. Instead of that, Hanna lies about the pig emoji text. WAY TO GO, EVERYONE.
Caleb traces the A texts, and he and Spencer set out to track A down. Caleb knows about the Toby text that A sent and asks Spencer why she deleted it. Spencer tells him that she just wanted some fun, uncomplicated new relationship time, which is absurd considering she’s fucking her best friend’s first love. Drama will always be in the cards, girl.
Drive-thru Long John Silvers, alright!
Emily tries to sneak Ezra’s key back into the lock box, but Sabrina catches her. Sorry Ems, but not even that sexy mini skirt is gonna get you out of this one. Sabrina takes the lock box away and shuts her down. Goddamnit Aria, this is all your fault.
Would you believe I was just looking for your stash?
Hanna and her fancy lawyer go to Lorenzo to confess, but it turns out they dodged a bullet: the Radley backup tapes have been stolen. Yay? Aria goes through her hideous pile of handbags and finds the spare key to her dad’s car. She opens the trunk and finds out he’s missing a nine iron.
Spaleb follows the trace to an unlocked storage unit, where they find the cell phone in a trash can full of black hoodies and gloves. Meh, this storyline was much more exciting when it was a barrel full of possible human remains. Sorry show, you’ve spoiled me!
On the plus side, free hoodies!
Ashley Marin comes home, pours herself a glass whiskey, and takes the stolen Radley backup drive out of her purse, once again confirming that she is the most ride or die of all the moms.
Whiskey: when there’s not enough red wine in the world
The next day, Spencer and Yvonne hold their Rock the Vote/Daughter Debate/Plot Convenience Party, where a whopping 20 people showed up. Did PLL already blow their extras budget on Veronica’s campaign rally? Spencer and Yvonne get along great, which is not surprising considering they are basically the same person.
And that’s why we’re voting for Dukakis! Olympia Dukakis 2016!]
The Liars realize that the nine iron photo was taken at Radley, so Hanna sneaks into her mom’s office to check the guest list. Neither Ezra nor Byron is staying there, and Emily is convinced Sara must be the one behind things. Aria continues to be in desperate need of a Xanax.
Creep Mailman(now creepy bellhop) watches everything unfold, then walks their melting face outside and into a car. They take off their mask, but of course, we don’t see their face. Is it Lucas? Sara? Mona? Three little kids in a trench coat?
In a stunning new twist, A is disguising themselves as the patriarchy!
Stay tuned for next week, where Team Sparia makes a glorious return and Emily’s eggs get jacked by A.
Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. She can borrow my nine iron anytime.
