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“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.3): Assuming Makes an Ass…

Overcrowding has turned custodial into an endless task and Lorna has forever glued James Franco to the myth of Sisyphus when she and Suzanne mix background references on self-inflicted sacrifices. Something wild must have sparked Lorna’s obsessive notions about marriage and fidelity-I suspect that will be a flashback later.

Taystee is called to the Warden’s office and instead of what everyone assumed was punishment, she’s given a sick promotion. Answering phones and filing instead of mopping the hallway for eternity. This is definitely a security issue though Taystee assures Caputo that she is not going full Shawshank.

Lolli is concerned about Judy King’s personal Litchfield tour in the garden. Vause counters with a calming method of handling the situation and gives her a healing mantra. While it’s full of truth-knowing a body is in the garden, of a prison-she’s kind of right to be freaking the hell out.

Healy is making creepy fertilizing jokes in the garden, and Red’s jealousy is showing. The Russian matriarch asserts her dominance, but King shouldn’t be underestimated in the ways of the tongue.

Piper is playing baby mafia but she’s only got her oft-reluctant roommate, and her weakness is showing. It amplifies when a couple of her employees become former. Piper is textbook, and it would be hilarious were she not entirely serious.

Poussey defies every soft butch/stem stereotype by being the worst basketball player ever. Butch Daddy Boo and the other masculine of center women kick the tiny queers off the court, and it’s just like high school except I have a sick jump shot. Label talk is interesting when both people are on different levels of understanding as far as self-identity. Do NOT ever in your life; use the n-word or any variation of it when speaking with or about your Black partner if you are not Black. Poussey is a pacifist, and her reaction is very mild. Her adorable spikes when she loses it in front of her idol Judy King.

Soso the activist gets a flashback to her days as a young petitioner getting door-to-door lessons. Her very gross ex-boyfriend is every creepy guy on the Internet. He challenges her to petition a registered sex offender after comparing her to a young Asian boy, sounding like the comment section on YouTube.

Caputo is really going wear this suit as much as possible, for $1100 I don’t blame him, though I hope he knows to get it cleaned occasionally. He looks like the type to forget a thing like that. This is vaguely reminiscent of Hillary making that “colored people” time joke-given the recent photo of the writers’ room, that is. Taystee reminds him that he’s a boss and the meeting don’t start till he walks in.

Piscatella has some authority issues. Pulling new CO’s specifically with armed forces backgrounds is an interesting shift from the mostly incompetent former staff pre-walkout. Does the criminal justice system really allow the incarcerated to build things like this with little to no instruction? Caputo is doing that creepy thing again, which is generally his life.

Doggett reveals her house was once decorated with x-rays on the walls. Honestly, that’s such a good idea for Halloween decorations; a different level of self-portraiture. Luschek should really know their names by now; I’m sure Gina doesn’t like the constant reminders of her incident.

Can we all just imagine standing in this phone line having to hear Lorna give her husband phone sex? Of course Vinny lives at home in a room with his brother-this is Orange is The New Black. All the men have some grand flaw defining their character. Who else is writing prisoners and marrying them shortly after? For a second I thought Morello’s worry of infidelity might’ve been true. On the flip side, Flaca has added something to her kink list, nice.

Red and Vause are having boundary issues as Judy King surveys the garden unaware that their woes are for two opposing reasons. Soso is trying to play good girlfriend and approaches the tv chef with a proposition. It’s interesting that she knows not to use the R-word when referring to mentally challenged people but let the n-word fly right out of her mouth, one that King herself is staunchly against despite being southern. Things continue to hit the fan when Soso equates Poussey’s nerves about celebrity encounters with institutional racism. Let the massive melee of misunderstanding begin. It’s even got a fancy hashtag to go with it: #TheOther1Percent RT!

Our brave hero Soso knocks on the door of the registered sex offenders’ house and earns entry to his isolated lair. Has anyone ever beat WalMart in a legal battle? She is truly a wordsmith in the art of crafting a conversation with a small bit of insight. She also finds the part of the conversation people don’t want to have and brings it right to the forefront. Don’t have sex on the beach, not just because of this man’s tragic story, but because it’s never as sexy as you think it will be. He signs her petition on account of WalMart being the big bully it is and their likelihood of winning this minor disagreement.

Transferring calls on ancient phones is a task for the patient. Doesn’t help that Caputo literally just sat her at the desk and declared her a secretary. Taystee and her less than satisfactory phone messaging get Caputo’s hopes up about one of MCC’s higher ups, Linda. That handlebar mustache is just so irresistible, gag me.

Healy and Red argue like a couple married for 40 years while he guards the restroom for inmate King. R-e-s-p-e-c-t is what Red wants and for him to stop punishing her for ending their complicated relationship. He assures her that his behavior is unrelated, though we all know that’s just a teensy little lie. Judy King is living the ultimate prison life; white-collar crime smells of sweet privilege.

Ruiz and her gang of new Dominican inmates block Piper in her bunk but instead of a fight they come with an offer of employment in her panty business. Seeing Piper square off with her gangster act against someone in prison for the actual action is comical. Her decision to turn them down due to Ruiz’s lack of discretion was probably a bad choice given her dwindling employee base. Prison Pussy Panty Business; say that five times fast while swinging your Vicky Secrets over your head. Ruiz isn’t one to mess with now that her numbers have drastically increased with the additional inmates.

