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“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.6): Puff, Puff, Pass

We open with Luschek and his friend debating the pros and cons of showing up to work under the influence; it’s terrible advice for those of you who indulge. Also, Luschek has enough for a motorcycle and a truck, yet both are incapacitated. Wicked priorities he’s got there. His mailbox is also overflowing according to Gerber Baby Baxter. A dear friend of his has been writing letters from downhill, not your average “Come to Brazil” celebrity type fanmail, unfortunately.

These aren’t love letters

We’re down in max; I hope we see Miss Claudette, though I doubt it. Nicky has earned her three-year sobriety chip; her speech is realistic and touching. She doesn’t get to cherish it too long as the plastic is considered contraband.

The unofficial Aryan Nation of Litchfield really wants Piper as their leader. Vause is ignoring the previous night’s rendezvous in Piper’s bunk and everything else that’s on her mind at the moment. She nearly spills the murder beans in a rage at their now off relationship then storms away.

Have you tried silence? I hear it’s in season this year

Ruiz and crew celebrate the genius of Maritza and her stealthy skills with a Snickers. Gotta count the small wins every now and then. The employee/employer dynamic is much more welcoming than Piper’s now struggling business. Panty Galore is now my roller derby name if I ever grow the courage. The crew likes the way things are going, and they want to up their game to the hard stuff. Ruiz isn’t having it; the proposition is cut short by the newly formed Litchfield Safety Task Force (White Pride Lite) on behalf of too many inmates congregating. Miss Jim Crow 2016 throws out some slurs and the fact that she’s outnumbered has slipped her mind. Defending themselves sadly earns them a round of shots and not the good stuff Luschek is carrying around in that coffee mug.

Caputo is on an inmate rescue mission after being inspired by his new hero Kip. An education program to quell boredom, it’s actually brilliant. Except it’s just filler for a lack of jobs and a lot of their newfound issues are directly related to overcrowding. Caputo thinks it will save the women and Linda reminds him of the cost end of his “career-defining” improvements. She outright tells him the framework of her succubus talents regarding MCC’s board, but he’s too excited that she believes in him to even register that key information. I might have to take some notes on the whole getting the significant other to make breakfast thing, very efficient.

The Hall Monitors give their weekly report of behavior around Litchfield, which is really just a mention of the decrease of prison graffiti. Racial slurs are flying like vultures to a fresh carcass, but that’s to be expected from a pair who between them has a Swastika and the Confederate flag tattooed. The only thing missing is a salute from this congregation of inmates. Instead, panty theft is mentioned, and Piper tries to revert back to gang activity; her Aryan compatriots don’t know she’s the founder of the whole operation.

Beyonce’ winning a CMT award for “Daddy Lessons” is ridiculous, Piper.

A nice shout out to the women in soccer kicking ass since forever I hear. Luschek has some serious job security for him to behave so recklessly while on the clock with a dozen or so inmates lives under his watch. Reason number 47 of why you shouldn’t just hand untrained inmates’ heavy construction equipment. How is it that an actual rapist gets that inmates are still people and deserve respect? The very respect he violated a season before, interesting.

We catch Nicky on her janitorial rounds down in max, and she finds Sophia while she’s mopping up the hall in SHU. Oh, my dear sweet Sophia how I have missed you. She asks for a blanket as her cell has been cleared of all furniture due to her rebellion; it’s all in vain due to the heightened security. In lieu of a blanket, she hands her a magazine through the door as a sign of solidarity.

Back up the hill in minimum security, the halls are clogged due to a newly introduced Stop and Frisk checkpoint. Piper, Big Boo, and Hapakuka queue through the line on edge knowing that the guards are searching for inmates wearing anything but tighty whities. However, they’re in luck as the selection process mirrors every random check at TSA with the heavy racial assumptions. Piper and Big Boo are the only ones truly guilty despite clearing the line without incident. Thankfully Hapakuka isn’t wearing any and she makes it out save. Did she ever join that part of the business or is she just the “muscle” Piper needs for appearances?

