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“The Fosters” recap (3.17): 525,600 minutes

Previously on The Fosters, Connor moved to L.A. to live with his mom; Jesus found his birth father, was disappointed by him being a sex offender, then found out he was on the list for having sex with Ana, and decided getting schnockered was the way to deal with it; Monte helped Sally get the plants for her senior project, mentored Sally for her senior project, and then Sally told Lena that Monte kissed her.

Around the breakfast table Jesus is bitching about not getting to have separate birthday parties, Jude has a train ticket to L.A. to see Connor, and Lena has to get to school early for a meeting.

The kids are having sex, but at least we get this peck.

Jesus is pissed because Mariana wants a dance party and he just wants to eat pizza and skateboard with his bros. Nick offers that they can use the warehouse and Brandon pitches a fit. Leave it to Brandon to make the twins’ birthday about him. Jude gets a text, but Jesus grabs his phone and-whoopsie!-looks like Connor is sending Jude inappropriate pictures. That sound you hear is me furiously praying my children take their time becoming teenagers.

Brandon doesn’t want Callie bringing AJ to the party because he saw them kissing and realized that AJ is a million times better than he is and it sucks to be reminded that you are a privileged asshole. Okay, he doesn’t say that, but that’s what I’m thinking. Callie points out that they are going to have to see each other dating people eventually, and he is like, “Yeah, I suppose but I really want to make this party about me, so can you just leave AJ out of it?” #ThatsSoBrandon

This isn’t Rosewood. We actually take this shit seriously.

Lena is telling Monte about Sally’s accusation. She says, “Please tell me you didn’t kiss a student because I have a billion things on my plate, and I really don’t need this shit, too.” Monte says Sally tried to kiss her and rather than report it to the school board, Monte decided not to tell anyone because, well it’s pretty embarrassing to kiss someone and have them reject you.” Monte, come on, you have to know that this is not the same as you kissing Lena. She’s a student! The point is moot because Sally told her parents and they are going to have to deal with this. Lena, remember the good old days when your wife had cancer, and everything was so much simpler?

Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about it with literally anyone other than Jesus. Jude has questions about sex and Jesus says, “Check out some porn, have some personal time, you’ll be fine.” That is the worst advice. At least point him to Burt Hummel’s talk with Kurt.

Mariana and Ana are talking to Ana’s mom about supporting a petition to get Gabe off the sex offender registry. Abuela isn’t having it, but Mariana is persuasive and tenacious. If they hadn’t given Ana a second chance, they wouldn’t all be sitting where they are.

Callie and AJ are making out when she pops up and does her best to dissuade him from coming to the party. It’s going to be lame, okay? He’s not buying and it he wants to dance with somebody.

#BooRadleyVanNOPE

Jude is doing a little Googling about sex. Turns out there are few more hits than he was looking for. He clicks on some gay porn and practically chucks his computer across the room.

Brandon and Cortney are making out in the car during her break. He wants to take her on a proper date (or be able to get busy somewhere more comfortable). She makes some lame excuses about not being able to be at her place because it’s messy (as in she still lives with her ex). He comes up with a plan to sneak away from the twins’ party so they can be alone at the house. Brandon, help me, help you. Seriously.

The moms are in bed, talking about Monte. You two are really never going to have sex again, are you? Stef thinks Monte is showing some pretty classic predator behavior. Jude interrupts this cheerful discussion to ask if they can get their money back on the train ticket. He watched the porn and maybe never wants to be in the same room with Connor again. He offers to do chores to pay them back, securing his place as the best man in the house.

Don’t worry, I don’t have the Chaiken kind of cancer.

Lena is talking to Sally and her parents. Sally’s parents want Monte fired, sent to Siberia, and possibly tarred and feathered on the way. But they refuse to have Sally testify about what happened in front of the school board. Monte is a “self-professed bisexual” so A) of course she tried to kiss Sally and B) of course she’s an untrustworthy sexual predator. Ugh. Sally has a boyfriend, so it’s absurd to imagine that she tried to kiss Monte. Also girl kisses, ew. Sally’s parents are kind of assholes (however, if I thought some adult tried to kiss my kid I would probably be a lot crazier). Lena lets them know that she can’t do a damn thing if Sally won’t testify.

Ryan Murphy taught me everything I need to know about bisexuals

Mariana and Ana show up at Gabe’s house because they have no boundaries, and the law holds no meaning for them. They’re outlaws or something. Mariana has a plan and gives Gabe the form to fill out to get on the list and she will give him the letters of support from her grandparents and-voila!-everything will be perfect. Yeah, Gabe, you’ve just experienced the full Mariana. You’ll get used to it. Mariana bounces out to go to her birthday party, but Ana stays behind. Gabe offers her a beer. Noooooooo!

Steve Sanders really went all out for the party. It doesn’t look like something he threw together in a day. Brandon sulks in the corner when he sees AJ show up. Sally arrives (Mariana invited her because she needs to the cool girl contingent to make her party a success, duh) and Stef notes that Monte sure does have a type.

