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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.06): It Was a Dark and Lesbiany Night

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura gets her brain operated on, looks as glamorous as ever. Maura’s birth mother returns, still no sight of the parents who actually raised her. Kent plays with melons—don’t worry not Jane or Maura’s.

If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Jane and Maura! They ain’t afraid of no ghost. Even a creepy murderous ghost that lurks in a creepy old hospital filled with creepy faceless statues.

Maura shows up at Jane’s place in the midst of a rainy nor’easter. Looks like someone in the costume department heard me begging for more trench coat action in the final season. Maura’s cute little fisherman’s hat is just an added bonus. A grateful lesbian nation thanks you.

As Maura arrives, Jane is, of course, all wet. I had to, guys—there are only seven episodes left. I have to get these jokes in while I can. Actually, it’s just the roof to Jane’s sublet that is leaking all over the living room she never sits in because she is always at Maura’s place. In fact, she is so distracted she doesn’t notice Maura pulling out a dress.

Maura presents said dress proudly to Jane. You can tell she has picked it out special for her girlfriend to wear and knows intimately how it will cling to each one of her curves. She says it’s for Jane to wear “tomorrow night”—but we all know there will be a little private preview later tonight in the boudoir.

Jane is completely unfazed by Maura bringing her clothing to wear, but is a tad confused about why. Maura, thinking this is one of those girlfriend ploys to get out of a previously agreed upon obligation, tells her not so fast. She’s taking her to the mystery writer’s workshop in that dress, and she is gonna like it. Now nod your head and say you understand, Jane.

Jane suddenly remembers the conference, wishes she hadn’t, but acquiesces because we all know she is whipped as hell. I mean, Dr. Maura Isles is her girlfriend—wouldn’t you be too?

Work calls, quite literally, and now it’s time to “Rizzoli” and “Isles” our way into another case. The ladies arrive, in their fashionable trenches, at the aforementioned creepy hospital where a patient has been found impaled. Next to the victim is a single long-stemmed white rose. So that’s either super romantic or super creepy. Probably creepy. Fine, definitely creepy.

The water-logged team arrives back at PD headquarters, and Frankie jumps into the elevator and tells Jane to push the close button so he can avoid the Gorton’s Fisherman/Creepy Kent. He is keeping his distance because, duh, nobody likes Kent. Therefore there’s no way he would feel comfortable attending a concert with his sister-in-law’s potential beard.

Oh, and while we’re talking about things we don’t like about Kent, did you know he does taxidermy? And he dresses them up in seasonal costumes? Yeah, that’s a definite beard dealbreaker. You stuff adorable dead animals and use them as festive decoration around your house? Nope. Hard pass.

An officer tells Jane there’s someone with information about their case waiting in the as-yet-not-flooded interrogation room. But when they walk in the subject starts asking them for information on the case instead. See, it’s funny because that’s their job. Role reversal, get it?

Anyway, she is some author in town for the mystery writers convention called Samantha Caspary. But we’re going to call her Watcher-Writer Woman because, as we all know, she is being played by Serena Scott Thomas a.k.a. Faith’s watcher-gone-evil Gwendolyn Post from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Watcher-Writer Woman tells them they’re looking for a ghost. Zoinks! At the end of this episode, I hope Jane reveals the killer by ripping off his/her ghost mask. To which the killer will then reply, “And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling lesbians!” Then this show’s transformation into Scooby-Doo will finally, happily be complete.

The ghost story in question involves a former patient of the hospital called Hannah Rose who died and then returned as a vengeful ghost who killed a bunch of people, leaving a white rose with each body. Watcher-Writer Woman says as a return favor for revealing the hospital’s murderous mythology; she’d like a little peek at their archives to find out its real history for her book. Oh, I see, this is a quid-pro-ghost situation. Got it.

Jane isn’t convinced and makes a Mystery Machine reference for good measure because everyone on the writing staff is reading my mind. Guess what I’m thinking now? Let me give you a hint. Please make it official that Jane and Maura are something that rhymes with “thespians.”

Rebuffed by Korsak and Jane, Watcher-Writer Woman goes after Maura instead. She slops some sugar about always wanting to meet her and having read her forensic papers. Maura is flattered, so The Watcher Lady goes in for the kill and says she’ll read some of her short stories over dinner/drinks. Wait, is this broad trying to pick Maura’s brain or pick her up? I definitely think she is trying to hit on Maura.

Back at the hospital, Jane is poo-pooing the building’s ghostly history. Korsak says he isn’t a total non-believer in spirits and such, and Jane ribs him about joining a cult. But, don’t worry, Korsak has receipts. He says Jane is one to talk considering she followed the ghost of Barry Frost all around Boston. Continuity will get you every time, Jane dear.

Instead of a ghost, Jane and Korsak find another dead body. It’s the doctor who treated the previous victim, who is now also very dead with a white rose on his chest. Maura’s lightening-fast autopsy reveals he was injected with a lethal dose of the chemo drugs. But that’s all she can say because she has to go run to her dinner date with Watcher-Writer Woman.

Jane is, of course, immediately jealous. She calls Maura’s dinner date “not exactly sane” and probably “up to something.” Aw, sweetie, that’s cute. Maybe if you didn’t insist on the beards and the subterfuge, Maura wouldn’t tease you like this.

Still, at the Dirty Robber, Maura and Watcher-Writer Woman seem to be genuinely hitting it off. There’s wine drinking and hearty laughing and hair tossing and copious flattering. Hm, maybe Jane was right to be jealous. Hell, Maura even introduces Watcher-Writer Woman to Mama Rizzoli. I mean, that’s meeting the parents-in-law. That’s a major step.