The Black girls are listing the worst offenses to happen at Litchfield. By the way, how is No Pornstache doing over in the men’s prison? Suzanne is making prison exclusive Buzzfeed lists on the matter. Soso juxtaposes women’s rights and secretarial work being demeaning with Suzanne’s appraisal of desk sitting over the prized janitorial team. There are perks to being Caputo’s secretary, though not as cushy as the girls would like. Taystee assures us that she’s like the hand to Caputo’s seat on the Iron Throne and Poussey’s reminds her that no one lives too long in that role. Does Litchfield have the books in the library or are they getting premium cable in minimum-security prison? (Waits for someone to align all the inmates with their appropriate Game Of Thrones houses.)

Judy King waves Poussey over to her table, and Soso reveals her grand plan to have them finally meet thus solidifying her status as the best prison girlfriend. Hope you’re keeping an awkward meter because it cranks past the limit here. Poussey’s got an adorable case of word vomit now that she’s actually in the presence of her tv idol. She seems to know a lot about her lover’s life prior to prison, though in her wording it’s misinterpreted due to Soso’s inaccurate prep talk. Calling someone a “child of a crack whore,” true or otherwise is never appropriate dinner conversation. Poussey lays out her cards in the table abolishing countless stereotypes to the shadow realm. When meeting your celebrity favorite goes wrong. Keen reminder to talk out your life story with potential lovers, especially in a place like prison where you’ve got nothing but time. The first rip in the fabric of Pousoso is a deep one.

Protest Barbie Brooke wins the bet with her Mountain Dew-scented ex-boyfriend securing her $50 and a date with the taller pubescent Justin Beiber. She lies about what earned her registered sex offender his status; she gains a few cool experience points, some respect from her prospective new boo and a huge helping of jealousy from her greasy ex-beau. Mission Accomplished.

Caputo definitely has a type that type is succubus however blind he may be. Linda from purchasing is laying it on thicker than his former lover Figueroa; at least she’s actually single. Their celebrations are halted once he recognizes a member of the restaurant staff a former CO singing happy birthday to another patron. His good guy complex conflicts with the praise from Linda and the truth of walk out. As they walk out, his charity is rescinded on account of it being pity money. Donaldson fills him in on the status of his former coworker, which sparks a fire in Caputo to defend his firings.

Piscatella hosts the world’s most intimidating round of two truths and a lie with the Vet-COs outside of their new on site housing. This guy means business, scary business.

Soso interrupts reading time with an apology; further proving how little she knows about her girlfriend, never interrupt reading. The Wire is the source of so many assumptions. Repeat after me, assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Poussey’s anecdotal communication really makes it hard to believe Soso knew nothing of her former life but she’s also busy talking up her own varied protest experiences. Relationships built on racial stereotypes are as stable as a house in quicksand.

Our dear Sophia is still down in the dungeon of the SHU, and Gloria’s guilt has her demanding more from her son and Crystal. He assures her they’re doing everything they can despite the lawyer team MCC employs. Like half the internet, Burset’s son Michael has a Kickstarter. I wonder if the writers know about the work Laverne Cox did for the similar situation of Cece McDonald.

Vince is every millennial explaining his living situation to his imprisoned wife, given her situation she’s not in a position to complain. They take their phone role-play live in the visitation room making everything awkward for the room full of people. Only hearing Morello’s side over the phone had to be bad enough and now they’ve tainted the minds of every Litchfield visitor including a few children, nice one Lorna. Gerber Baby Guard seems to be a fan, scratching his name next to Flaca’s on the kink list.

Piper collects the work from Flaca and Maritza and gives a raise in the form of Ovaltine. Her muscle Hapakuka informs her that they’ve had some stalkers but thinks they shouldn’t be worried, which means Piper should actually be freaking out since they are in prison. She’s being stalked by two of Ruiz’s new girls around the yard. Vause emerges from the bathroom stall and reassures her that her little panty business is nothing compared to the drug cartel that got both of them locked up.

Red pumps up her quest for dominance and spikes Judy King’s food with eye drops. Gloria gives her props on styling, and King runs out to the porta-potties to expel whatever a combination of eye drops and prison food makes.

Soso pulls a Say Anything with a small radio outside of the library, except no Peter Gabriel. Eminem is a questionable choice when professing love yet Soso insists it’s not another of her wild presumptions. Instead the only clear station, aggressive rap lightly echoes the hall while Soso spiels about her obsessive talking and lack of real listening. She offers to really listen to Poussey’s life story and offer up her own in exchange for forgiveness.

Tovah and Watson debate stuffed crust pizza versus stuffed tortillas and their marketability while a drone flies over Lolli’s head. She might’ve been right about all of her conspiracy theories.

Piper catches one of the Dominican girls stealing panties in the factory, and it’s apparent that she’s got competition coming.

Lolli means to dig up the body after seeing the drone and being convinced that some agency is aware of the grave sitting beneath the garden. Vause chases after her and stops Lolli from digging up the vegetables using their victim as fertilizer. Frieda comes to the rescue and assures Lolli that she’s already moved the body, and there’s nothing to fear. She tells Vause the truth and suggests they kill their accomplice to keep the murder a secret.

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