No one’s home, wanna go fool around?

Callie and Jesus are having their first conversation in a year. That’s right’s it’s only been a year since the quinceanera. As a recap, Stef got shot, the moms got married, Lena got pregnant and carried for 20 whole weeks, Stef got cancer, Callie ran away, spent time at Girls United, GU burned down, they went through all kinds of adoption drama, and much, much more all in a year. Go home timeline, you’re drunk. Jesus might have a clue why Jude didn’t want to go to L.A. He fills Callie in on his most excellent sex ed conversation with Jude.

The boys decide that dancing with girls seems more fun that playing with their half pipes. In the midst of the dancing, Lena notices that Sally sure likes dancing with other girls. Maybe she likes softball, too?

Stef is eating a cupcake outside when Victor walks out to tell her she’s done a good job with the twins but maybe helping Gabe get off the registry isn’t a good plan. Stef is like, “Who is helping Gabe?” Sonofabitch! Can’t a lady just have a damn cupcake without it getting ruined?

You ruined my cupcake, prepare to die.

Callie has watched Burt Hummel’s speech on sex, and she is doing a great job talking to Jude. She lets him know she didn’t like porn, that it seemed too impersonal. It’s okay not to want to have sex or not to be sure about it. Jude gets suspicious and wants to know if Jesus told her anything. Nope, she has never spoken to Jesus. It’s funny and sweet and a good reminder of what’s missing with this show when the Judicorn is Out of Town for weeks at a time.

I just don’t feel like dancing since Lexa.

Brandon ditches the party to meet Cortney, and AJ suggests that he and Callie could go back to her house, too. They leave to have an awkward run-in with Brandon and Lena spots Sally. Sally’s gonna go home and write her paper that’s due in four days. Either she’s dedicated, or she has demanding parents. Lena says it’s okay for her to be herself and to be proud no matter what her parents want.

Don’t you love how everyone believes you when you’re a woman of color?

Okay, obviously in a vacuum the notion that you have a right not to be ashamed of yourself is something I agree with wholeheartedly. However, this scene bugged me because Lena has made the jump from Sally dancing with a girl to discovering that Monte is bi because she was on a dating site looking for women to date, to lying about Monte trying to kiss her.

Here’s the thing: Sally might be lying. She might have tried to kiss Monte and then lied about it because it was just so humiliating. But you know what else is possible? Sally is bisexual (or gay), and Monte did try to kiss her. I hated this storyline from the start because it either makes Monte some kind of bisexual predator which is a trope we have had a million times before or it makes Sally a girl lying about her principal kissing her. No good can come of this. Perpetuating either the notion that women lie about nonconsensual sexual encounters is harmful just as the notion that bisexual women are predators. I think they did an okay job of walking a very thin line. But at the end of it all, we still have Lena assuming Sally is lying without Sally telling her that she did. When do girls get to be believed?

Ana shows up to the party late and either drunk or high. Stef finds a grumpy Jesus and wants to talk to him about Gabe. When he was little, he wanted to know if Stef and Lena could marry a man. He didn’t know why, he didn’t know what he might want from a dad, but now maybe he would like to find out. Stef understands and just wants to be sure that Jesus feels loved enough to deal with this trainwreck better than he has been. Mariana interrupts them to mention that Ana is high. All Stef wanted was one goddamn cupcake!

Back at the house, Brandon is explaining with charts and diagrams how many people live there, how they are related, and how many of them he’s had sex with. Cortney thinks it sounds amazing. Try sharing a bathroom with a hundred people, lady. Callie and AJ get home and head upstairs (but not to have sex because he’s not a “slut”).

At the party, Ana is pissed at her parents for sending Gabe to prison. If they hadn’t, she would still have the twins, and she would be happy. Oh dear. Stef and Jesus take Ana home. Mariana thinks it’s her fault. Oh, tiny teenager, it’s not your fault that she chose to use.

Callie hears a crash and goes to investigate. She promises to protect AJ from the boogeyman downstairs. It’s Brandon, of course. The next few minutes are a blur of awkwardness as Callie meets Cortney and AJ meets Cortney. AJ realizes that Callie and Brandon are super weird for siblings. Cortney also saw it and calls Brandon out. Secrets don’t stay secret around here for more than a few episodes.

Gabe drops by with a present for each of the twins. Maybe he does want to be part of their life after all.

Lexi came back from Honduras so never say never?

Jude and Connor are Skyping. Oh, these two sweet faces! This is the end for them. They break up because they are 13 and it’s too hard to be apart. They are sad, and I’m sad for them and for us. Jonnor was a shining piece of this show. They moved slowly, at a pace that makes sense for kids just figuring things out and not at the speed dictated by pop culture and storylines. I loved them together, and I know they will continue to offer hope to kids who stumble across this show and luck into seeing themselves on the screen.

Just a few more and we’ll have the house to ourselves again.

The twins open their presents in the kitchen. Stef wonders where the time has gone and how it got late so soon. If this is all the stuff you guys cram into a year, I don’t know if you’ll all make it to 17.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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