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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.13): Sweet dreams aren’t made of this

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Whoa, do you know five months have passed since we last saw our favorite crime fighters? That’s almost half a year without a “Rizzoli” or an “Isles.” I feel positively disoriented. So in case you’ve forgotten, Jane is being stalked, hacked and arson-ed by a mystery person with a serious grudge. And then said person does the worst thing you could possibly do to Det. Jane Rizzoli—hurt Dr. Maura Isles.

So Maura has been lured to a fake crime scene, ambushed and kidnapped. I’ve said it once, and I’ve said it before, putting Maura Isles in danger is the Rizzoli & Isles equivalent of putting Willow Rosenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in danger—automatic fandom heart attack. It is also an automatic Jane Rizzoli heart attack.

Jane is pacing and panicking because it’s obvious whoever attacked Maura only wanted Maura. She spots Maura’s phone on the ground and checks the recent calls log. Two things 1) More than half the calls are from Jane and 2) Jane knows Maura’s password. None of this should be surprising to anyone, but still it’s—you know—telling.

Jane blames herself for Maura’s abduction because she was focused on protecting Mama Rizzoli. Ah, it’s the old “which loved one is in danger” bait-and-switch. Your mother, your girlfriend; your mother, your girlfriend. Korsak tries to calm Jane down by saying Maura is “strong, smart and capable” and will do her part. All this is true, but you try staying rational when the love of your life is in grave danger. Yeah, not so easy.

So, what happened to Boris? Is he just gone now? Did he quit as Jane’s bodyguard after declaring her the worst client ever? I think we could all use some of his chocolate chip cookies right now. Also, a nap, as everyone keeps reminding Jane about her lack of sleep. You know when people are trying to be nice and say, “Honey, you look tired,” but what they’re really saying is, “Girl, you look like shit?” Yeah, it’s like that.

The team is working two leads: One the dispatch call that came in to Maura’s phone, which makes the kidnapping seem like an inside job, and two, the murdered butterfly tattoo lady who was on Jane’s arson video. Meanwhile, Mama R is doing the most important work of all: making everyone their favorite sandwiches with their names handwritten on the brown paper bags. Bless.

You know if Maura were there, she would have made her some sort of kale and quinoa salad, because that’s the sort of individualized care she puts into the people she loves. Before leaving Mama R tells Jane how she never realized, after all these years of worrying about the dangers of Jane’s job, that she also had to worry about the dangers of Maura’s job, too. See, now that’s a great mother-in-law. Like I was saying, bless.

Smug Kent—who I have still not fully forgiven for replacing Susie—has come back with some results. The blood they found was O+, which Jane knows immediately means it isn’t Maura’s. Yeah, how many “just friends” blood types and phone passwords do you know? Hell, I don’t even know my own blood type. Kent then makes some unwelcome reference to witches and Jane lectures him on the outmoded and misogynistic imagery and stereotypes surrounding the term. Well, fine, she would have were they not pressed for time and searching for her one true love.

Can we talk for a minute about the music they’re using this episode? I won’t lie, even though I know Maura is going to be just fine (because it’s Rizzoli & Isles, not Rizzoli & The Smug Lab Guy We’re Still Not Sure Why They Added), it’s making everything very tense.

Or maybe that’s just my natural reaction to seeing Maura in handcuffs. Sorry, let me reword that, it’s my natural reaction to seeing Maura in involuntary handcuffs. My reaction to voluntary handcuffs would be, shall we say, very different.

The team rules out the inside job angle after learning about a spoofing software and the dangers of helping so-called 13-year-old girls with their homework. Jane decides to look through the files of people in prison with tattoo arson video lady, even though it’s a stretch. Smug Kent becomes the umpteenth person to tell Jane she looks tired and should have a nap. So Jane, in a true moment of fandom fulfillment, tells him to take his mansplaining and shove it.

Next, naturally, she goes to Maura’s office. If you can’t be with the one you love, be with her stuff. She starts going through the files, then next we see her surrounded by them in the dead of the night. But there’s a weird noise, like The X-Files weird—emanating from the autopsy room.

Jane goes to investigate, and there’s a body under a sheet on one of the slabs. Here comes the tense, creepy music again. I never thought I’d say it, but all of a sudden I miss those jaunty little jigs this show loves to play between scenes. The weird sounds come to a head, and Jane swirls around to see … Susie?

Yes, it’s Senior Criminologist Susie Chang. Was I not just talking about her? Were her ears burning? Can a ghost’s ears burn? Ghost Susie reassures her, “Don’t worry, Jane, I’ll take good care of her.” Then she hands Jane a toe tag for Maura written out in blood. I know this is unsettling and all, but—damn—isn’t it good to see Tina Huang? We miss you, girl.

Jane wakes with a start, still on Maura’s couch but now under the watchful eye of Mama R. She adds to the “You need sleep. Sleep, Jane, sleep.”-pile on, but in a loving way. But Jane can’t, and won’t, feel better until they find Maura. I mean, could you rest if your girlfriend was kidnapped? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Cell phone records show one person of particular interest buzzing around the abduction site. It’s the prison psychiatrist. Did I call that shit or what? Jane goes to investigate, which we all know is shorthand for “Jane prepares to kick ass.”

Back in scary abandoned building land, Maura is calmly assessing her situation. She is chained to a rusty pipe. She has a new rat BFF. And there’s a bunch of creepy, dusty hospital furniture around her. But instead of freaking out she calmly takes off her belt. I like the way this woman thinks.

Fine, she took it off for a real reason not involving my juvenile titillation. It was to use the buckle to unscrew a bracket holding the pipe in place. Lesson to all future kidnappers: Never abduct a genius. Really, never abduct anyone, because it’s—you know—illegal.

