“The Fosters” recap (3.17): 525,600 minutes

Previously on The Fosters, Connor moved to L.A. to live with his mom; Jesus found his birth father, was disappointed by him being a sex offender, then found out he was on the list for having sex with Ana, and decided getting schnockered was the way to deal with it; Monte helped Sally get the plants for her senior project, mentored Sally for her senior project, and then Sally told Lena that Monte kissed her.

Around the breakfast table Jesus is bitching about not getting to have separate birthday parties, Jude has a train ticket to L.A. to see Connor, and Lena has to get to school early for a meeting.

Fosters 3171The kids are having sex, but at least we get this peck.

Jesus is pissed because Mariana wants a dance party and he just wants to eat pizza and skateboard with his bros. Nick offers that they can use the warehouse and Brandon pitches a fit. Leave it to Brandon to make the twins’ birthday about him. Jude gets a text, but Jesus grabs his phone and—whoopsie!—looks like Connor is sending Jude inappropriate pictures. That sound you hear is me furiously praying my children take their time becoming teenagers.

Brandon doesn’t want Callie bringing AJ to the party because he saw them kissing and realized that AJ is a million times better than he is and it sucks to be reminded that you are a privileged asshole. Okay, he doesn’t say that, but that’s what I’m thinking.  Callie points out that they are going to have to see each other dating people eventually, and he is like, “Yeah, I suppose but I really want to make this party about me, so can you just leave AJ out of it?” #ThatsSoBrandon

Fosters 3172This isn’t Rosewood. We actually take this shit seriously.

Lena is telling Monte about Sally’s accusation. She says, “Please tell me you didn’t kiss a student because I have a billion things on my plate, and I really don’t need this shit, too.” Monte says Sally tried to kiss her and rather than report it to the school board, Monte decided not to tell anyone because, well it’s pretty embarrassing to kiss someone and have them reject you.” Monte, come on, you have to know that this is not the same as you kissing Lena. She’s a student! The point is moot because Sally told her parents and they are going to have to deal with this. Lena, remember the good old days when your wife had cancer, and everything was so much simpler?