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“The Fosters” recap (3.15): Out of the closet, Lena

Previously on The Fosters, Jude and Callie tried to help Jack out of a bad foster home (he was there because of Justina Shadypants). Brandon found out Cortney has a kid, Jesus found out his dad is legally forbidden from seeing him, and all the kids found out that Stef has cancer. Stef got so filled up with fear over her surgery and the worry that Lena won’t love her anymore after the surgery that she nearly combusted. Fortunately, Lena took her skinny dipping to cool her down.

The episode begins with a slick and terrifying ad for the horrors of the foster care system. It’s like they took that APCA ad with the Sarah MacLachlan song and just added kids. It’s horrific. The moms are suspicious of Callie being used in this ad campaign to support legislation that none of them have read. Justina tells them not to worry. When has the government ever done them wrong? Lady, you’re talking to lesbians. The government hasn’t been exactly kind to us.

I did not raise this child to write Ezria fanfic!

Justina offers to get them a copy of the bill to read right after she promises Callie a trip to the White House. Moms are not having it. Callie has homework and, unlike Brandon, she can’t just skip off to the east coast anytime she wants. After Justina leaves, Callie is like “What the effing crap was that all about?” Well, seeing as you don’t have the best track record when it comes to making awesome choices we’re going to need to check this lady out. Callie can’t believe it! Having parents who care is the worst!

The doorbell rings, and it’s Mike and AJ. AJ apologizes for running away with Ty. He didn’t know what else to do, but he’s sorry. Mariana says she understands. Family is everything. AJ goes outside, and Callie follows him. She didn’t know about Ty otherwise, she wouldn’t have told Stef where AJ was. AJ is too broken up about it all to talk to Callie.

Mike asks Stef how she is. Well, it’s been ten days since major surgery, Callie just hauled off and yelled at her, AJ showed up asking for forgiveness, and everything is kinda bonkers per usual, but she’s doing all right. Just another day in paradise.

The next morning, Jesus finds Gabe and gives him back his tool belt. He knows what Gabe did and doesn’t want anything from the guy.

At school, Mariana says hi to Lexi. They haven’t seen much of each other since student government took over Lexi’s life. Awkward. Lexi skips off to class and Nick strolls up and starts talking about how Mariana “owes” him a whole dinner date for making him wait. Ick. Officially the grossest, Nick.

Are those pictures of us skinny dipping?

School president, Sally, is showing Lena and Monte her plans for this year’s community outreach project. She’s doing great until she asks if it could double for her senior thesis. Monte says sure but then Lena shuts her down. They can’t fund senior projects. Not to be deterred, Monte says maybe you can get everything donated. Oh Monte, stop trying to find a loophole. You aren’t going to find one that gives you access to Lena’s lips.

Jesus is drawing his skateboard like one of those French girls when Mariana saunters up and demands to know why he skipped Divination. He just had to give Gabe back his tool belt, okay? Why not just throw it away? Because he felt like yelling and being mad because his moms never showed him how to use a hammer and honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with this storyline.

She sang what at the Suds Bucket?

Callie is at Girls United asking Rita of she can do a profile of her for her senior project. Callie is mostly interested in what it was like to be a Rockford Peach and did Dottie drop it or did Kit knock it free? Callie bitches about how her moms are being such a drag about not letting her go to Washington without checking into the adult taking her on this trip. Good lord, they are monsters! Turns out, Rita has read the bill Justina is supporting and maybe Justina is a little bit full of shit.

Brandon runs into Cortney behind the restaurant. She thinks he’s been avoiding her because she has a kid. Nope, just your average mom with cancer.

Lena’s telling Stef about her frustrating day at work while getting changed like a middle schooler getting ready for gym class. Lena, don’t deprive Stef of a chance to ogle you respectfully. I’m pretty sure that was in your wedding vows.

Mariana comes in to tell on Jesus. Not only has he found their birth father, but the guy is a sex offender. Stef tells them to stay away from Gabe. She tells them that this is not a warning they can just ignore because they think she’s being crazy. Apparently, she has been paying attention to the kid antics.

You two need to stay out of trouble if I am ever going to see your mom’s boobs again.

Nice needs help from Jesus with his date. Jesus is pissed Mariana broke their “no dating each other’s friends” policy, so he has the perfect thing for Nick to do with Mariana. Surprise, Mariana you are going on a double date with Jesus and Lexi! But not before Stef tells Nick to watch it with her daughter or he’s going to impound his car and possibly castrate him, mmkay?

I’ve been shot, had my breasts removed, lost a baby, and now this dope shows up?

Brandon is serenading Cortney with a wacky, Sesame Street inspired ditty about how she should give him a chance. She doesn’t have time for dates with high school boys who make up nonsensical songs. He’s going to find her some time to go out with him. Good luck, buddy.

Callie lays into Justina for supporting a bill that privatizes foster care. Justina thinks she’s “earned” the right to explain herself. Ew, just as gross as Nick. She explains that privatizing foster care is just like charter schools. Callie goes to a charter school so therefore, how can she be against this bill? Oh, Callie, you should get Mariana to explain all this to you, She’s the Hermione to your Harry.