I wonder if I can get furlough to go see “Moana”

Our relatively friendly Black hotties find a drone photo of Judy King in a tabloid, and they concoct a genius scheme to get in on the money flow. Taystee’s job is finally coming through in the clutch.

Lolli and her knew understanding buddy Healy walk around the grounds discussing the fictional and real Twilight Zone they live in.

Red comes to collect the keys of the man fertilizing the vegetables outside of the greenhouse. Sleep deprivation in a place like this appears worse than a string of nightmares.

Big Boo is worried about the Stop and Frisks while Piper is floating on a cloud of her own racial privilege. She is reminded that if one of Ruiz’s girls is caught then Piper will likely be the name dropped for a lighter punishment. Clearly something that hadn’t even crossed her mind due to her ignoring the fact that several inmates hate her. Piper talks the talk, but when it comes down to it, she doesn’t kill the walk. Her mission to find purpose in every action is blinding her from the realities of her situation and those around her.

Do you even lift Pipes?

Cooking with Judy King is more popular than a chicken and waffles restaurant that has bottomless mimosas. Poussey is living every Food Network fans dream, well minus the prison aspect of it. King and Luschek share fresh butter and crackers and rehash the extremely friendly pen pal he’s got. Naturally, he’s conflicted, King feeds into his Oedipus complex and dishes out a main course of truth. He’s only “half a piece of shit,” which at Litchfield is more than qualifying for employment. She’s right about him needing to figure out how to fix his mistakes but very wrong for that Black grandma joke. And she reels me right back in reminding him of his very real white male privilege.

A scan around the yard in Max serves as a mini reunion for those who went above and beyond at Litchfield. Still no sighting of Miss Claudette, a saint that woman, well sort of. Stella has returned for all the heart eye emojis and a bit of familiarity with our girl Nicky. The yellow brick road of drugs isn’t hard to find down where security should be harsher. Sticking to her now confiscated three-year sobriety chip, Nicky leaves in a huff when Stella gets a special package from a guard.

Wait, you don’t have a kangaroo pouch?

First and foremost, definitely read Americanah by Chimamanda Adichie it is an amazing book. Litchfield’s own version of Judaism vs. Islam emerges again when it’s revealed that Abdullah has something the crew needs for their money scheme. In exchange for some of the very limited tampons, she will grant usage of her contraband phone. Tovah loses this battle due to her religious pride but the war betwixt them is far from over.

Luschek the brilliant mind visits Nicky down in maximum security. One can only wonder how he thought this particular scenario would play out. At least one in shower premonition could’ve predicted this and saved him a lot of time. Naturally, Nicky is less than happy to see him; as outlined in her various letters. Then to save himself from apologizing he flips the situation to blame her in a way. Nicky thanks him for the trip to sobriety in a world where drugs are easier to access than ever. Worst clearing of a conscious ever award goes to Luschek.

Sorry I queefed in your mouth.

We pan to a romantic rendezvous in the showers. Usually the spare hand is for a boob squeeze here and there, but Poussey mostly needs Soso to quiet down no matter how much she’s enjoying this. Is it safe to say we’ve all had this conversation at least once? Please tell me there’s an online guide to queer lingo. If yes, link me in the comments.

Red’s sleepless nights continue this girl should totally try and get a breathing machine. Keeping the cook awake at all hours can’t be good for the food.

Luschek is an idiot, and Judy King is what he needs. Except he’s doing a terrible job of interpreting her advice. Always remember “Puff Puff Pass” is law, for everything.

You know what else tastes like butterscotch?

Nicky is back mopping and listing capitals when she’s ordered to clean up one of the cells in the SHU. It’s covered in blood, and it was where Sophia was being housed. This can’t be good.

