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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.17): The One Where Emily Almost Gets Run Over

Wow, folks, they are really putting Emily through the mill this season. While everyone else is off planning weddings, enjoying fashion montages, and kissing hobos, Emily is egg-robbed and almost run down by a monster truck. The good news is, it can’t get any worse…right?

This looks just like my hotel room from Dinah Shore

We open with Ali, Hanna, and Emily sneaking around Sara’s abandoned hotel room. In addition to smearing coleslaw on the floor and tossing gloves everywhere, Sara has also patched up the giant hole in the closet like she’s some sort of masonry wizard. The Liars are interrupted by the maid service and duck into the closet, narrowly missing the silly-putty face of the maid, who is clearly A in a mask. How is nobody noticing that Rosewood’s service industry now resembles Freddy Krueger?

I’ve got to break out of this closet: lesbian powers, activate!

Over at the Spaleb Love Barn, Caleb has corrupted Veronica’s medical file so her information can’t be leaked. He also knows that Spencer needs protein in addition to her coffee and fingernail habit, and they get busy smooching. Emily walks in and is all “ugh straight people!” before trying to convince Spencer to break into Sara’s Radley hidey-hole. Spencer tells Emily to relax, which is pretty messed up considering A has Emily’s genetic material! Spaleb tells Emily about Melissa’s suitcase, but Emily has to go register for classes at Hollis and try to keep her sanity.

Stop making out, you’re burning my retinas!

Aria and Liam discuss how to handle the whole ghostwriting sitch, and Aria agrees that she has to come clean with Ezra first. Snooze.

A newly unemployed Hanna has decided to help Ella plan her wedding and has brought/stolen a bunch of fancy dresses for her to wear. Apparently Ella’s first wedding to Byron was in a barn, so they’re hoping to class this one up a bit. Little does Ella know that rustic barn weddings are all the rage. She asks Hanna what she’s wearing, but Hanna hasn’t planned her wedding yet because…she isn’t excited about marrying Blanders McHandsomeface?

What are you wearing to your wedding?

My what now?

Emily is at the Bursar’s office, waiting in line, where she meets Damien, the Hollis reporter looking for dirt on Spencer. Of course Emily doesn’t know this, so she’s nice to the creep while he flirts with her. He invites her to an intro to psych lecture, and she agrees to go since Rosewood has seemingly run out of lesbians in her five-year absence.

Back at the Hastings house, Spencer tells her mom she knows about the medical file and wants to know why Veronica kept if from her. Veronica apologizes, and Spencer tells her that as a transparent candidate, she needs to be upfront and honest about her life before someone leaks it for her. Veronica agrees, and tells Spencer she loves her, and they hug, and it’s really sweet. Go Team Responsible Parenting!

Spencer, why do you smell like a Rosewood High air duct?

Meanwhile, Ali and Rollins are hanging out when she gets a text from A taunting her about Charlotte. Between Rollins and Damien and Liam and Jordan, I am having major white dude apathy/face blindness. Can I just call them all Bill or something? Chad?

Aria and Byron are having lunch when Byron asks her to officiate the wedding. At first, Aria is like “NOPE”, but when she finds out that Mike is boycotting the wedding, she softens and agrees to get ordained online. I support this move because I am DYING to see what Aria’s clergy outfit would look like.

Hmm…I would finally have an occasion to wear that hot topic nun costume…

Spaleb finds Melissa and asks her about her broken suitcase. She tells them that it broke during a cab ride through baseball traffic, but Caleb (who apparently has an encyclopediac knowledge of sports now) realizes that there WASN’T baseball game on that day, so Melissa is lying. Remember when Melissa and Jenna and Shana had that anti-Ali club? What ever happened to that? What ever happened to Jenna? What ever happened to this show?!

I would trade a thousand Sara Harveys for one Jenna and half a Shana

Aria comes clean to Ezra about the ghostwriting, and he is not that upset about it. First, he wants to know how Aria’s writing measures up to his and then tells Aria that he can’t be mad because what she did was clearly an act of love to protect him. BARF. She gives him her pages to read.

Hanna brings Ella a nice art deco-style dress, and Ella says that she would need to borrow Emily’s legs to fill it out. Get in line, girl. Aria comes home, and checks with Hanna to make sure she’s okay attending a backyard wedding with Spaleb in tow. Hanna claims to be fine with it, but someone should tell her face.

I’m fine with it *breaks phone with death grip

Over at the DiLaurentis house, Ali and Rollins sit on the porch and drink coffee like they’re in a Folger’s commercial. Ali confesses that she told Charlotte about their affair the night she came home, and she thinks it’s what made Charlotte leave the house and subsequently get murdered. Rollins tells her that, if anyone failed Charlotte, it was him. Agreed, brah.

Hanna comes home to Emily, who is paranoid and panicked about what murder-style shenanigans A will have for her when she goes back to school. Damien Facetimes her about the lecture, and Hanna sort of recognizes his face. Emily opens a package addressed to her, but instead of textbooks she gets a book of baby names and a threat from A that reads “you better start talking before our baby does!”. LOL, that’s not how babies work, A!

