“The Fosters” (3.19) recap: Sliding doors

Previously on The Fosters, Mat and Mariana are dating other people and covering their feelings for each other by singing power ballads as they gaze into each other’s eyes on stage, and sniping at each other off stage. Brandon is in full-on artistic tyrant mode as he says “R and J” 40 times per episode and generally makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Jude and Connor broke up because it’s hard to be a 13-year-old gay boy in a long distance relationship (but, you know, not as hard as being a queer lady on TV and actually living through a full season). Stef cut her hair short and got busy with Lena (you know, off-screen because double standards), Gabe got arrested, and Callie figured out (finally!) that Justina is a shady motherfucker.

Hello and welcome to this musical episode of Glee, er, The Fosters. This week the backdrop for everything is Brandon’s musical production of teen angst, love, loss, and eyeliner. That’s right the entire episode is dedicated to teenagers running around a stage, dancing, singing, fighting, loving, the way that we liiiiiive. The episode is a recapper’s nightmare with scenes of actual plot cut in with Brandon’s musical. So, in order to save us all some time and to save me from losing my damn mind, I’m going to recap the actual action and leave out the musical bits. Suffice it to say that Romeo and Juliet sing, kiss, knife fight, and die.

Fosters 3191Another one! Why did I set a Google alert for dead lesbians?

The show is about to begin, and all the Adams Fosters (and Fosters and Gutiérrezes) are in place, except for Jesus, who heard Good Friday was coming and decided to skedaddle for a few days. He’ll be back Sunday, don’t worry. Well, they are all there except for Stef. Stefanie, Stefanie, wherefore art thou, Stefanie? She’s working. It’s a domestic violence call and through some evil twit of the universe, the call is from the house where Jude and Callie lived before they came to Chez Adams Foster. Well, it’s the place Jude came from, Callie has at least a few more stops in juvie, Girls United, etc. before finally settling in. Anyway, seeing the house is giving Stef some feelings (and not the kind of feelings her haircut is giving us).

Fosters 3192Bulletproof vest? Check. I’m a lesbian on TV; I’m not stupid.

Brandon has girl problems, per usual. Cortney isn’t thrilled that he’s hung up on Callie and kind of a dick to some random lady who thought he might be Mason’s dad. Cortney still comes to the show and gives Brandon animal crackers, which I know is a reference to the song but also accurately captures Brandon’s maturity.

Zoe spends the whole play working out her insecurities by being a bitch to Mariana about Mat. They had sex, and it was great and brought them to a whole other level of connectedness. Mariana, meanwhile tells Mat that she loves him. Then why didn’t she respond to the note he left in her bag professing his love? Well, she never got it because Nick stole the note. Oh, Nick, you were never more than a warehouse to her. Buh-bye, Steve Sanders. Can’t say we’ll miss you.

In arguably the only part of the episode that passes the Bechdel test, Mariana tells Callie that the play is stupid. All of this bad stuff could have been solved if only the two stupid teenagers had told their parents. Callie skips off to tell Brandon that they should tell the moms that they are in love. That sound you heard was me screeching to the heavens in hopes that this goddamn storyline will just die already. Kill Brallie, kill it dead, bury it, and salt the earth. Brandon grabs her hand and says, yeah let’s tell them; let’s tell them right this minute! Callie comes to her senses. It’s too late. It was too late 10 episodes ago and the 10 before that. I beg of you, just make it stop.