Early morning in the library Soso is looking to have her own “After Sex” Zoe Saldana/Mila Kunis moment with Poussey. Instead, they have a very necessary relationship talk. Possibilities of being together if they both got out of Litchfield turn into the weight of not being enough. Look at Poussey’s face, how could anyone say these hurtful things to such a beautiful face. Situationships (situational relationships) where one person has clearly defined their sexuality, and the other hasn’t always lead to this line of wording, “but you’re a girl” is the longest sword to drive through someone’s heart. So many maybes the results could land anywhere, it hits the target right in the middle of “I love you” and everything is all right once more.

I never finished “The Color Purple”

Piper loads her contraband stash of panties in a laundry bag, getting rid of the evidence is the smartest thing she’s done all episode. Lolli and Vause playing cards make this feel like a horrible summer camp.

Best Summer Camp Ever!

The rec room has turned into an actual sleep away camp equipped with blanket forts and pillows. Piscatella, fun police, is on the job. Reconstructing all of that in twenty minutes deserves some kind of patch. Kicking an inmate is the worst way to get the job done, Humps is the Joffrey of Litchfield, someone poison his pie already. Caputo and his fancy suit return and Piscatella is close enough to make sure not a single hem is touched by an inmate. Pennsatucky definitely earned a crafting badge for that basket and all of the semi-gross things she did to assemble it. None of these women care about the education program, no matter how Caputo tries to make it sound good. He still serves as a bright face amongst the horrible treatment they’ve all gotten from the new CO’s.

After popping a few pills, Red has finally gotten some sleep-19 whole hours of it according to Hapakuka. The kitchen runs under Gloria’s supervision while they all wonder if Red is actually dead, though that’s a tale that would travel faster than a cockroach carrying a cigarette. Piper seems to have stashed her panty bag underneath Ruiz’s bunk and my hatred for her grows.

Taystee holds a civil meeting with Abdullah and Tovah to negotiate the terms of their partnership. The allegory of space being invaded by two people practicing opposing religions shouldn’t be lost here. Also, I would kill to see them all play Monopoly, though Tovah strikes me as a board flipper if she doesn’t get her rent when someone lands on her property. Abdullah makes a fair claim of 25% of the profits since she is the one providing the cell phone. In a true act of God herself, they meet in the middle to discuss the wild nature of Scientology and its shady leader. Never let religion get in the way of friendship, a beautiful flower blooms and this is the greatest thing since Taystee and Poussey. Tupac is totally alive, and he’s heard Frank Ocean‘s album-Prince played it for him.

Cersei is way more evil than Umbridge

Piscatella isn’t having any of Ruiz’s claims of innocence. She tells him that Piper is the real head of operations on this scheme but of course, he doesn’t believe that for a second. Finally, someone calls out the racist rhetoric the CO’s are operating under, sadly it falls on deaf ears and he adds three to five years to Ruiz’s sentence. Business as usual would’ve sent her down to the SHU, but overcrowding rears its ugly head once more, and the pain gets worse with every strike.

Everyone should be taking the Brexit seriously!

Like all people with an abundance of money, King makes a few phone calls and handles Luschek’s problem for him. Nicky is coming back! Not too sure how she’s going to feel about this being the reason why if she ever discovers it. Nothing comes without a price, my dear Oedipus.

Ruiz spots Piper coming out to the yard, and she’s got fire in her eyes. Piper’s gangster shtick is crumbling faster and faster these days; Hapakuka won’t be able to save her. While watching Piper awkwardly stand on the opposite side of the courts, Ruiz reveals to her crew the punishment for being framed. Loyalty drives one of them to go and confront the issue immediately, but Ruiz stops her. The alternative is to dive even deeper into the black market and get into the hard stuff.

Here are all my DIY Prison Listicles.

Surely Nicky has yet to get word of her future back up in minimum security, and she’s found Stella’s friendly guard to break her drug-free streak. Taystee hands Caputo the forms for her return and the timing couldn’t be worse. Nothing comes without a price.

Follow me on Twitter at @uhitsveronica and we can talk about queer stuff between recaps. I’ll be back to talk about episode 8. See you then! Remember: No spoilers in the comments.

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