How about instead of this wedding, I show you how fast these fingers can really move?

I mean, we’re basically wearing the same outfit, so let’s do the damn thing

Spaleb is at the Brew, watching Veronica come clean in a press conference. Hanna walks in and sees them cuddling on the couch. She is grossed out but tells them that she thinks Melissa might have something to do with the murder. We FLASHBACK to foggy old London-town, where Hanna is in the bathroom at a fashion week event. She bumps into a drunk Melissa, who is bitter and angry. Apparently, Charlotte used her phone privileges to call Wren and share some dirt, causing him to dump Melissa. She snatches Hanna’s phone and drunk dials Radley before Hanna can wrestle the phone away from her and throw it at a mirror. Good work Hanna, you just broke your own phone and a mirror. Also, Melissa uses the term “bloody” like she wasn’t born 50 miles outside of Scranton. Bitch, you are not Madonna, stop playing.

I’d like to order 20 pizzas; the name is Charlotte DiLaurentis…

Great, now nobody’s getting pizza!

Emily is about to grab coffee with Damien when Hanna texts her, telling her that Damien is the shifty reporter. Emily switches their plans to dinner, and I assume we’re gonna get a scene of Emily totally playing this fool. What’s that? Instead of that scene we’re gonna see Ezra meet Liam? GREAT.

Ezra and Liam meet at Radley, and Ezra immediately spills that he and Aria used to bone. Ezra, I would maybe shut the fuck up before that statute of limitations expires. Liam is pissed and storms out of Radley while Aria is left with nothing but Ezra and his rum-filled cornflakes. That’s right, Liam is angry at Aria for being an under-aged stalker victim, and not at Ezra for being a creep. That is some crazy straight white dude logic. Aria apologizes because, well, that’s what society has taught her to do.

Can we get a drink somewhere else? If Ashley Marin sees me, I’m dead

Just order a beer for yourself and slide it over to him. Come on dude, be cool

Hanna is fitting Ella for her wedding dress and tells her that she thinks her re-marriage to Byron is romantic. She’s into the romantic notion of reuniting with first loves, but Ella quickly tells her that Byron wasn’t her first love and that people graduate and grow up and should maybe not marry someone they knew when they were 15. GOOD ADVICE, ELLA, WAY TO PARENT.

Ali texts back A and asks if they are Sara. Rollins sees this and begs her to be with him, asking her to marry him. UGH you know this marriage proposal is bad when not having a ring is the least offensive thing about it. See you kids in divorce court.

I’m just a bag of mayonnaise, standing in front of a girl dressed like a school marm, asking her to love me

Spencer comes home to find Veronica and Melissa in a tizzy. Apparently someone leaked Yvonne’s medical information, revealing that she had an abortion in high school.Since Yvonne’s mom is running on a pro-life platform, this is obviously a big fucking deal.

Meanwhile, Emily drives out to the Two Crows Diner, which is an abandoned shack in the middle of the woods BECAUSE WHERE ELSE WOULD IT BE. Did Emily bring back-up? Nope, but she did ask Hanna to text her wedding pics. Priorities, Em. Suddenly, a big black SUV starts up and chases Emily all around the diner.

Emily’s sleuthing may be lacking, but her lipstick game is ON POINT

We leave this tense scene to jump over to Byron and Ella’s wedding. Aria marries them, and there is much rejoicing. Also, Hanna is wearing a latex/pleather black crop top to their backyard wedding, and I’m not mad about it.

The perfect outfit for when you want to attend your friend’s parents wedding AND an S&M dungeon party

Back to Emily’s near death: she climbs onto the roof of the diner and finds Melissa’s broken luggage rod. She gets her fingerprints all over it and does a few more laps around the compound before dropping the rod. The driver grabs the rod and speeds off, and Emily tries to catch her breath. Dammit, Emily, this is why we have a buddy system!

I spent a week exposed to the elements with only a cheap prom dress. Bring it, bitch!

Back at the Spaleb Love Barn, Veronica storms in. The leak has been traced to Spencer’s laptop, and Veronica is livid. Caleb takes the fall for the hack, and Veronica fires him and banishes him from the barn. Spencer is heartbroken, but Caleb assures her there are plenty of air vents/porches he can sleep under.

We can’t kick him out, Mom; we’re using his HBO Go password!

Liam shows up at the wedding, and he and Aria reconcile. Hanna goes home, tries on a veil, and calls Jordan: she’s ready to set a wedding date.

Emily comes home and tells Hanna about her brush with death. If Sara wants to know who murdered Charlotte, then someone else is trying to cover it up. They conclude that there must be at least two people after them, which means that there is probably like, 87 people after them actually.

Liam and Aria are cuddling on the couch, when Rollins and a drunk Ali show up, begging Aria to marry them. All aboard the bad idea train!

We’re looking for a third, you game?

We see A in their lair, programming a universal remote and nomming on some wedding cake. What kind of maniacal asshole steals wedding cake?

Tune in next week, when Mona returns and giant fireball engulfs us all.

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