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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.18): Sick Burn, Aria

Last night on Pretty Little Liars, Aria was turned into a human s’more. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We open with Hanna and Emily helping Aria clean up after her parents’ wedding. Aria ended up marrying Rollins and Ali, which is a sound decision that will surely have no adverse repercussions. Hanna eats leftover cake while Emily stews over Melissa.

Hanna claims to be okay with Spaleb, but she’s eating day-old cake and wearing a “Designing Women” sweater

When Aria goes through the photos she took, she finds a series of pics from A, threatening her to come up with the killer by election night or they’ll all lose! DUN DUN DUN. Again, I feel like this A would be much more efficient if they put their omnipresent resources towards finding Charlotte’s killer, as opposed to outsourcing it to the Liars who, frankly, are the worst detectives on the planet. This new A is garbage, is what I’m saying.

How to make those bitches know I’m serious…underline the “you.” YES, NAILED IT!

Anyhoo, Spencer is busy being read the riot act by her dad, who finally decides to show the fuck up for his wife’s election. He tells her to dump Caleb and distance herself from the scandal. Also, Spencer is wearing this crazy patterned suit that legit makes her look like a Heather. All she needs is a croquet mallet, and she’s good to go. While her dad talks, Spencer flashes back to her dorm room, where she and Toby are sitting sadly together. I think we’re getting the Spoby breakup story, y’all.

great pâté, but I better motor if I’m gonna make it to this funeral on time

Meanwhile, Ashley is throwing Hanna a bridal shower, and Hanna is the opposite of excited. Ali can’t come, and when Ashley suggests she invite Mona, Hanna rolls her eyes. Basically, Ashley is trying to make the best of things, but Hanna’s not having it.

What if the party theme was “bitch on the loose”?

Aria and Ezra meet up to talk about the book, and Ezra reveals that he’s pitched Aria as a co-author…without asking Aria of course. Aria isn’t pissed and is extremely flattered. These two dummies are made for each other.

Spencer tells the Liars that Melissa has scuttled back to London for work, but more importantly, Ashley has PINK DRINKS on the party menu bc this show loves lesbian in-jokes. Before Emily can get excited about her signature beverage, she hears the same whistle-y car sound from the SUV that nearly ran her over. Follow that car sound, Em!

When I was a bartender, pink drinks were my specialty.

Over at Radley, Ashley is pinking up all the drinks when she sees Caleb trying to get a room. Apparently every hotel room in Rosewood is booked (murder convention?) so she offers Caleb her guest room, proving that she is the #1 Haleb shipper.

Emily runs into Ezra at the Brew, and they both hear the space car sound. Ezra tells her that it’s a whistle tip, an attachment to the muffler that makes your car sound ominous. While the other Liars are planning weddings, writing books, and running campaigns, Emily is literally chasing cars.

Goddamn my storyline this season is rough

Over at Spencer’s house, it’s time for the Bro-Down Show-Down! Toby storms in with his angry face, furious with Caleb for leaking Yvonne’s abortion story. Instead of telling his best friend the truth, Caleb keeps the lie going and gets punched in the face. So many man feelings!

I GOT YOU INTO A REMINGTON PARTY!

Teenage suicide, don’t do it!

Over at Lucas’s space loft, Emily, Hanna, and Ashley are decorating for the bridal shower by stapling white poufs to the ceiling, like you do. Ashley is stymied by Lucas’s iPad-controlled loft, because parents and technology. Hanna is miffed that her mom offered a room to Caleb, and gives her shit for preferring Caleb to Jordan. Ashley is pissed because she hasn’t even gotten the chance to know Jordan, and poor Emily sneaks out to avoid the Marin drama. I feel like this entire season has been Emily awkwardly excusing herself from rooms. She’s basically become a one woman Homer Simpson GIF:

Spencer patches up Caleb’s face, and they make out. Ugh guys, just tell Toby what happened. It’s not like he’s unfamiliar with the A games! Aria and Liam have lunch at Radley, and she tells him about co-authoring the book. He’s excited for her and not at all threatened by the prospect of his girlfriend spending hours alone with her ex. Interesting play, Liam.

Cheers to healthy choices!

Spencer runs into Mona at the Brew, and Mona is pissed y’all. She tried helping Spencer by slipping her Yvonne’s phone, but the whole thing has backfired and now Mona has been fired from the campaign. She also claims to have lost her credibility, as if that was something she had. Mona, you are a myriad of things, but credible ain’t one of them!

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling!

Aria and Ezra are writing together, and it’s a love fest, and they keep complimenting each other’s work, and I keep throwing up in my mouth. I can’t with these two, you guys. I just can’t. Luckily, Tanner swings by to break up the gross-fest and haul Aria down to the station for a line-up. Apparently a witness saw a tiny brunette at the Two Crows diner making the phone call to Charlotte, so Aria is going downtown. We then see Aria in a police line-up of knock-off Arias.

