“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.5): Corrections and Cons

Back at Litchfield, Suzanne and Morello are cleaning the bathrooms and Morello is telling Suzanne about her phone sex adventures with Vinny. Suzanne, still a virgin, is curious about sex and wonders if she made a mistake by blowing off Maureen. They discover that someone has shit in the shower, and start an investigation to find the notorious Shower Pooper. Never has the phrase “No shit, Sherlock” been more appropriate.

At CorrectiCon, Caputo and Linda are having a blast: watching prison uniform fashion shows, flying drones, and zapping some guy with a non-lethal laser gun. Caputo sees lots of products that Litchfield desperately needs, but Linda tells him that MCC will never spring for it. They meet Kip Carnigan, the BMOC of the Con, who delivers the keynote speech. In his speech, he says that the key to keeping inmates happy is to keep them busy. Whether it’s jobs, work, or training, the inmates do better when they are allowed the opportunity to accomplish something. Linda is so excited she practically creams her pantsuit.

Taystee cracks Caputo’s password (sideboobrulz) and goes online, where she immediately does what we all do with the internet: google her friends and watch cute hamster videos. Once she tires of that, she looks into the celebrity photo business and realizes she can make some dough from selling pics of Judy King.

or4That kitten’s wearing a George Washington wig!!

Maria’s panty gang is up and running, but they need to figure out a way to smuggle the panties out of the prison. Maritza offers up her van, and they make plans to sneak the panties out so that Maria’s cousin Alonso can sell them. FLASHBACK: Tavi and Maritza are parked outside of a fancy car dealership, ready for Maritza’s first big con: she’ll seduce a customer, use his I.D. to get the car keys, and take him for a test drive. Once she drops him off, she speeds away, stealing the car. Maritza is giddy, excited, and confident about the situation.

In an effort to shut down Maria’s operation, Piper rats her out to Piscatella. She tries flirting with him, but he quickly reveals that he is gay and in no mood for her games. She tells him that she feels unsafe in Litchfield, and intimates that the Latinas are to blame. Piscatella assumes that they are starting a prison gang, and institutes a stop and frisk for all Latinx inmates. The inmates get groped by the creepy guards, and Gloria gets taken away for a strip search by a female guard. Piper’s complaint has kick-started a wave of racial profiling that will affect the majority of inmates. Ugh.

Morello and Suzanne continue to track down the Shower Pooper, but they just end up interrupting people’s showers, including Maureen. Morello thinks Maureen might be revenge pooping, but Suzanne thinks it’s the work of a Poop-xabitionist (which is my new favorite word).

or5This is the shittiest Rizzoli and Isles roleplay I’ve ever seen