Archive

“Once Upon A Time” SnapCap (5.14): The River of Lost Character Development

Guys. Guyyyys. This episode was baaaad. What is happening to this show? The Quinn Fabray effect is taking over! So many badass, independent women are fading into the background, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know this started a long time ago, but I feel like the back half of this season features a dramatic drop-off. Maybe my eyes are just open; I don’t know.

Anyway, let’s get into it.

Synopsis

Okay, so we’re still in hell. Hooks is still refusing to choose three of his friends to replace the three souls they saved, so Hades sentences him to solitary confinement, which is basically where he was before since this show reduced Megara to a whimpering fool.

Meanwhile, Gold goes to his shop and builds a crystal ball and asks it a secret question. When he sees Belle in it, he drops it in shock. At first, I thought he was worried that Belle was on a date with Grumpy, or that she dared smile when he wasn’t around, but it was something worse don’t worry. We’ll get to that later.

Gold goes to Team Charming, tells them that their plans to storm the castle are stupid and says all they need to do is borrow someone’s aura. So they’re going to borrow Milah’s. Milah is a crossing guard down in the underworld and is willing to help Emma save Killian even though she has now dated her son and her ex-boyfriend.

Flash back to a time when Rumple was a wimpy fella and his wife Milah hated everything about his existence except for the fact that he was the father of her child.

Milah is yelling at Rumple for being useless when Baelfire gets bitten by a snake. They find a healer to help, but the potion will cost a hundred gold pieces, which they obviously can’t pay. Milah gives Rumple a knife and tells him to man up and go steal the potion, giving him a kiss to encourage him. After he leaves, a drunk guy starts bugging her, and eyeliner-clad Captain Killian Jones saves the day. He charms her and asks her to leave with him, but she says she has responsibilities, a son, and a husband. The first two things didn’t mean things to him but a man! Of course! He can’t argue with that! *rolls eyes*

Let’s check on Regina: She goes to the diner looking for the blind witch but finds Cruella instead. She teases Regina for not being able to figure out her magic yet, saying magic is different down here.

Regina has questions about the graveyard in Underbrooke (which…I’m not going to help them make Underbrooke happen, sorry) and Cruella has the answers since she’s the new mayor.

The graveyard works like this: Normal headstone means they’re wandering around the Underworld, tipped over headstone means they’ve moved on to a better place, cracked headstone means they’re doomed for all eternity.

Milah, Emma, and Gold go to Hades’ lair, and Milah is going to leave, but then Emma tells her that Baelfire is in a better place, so she decides to help Emma out. Gold laughs and says Killian won’t choose Milah over Emma, but Milah snaps that not all decisions women make are about men. She just wants to counteract some of her former selfishness by helping Emma. So they grab the Boat of Convenience and go across the River of Lost Souls. When they reach the shore, only Emma will be going forward, while Rumple stays in the boat and Milah stays to make sure he doesn’t steal the boat.

Emma walks a beam toward Hook to save him and does. It’s very anticlimactic.

Regina goes to find Daniel’s grave and finds it tipped over, meaning he’s in a better place. So she says her goodbyes.

On her way back to the diner, Regina sees an injured horse and her impulse to heal it brings her magic back. She instantly makes a fireball to prove it, which delights her greatly.

Flashback Rumple goes to kill the healer but can’t bring himself to do it, so instead makes his very first deal. When he proudly returns to Milah, he reveals that his deal was that he promised the healer their second born son. Which is perfect, since they don’t have one! But Milah points out that he made a decision about her body like some kind of politician from the 21st century and is rightfully pissed.

And in the present-day Underworld, as part of a deal with Hades, Rumple burns the boat and pushes Milah into the River of Lost Souls. Making a final decision about her body for her.

At the diner, everyone is reunited, and no one knows it was Rumple and not Hades that burned their boat and double-killed Milah. Regina’s ready to do the heart-split, so Regina tries to grab Emma’s chest. But alas, it doesn’t work.

They go to the graveyard and see that Hades chose the three names for Hook, and of course, it’s the only three women on Team Storybrooke. So they’re stuck.

When Rumple goes to collect on his deal with Hades, the healer he eventually did kill to get out of his deal is there, and is ready to take Belle’s unborn child, because Rumple’s decision didn’t only affect Milah’s body, but Belle’s too.

SwanQueen Screen Time: 0

The two were separated for most of the episode, and whenever they were together, literally everyone else was there, too.

SwanQueen Sound Bytes: 2

They sort of talked directly to each other during the heart splitting scene, and Regina couldn’t take her eyes of Emma’s chest after she said, “Do it.”

And at the end, Emma asks what their gravestones mean and Regina answers, saying it means they’re stuck in hell.

Dumbest thing one of the Two Idiots did:

I feel like it was dumb for Snow to go with Regina, but I guess it’s a sign that they’ve moved on and are real friends now? Other than that, the Two idiots weren’t in the episode much, which is probably for the best.

Special Guests

We got to see Belle’s face, which was nice.

Milah was there, as mentioned.

And Cruella, of course.

New Characters

Just this horse, who is all of us.

And I guess the healer, but he’s just a puppet for Hades.

Best Emma Face

When Milah was given the Alice Pieszecki-style breakdown of Emma’s relationships and realized that Milah is Emma’s son’s grandmother but also Emma is dating her ex-boyfriend, she made this face:

Which made Emma make a very Emma face:

Sassgina

It wasn’t really sassy, but the gleam in Regina’s eyes when she said, “I’m back,” after making her first Underworld fireball was pretty fantastic.

Most Meta Thing of the Episode

When Regina reached for Emma’s heart, something blocked her way.

Mulan sightings

No Mulan, no Ruby, no Merida, none of the things that made “The Bear King” one of the best episodes of this show in years.

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

What did you think of “Devil’s Due”? Why do the previews make it sound like Killian and his brother will save the day instead of Emma and/or Regina? Who will sa-a-ave our souls?

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button