After freeing herself from the wall, she searches the room for a way out or a weapon. The latter shows itself first, and then as footsteps approach, she positions herself back on the pipe. Yep, that’s our Maura. Strong, smart and very, very capable.

Back at the Isles Estate, Mama R is burning her cookies. Like everyone else she is preoccupied with Maura’s kidnapping. Otherwise, you know she’d never commit such a sin against baked goods. Her phone rings; it’s Hope, Maura’s biological mom.

I was going to call foul on this, because wouldn’t the police be the ones to notify Maura’s parents? But this actually makes sense because I doubt they’d go so far down the phone tree to contact a bio-parent. So, you know, carry on, show. Nice continuity. Granted, we haven’t seen Maura’s mom Constance in, like, three seasons. But that’s fine.

Jane searches the prison psychiatrist’s desk. She becomes convinced he did it when she pulls some empty balloons from a drawer. Uh, did I miss something? Did a scary clown kidnap Maura? Is my memory that bad?

Fine, so I had to look it up because, yes, my memory is that bad. The arson video woman who was murdered had balloons of cocaine in her stomach. In my defense, five months is a long time to hold onto a tidbit of information like that.

Maura learns it’s the prison psychiatrist at the same time when he returns to check on her. He ties her to an abandoned wheelchair and gives her an impromptu haircut. Well, that’s one way to explain an unexpected haircut between filming dates. He also makes some crack about the musical Cats, but Maura corrects him because no one makes out-of-date Broadway references around The Gays.

He taunts her about being a smartypants, And then he smacks her across the face. Oh, man, I cannot wait until Jane rips into this guy. And I mean that pretty literally. He takes some pictures for what I’m assuming will be a ransom and/or taunting message to send to Jane. Yeah, buddy, keep making the lady with the gun angrier and angrier—I dare you.

Through all of this Maura quizzes her captor, but in a smart, subtle way because she is Maura. She asks why he didn’t kidnap one of Jane’s sisters. He says stealing her from under her nose was more fun. Ah-ha. So he doesn’t really know Jane that well. So he is not only a bad person but also a bad stalker?

Jane, who can now add Nina to the growing tally of people who have told her she looks terrible/needs sleep, finally gives in and talks about her feelings. She paces in the break room and explains how she never thought she would have to worry about protecting the people she loves. In short, she pours out her heart to … Eduardo the janitor … who doesn’t speak English. Oh, Janey, so bad with feelings in any language.

The team figures out where they think Maura is being kept from the prison psychiatrist’s cell phone movements. The abandoned facility sounded an awful lot like Arkham Asylum, so I’m going with that. Hey, sometimes I’m too lazy to rewind.

Speaking of cellphones, he is on his talking to someone in front of Maura. Looks like he has an accomplice. In fact, it looks like he is the sidekick and this mystery person is probably the mastermind. Or at least, the other person probably has enough mind to know Jane doesn’t have any sisters. Said mastermind tips him off to a SWAT team coming to their location.

So now the plan is to flee through the tunnels. He tries to chloroform Maura, but remember, she’s the only smart cookie in this situation. So she fakes being knocked out.

Jane and the cavalry arrive. It never ceases to amuse me how on cop shows they always have the detectives/profilers/crime scene investigators leading tactical strikes with only a bulletproof vest on while the highly trained, full-body armored SWAT team follow obediently behind them. Oh, television, you funny.

Well, at least it gives us plenty of time to ogle Jane’s Ponytail of Righteous Justice and Cop Arms. I take back all my teasing, television. Please, carry on.

They get to the room Maura was being kept captive in, though of course she is already gone. But Jane stops because she recognizes something. It’s Maura’s perfume. She knows it, intimately. First her phone passcode, then her blood type, now her perfume. Sure, show, tell me again about how they’re only friends. It’s my favorite funny story.

Jane also finds the message Maura has written to them in the dust. It tips them off to the tunnels. But being a proactive change-maker, Maura plans her own escape as well. When her captor stops to put her down, she brings out the bit of metal she found in the wheelchair and slashes him with it. Then she runs away. Be the change you want in the world, honey.

Jane & Co. heads down into the tunnels. I know it’s silly—because, again, they’re not killing Maura when her name is in the title—but this was genuinely tense. It’s that damn cat-and-mouse music again—gets me every time.

Korsak and Jane go down one tunnel and Frankie another. Jane and Korsak happen upon a scared, but OK, Maura who is hiding. The relief on Jane’s face is palpable. Then they hear two shots and Jane goes off to check on Frankie. But, before she goes Maura tells her the prison psychiatrist isn’t working alone. See, always looking out for each other, these two.

Frankie is fine, just a little dazed by falling debris. So Jane continues to run after our baddie, who shoots at her willy-nilly. To be honest, I think most shooting is done willy-nilly. Well, except by Jane. She knows what to do with her gun.

Has anyone kept a tally of how many bad guys Jane has shot over the course of this show? Granted, she’s probably not in Dirty Harry territory, but still. I’m assuming Jane and Maura use her mandatory paid administrative leave after each officer-involved shooting as a chance for romantic getaways.

Jane demands Maura’s kidnapper tell her who he is working with, and why her. But he only chokes out a “Why not?” before croaking. Criminals can be so inconsiderate.

Kidnapping plot now safely over, Jane rushes back to Maura’s side. They share some super quicky gurney eye sex. Jane tearfully promises to go straight to Maura’s hospital bed after she wraps up on the scene. So I guess we’ll have to imagine their Big Gayzzoli Ending. No doubt once she is there they’ll plan their next paid-leave getaway. Maybe another romantic mud bath session? A gal can dream.

And now, it’s time again for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. For whatever reason, most of you seemed pretty confident about Maura’s impending rescue. Weird, that.

– Kristen (@hachiemachie) February 17, 2016

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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