Hmm…plaid shirts and vests? Are we sure this isn’t an Emily line-up?

Emily goes to the Rosewood garage, which seems to be a joint operation run by ZZ Top and the Sons of Anarchy. She tries asking them about whistle tips, but they tell her to scram. That’s no way to run a business, fellas. Emily sneaks around back and finds the terror SUV hidden under a tarp. The mechanic catches her, and Emily shows them a photo of Melissa. The Mechanic says it isn’t her and shooes her away.

Rel talk: is this mechanic a lesbian? I rewound the scene twice and still couldn’t tell

Aria leaves the police station and hides in the bushes, where she spies Sara Fucking Harvey leaving the precinct. Aria walks back into Tanner’s office and demands to know why Tanner is taking tips from Sara, and not from the girl she rescued from a psycho’s bunker five years ago. Tanner assures her that she takes her work seriously, and doesn’t act on accusations right away, which is why Aria is free. Aria spills coffee on her reports and peeps the witness statement which describes an “attractive brunette with a pink dice keychain” as the caller.

It’s Hanna’s bridal shower, but she’s too consumed with A drama to mingle with any of the guests that aren’t Liars. Ashley is doing her best with tiny sandwiches, drinks, and ice breakers, but Hanna’s shitting all over her party.

Emily is all of us suffering through an extremely hetero party

Spencer is on her way to the shower when she’s confronted by her dad, who is still pissed that she hasn’t broken things off with Caleb. He tries to lecture her on family values, and Spencer is like BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS and calls him out for protecting Melissa. Her dad reveals that Melissa left town because she was being blackmailed: someone claimed to leak her Bethany confession tape unless she paid up.

Spencer tells the Liars about the blackmail at the shower, which bolsters their theory that two separate people are after them. Mona crashes the shower with a gift for Hanna: a wedding book that they made together in middle school. It’s supposed to be about their dream celebrity weddings, but let’s be real, it’s a VanderMarin shipper tome.

At this point, Marlene is just straight up fucking with us, right?

Hanna begrudgingly invites Mona in, and the partygoers play an awkward round of 21 questions, where no one seems to know anything about Jordan or how he and Hanna met. Hanna tries to turn it into a drinking game, but the iPad malfunctions and the space loft goes haywire. The lights go out, heavy metal music blares, and the A/C is turned up. A fireball shoots out of the fireplace, and poor Aria is singed to a crisp.

IT’S A FIRE…SALE!

South Coast Boutique is having a fire sale?!

Aria ends up in the hospital with second-degree burns, and Spencer rushes off to meet up with Toby. We FLASHBACK again to them in the dorm room. They’re waiting on the results of a pregnancy test. They argue about what they’d do with a baby, and it becomes a larger argument about the different paths they’re on as people. Toby hears that he’s not good enough for Spencer, when Spencer is in fact just saying that she doesn’t want to turn her dorm room into a nursery. It ends up being a false alarm, but it’s the death knell of Spoby.

We flash forward, and Spencer finally tells Toby that Caleb is innocent, and there’s a new A on the scene. She wants Toby to know that, given their history, she would never judge or shame Yvonne and neither would Caleb. Just when it seems like a serious moment, A texts the Liars about lighting a fire under their ass with a fucking flame emoji, and the moment is ruined.

And by “your ass” I mean Aria. Aria is the butt of your group, is what I’m saying.

Ezra visits Aria in the hospital and brings her fashion magazines and gummi bears, She almost tells him about A but decides not to. Hanna and Ashley sit in the waiting room, and Hanna apologizes for being a pill at her party. She admits that she hasn’t really included Jordan in her life. Ashley asks why Hanna froze out Mona, which leads me to believe she never found out about Mona running her daughter over with an SUV.

In what may be the most romantic Ezria moment of all time, Ezra reads aloud a magazine article about bold prints to Aria. It’s literally all she ever wanted. Before the love fest can continue, Liam rushes in, and Ezra makes an awkward exit.

I think I hear a whistle tip, better go investigate!

Spencer calls Yvonne and offers her support and apologies for the leak. Mona and Emily throw out the burnt bridal gifts and Mona retrieves her toasted wedding book from the pile. She says that everything she touches turns to trash, and offers Emily a ride home. Emily sees Mona’s pink dice keys and demands to know if she was the one who called Charlotte. Mona is like, “Get in the car; I’ll explain.”

What happens to a lesbian wedding dream deferred?

Shot in the dark here, but do you wanna finish off those pink drinks and get weird?

Thought you’d never ask.

Back at the garage, the creepy mechanic wipes paint off the SUV and pulls an envelope of cash out from underneath the hood.

That’s it for this week, tune in next time when Rollins pushes Ali down the stairs. Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screencaps!

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