Hermione is out with Cormac McLaggen and having a grand time listening to her twin be a royal dickhead. Lexi calls him out for being a jerk to Mariana. He promises that’s just a bonus; he really is thrilled to be going on with her. Back at the table, Mariana is realizing that Nick’s dad is an asshole.

Are you kidding me with this?

Back in the dream kitchen, Mike is laying out Ty’s case for Stef. Stef can’t believe this shit. She just had a double mastectomy, and everyone is asking her for four hundred things. Shortest honeymoon in history. When Mike leaves, Callie challenges Stef. How come she told Callie she wasn’t disposable, but Ty is?

When our older daughter was about two and a half, she came home from preschool and told us some kid in her class had called her stupid. That kid’s name was Trevor, and I am still a little mad at him almost five years later. So, yeah I get Stef not wanting to help the kid who nearly killed two of hers.

Brandon has found Cortney the time to date him. It involves their 15-minute break and some food he had the boys in the back whip up. Everything is going well until her ex shows up with her son. Turns out he got called into work and can’t take care of the kid. Brandon volunteers. Good move, Brandon but man you are screwed.

Stef is getting changed, and Lena asks if she needs help with her chest binding contraption. Nope, she’s good. She doesn’t need any help ever; she’s Super Stef! Only Super Stef doesn’t have any feeling in her chest. Stef gets a text letting her know that maybe Gabe’s not the kind of sex offender they thought he was.

Secret underwear? The secret is it’s wicked comfortable!

Nick decides to show off for Mariana by drag racing. Jesus goads him and then end up running a red light and generally being dickheads. Mariana shouts for him to stop the car. She calls Nick an ass and she and Lexi get out and walk away. My name is Lucy Hallowell, and I very much approve of this message.

Lexi and Mariana are processing on the front porch as god intended. Mariana felt bad because Lexi was gone for a whole year and she’s still more popular. Well, if you’re holding out for universal popularity you’ll be waiting a long time, Mariana.

Just a couple gals being pals.

Cortney rescues Brandon from certain death by two-year-old. Maybe be a little nicer to your parents, okay B? Truly nothing is more fun for parents than watching non-parents try to keep up with their kids. The schadenfreude is delicious. Cortney takes Mason out to the car and Brandon races after them with Mason’s bear. For saving Cortney from a night of no sleep and a sad toddler, Brandon earns himself a kiss.

Back at home, Stef reads Ty’s file by refrigerator light. Stef John Wayne’s her way into the courtroom, swagger intact and offers the judge a statement on behalf of Ty. He didn’t steal the truck he was driving and frankly, the justice system in this country is far from just, especially if you’re black. She may not forgive him for nearly killing her babies; she sure understands why he didn’t stick around for the cops to show up.

Bend and snap? Nah. The uniform and swagger has a 97% success rate.

Monte is just so darn proud of herself. Well, proud of Sally, who totally got the nursery to donate all the materials so she can have the project count as her senior thesis. Lena is not so thrilled. Monte is bending the rules to help one student, and it’s not fair. Monte is all “I read Lean In! We have to help promising students do more. Besides, you didn’t mind when I broke the rules for your son.” Monte, don’t sass Lena. Just don’t do it.

I should have made you resign.

The judge sentences Ty to 18 months. He tells AJ to be good; Mike will take care of him until he’s out. Mike thanks Stef for coming but she tells him that Callie is the one who got her to the courthouse. Stef is all bluster and crank, but she does listen.

Callie gets into a fight with Rita over the bill. They holler at each other for a while, and Callie is acting like an ass, so apparently she’s comfortable enough at home to act like a regular teenager. Dear daughters, please skip the teen years, okay?

KIT KNOCKED IT OUT!

Stef and Lena asked Ana to come over and talk to the twins about their birth dad. Turns out he was dealing drugs when they were teenagers and Ana’s parents flipped out when they found out. They called the cops and had him arrested. She didn’t even know that he was charged for a sex crime. They were dating, they just had a three year age difference. So Gabe isn’t the sex offender everyone imagined.

The moms are good at picking their spots, aren’t they? Last week, Lena waited until the right moment to ask Stef what she could do for her and this week Stef waits until now to be like, “Babe, why are you getting dressed like you’re riding on a school bus to an away game?” Lena didn’t want to make Stef feel bad or weird or uncomfortable. She wanted to anything she could, even getting dressed behind a door, to spare Stef even a second more heartache.

I always get dressed like this.

Ah, Lena, that’s such a Stef thing to do. You don’t make her feel worse, silly. You make her feel better. Stef asks Lena to come put her butt next to her on the bed. She’s got some feeling back in her chest and grabs Lena’s hand to show her just where. Somewhere Pat Robertson is choking on his drink.

She keeps me warm

AJ and Callie are visiting his grandmother’s grave. He hopes she forgives him for missing the funeral to be with Ty. He thinks he messed everything up. Callie assures him that she has done a dozen things in addition to running away to he’s got about eleven more to go before he’s fucked up completely.

Jesus shows up to apologize to Gabe. Gabe tells him to get lost; he’s not Jesus’ father despite being a carpenter and all that.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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