Maura even had Korsak check up on Watcher-Writer Woman, to make sure her alibi checked out. Now Jane starts to seriously panic. Is Maura auditioning for a new girlfriend? Does Jane need to dump her fake apartment once and for all and officially move in? Look for rings?

Maura comes in a little bit later and twists the knife a little harder. She says she plans to take the Watcher-Writer Woman with her to search the hospital archives for clues. Jane’s face is a mix of total disbelief, total panic, and total jealousy. Oh, girl, it’s time to buy your girl some roses—and not the creepy, leave on dead body kind either.

The younger Rizzoli has his own problems. He is still trying to duck Creepy Kent and get out of going to a concert with him. But Mama R reminds him it’s hard making new friends. You see, she also has receipts. She was the real reason Frankie had any friends as a kid—because she worked as a Cub Scout den mother. Makin’ friends for Frankie and keepin’ secrets for Jane—such a good mama that one.

Maura is now on her second date with Watcher-Writer Woman. And you know she is serious because she had brought protective gloves. Safety first, ladies.

They seem to be hitting it off wonderfully, bonding about dusty books and medical history. But then Watcher-Writer Woman screws it all up by proving herself to be a L.U.R.D.—Lesbian Until Research is Done. Maura is appalled on pretty much every level. There’s the fact she violated a book level. And then she isn’t even really a gay lady level. I know, honey, people can be so disappointing.

But, seriously, who cuts out pages of a book? Doesn’t this woman own a phone with a camera? Or an actual camera? Like, wouldn’t it have been easier and faster to just snap a few photos of the pages and be done with it? This woman would make a terrible spy.

Later, Maura concedes her loss in the jealousy game to Jane. As more proof that she truly is a good girlfriend, Jane doesn’t gloat too much. In fact, she sympathizes and calls Maura, “human like the rest of us” for trying to make her jealous. And her soft brown eyes say, “Don’t worry, baby. You know I love you.” They also ask, “Are you up for an eye sex quickie?”

Now that one Rizzoli has learned a valuable lesson about relationships, another Rizzoli is learning a valuable lesson about credit ratings. Frankie is arguing with a creditor about something his deadbeat father did. Korsak comes in and tells him it’s time for a big-boy name. Yeah, I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one, Korsak. Once a Frankie, always a Frankie.

But Frankie does put on his big-boy pants long enough to deal with Kent. He agrees to go to the concert, so it’s a date. Are they trying to get some sort of bromance happening at the end here? Normally I’d be against it, but if it focuses Kent’s romantic attention elsewhere, I say get your bro on, boys.

So after a series of Red Herrings and false starts, the team finally zeroes in on the real killer. It’s a maintenance man at the hospital. He is the step-son of a woman who was denied drug trial admission and died. So that’s that. Well, first they have to stop him from murdering the hospital administrator. And, fine, then Jane has to shoot and kill him.

So now, finally, that’s that. Say it with me: “And he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling lesbians!”

Now the real fun can begin. Maura and Jane are at the mystery writers conference. Watcher-Writer Woman sees Maura across the room and approaches. Oh, girl, do you really still think you have a chance? Apparently she does, because she then pointedly asks why Jane isn’t there like she promised. Oh, girl, did you just try to diss Det. Jane Rizzoli?

Maura smiles the smile of someone who knows the person in front of her is not long for this world. And then she gently warns Watcher-Writer Woman that Jane frequently shoots people for a living.

On cue, Jane comes around Watcher-Writer Woman’s shoulder and practically says, “Boo!” Jane then less gently warns her that she frequently shoots people for a living. Maura gives her the “Honey, it’s cool. I’ve got this” look. But Jane wants to make sure this interloper understands the serious trespass she committed.

Watcher-Writer Woman, now properly put in her place, instead makes good on her promise to introduce Maura to some writers. The first is none other than Tess Gerritsen herself. And then we get to watch the creator of Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles get introduced to Det. Jane Rizzoli and Det. Maura Isles. To quote Keanu Reeves in everything, “Whoooa.” But, seriously, whoa. This is truly trippy. Hold up, wait—is this an inception?

Ladies, meet your maker. Tess looks Jane up and down very carefully as if to say, “You know what, I didn’t write you as gay. But, damn, I totally see it now. You’re right; you are gay.”

Tess then tells Maura that the two of them will be the most popular people in the room, what with their true crime knowledge. By now Maura has forgotten all about her previous jealously plot and is fully beaming in nerdy book girl nirvana. Jane, however, has not forgotten and keeps a close eye on Watcher-Writer Woman. But, ever the good girlfriend, she goes along because the excited joy in Maura’s eyes melts her heart.

Wearing the dress Maura picked out for her. Hanging at a conference Maura wanted her to go to. Yep, Det. Jane Rizzoli, you are officially whipped. Drink all you want, woman. You can’t change the truth.

Conference over, Maura is poring over brochures because of course she is. Jane continues to drink heavily by her side. Poor thing, she has finally come to the realization that she will basically do whatever Maura wants her to do—even if that’s going to an all-vegan, no-TV, internet-free writing workshop in the Adirondacks. Give in to your role, Jane. Also, be nice. I think your girlfriend is trying to plan another romantic getaway for you two.

While Jane is wondering if there’s some sort of Whipped Girlfriends Anonymous support group she can attend, Nina walks in. She’s looking for a Where the Hell is My Boyfriend support group meeting. But then a leather-clad Frankie comes through the door with an equally leather-clad Mama R. They’re pumped and back from the concert.

But, no one is quite as pumped as Kent, who shows up in full (well, almost full—he skipped the beard) KISS face paint and leather pants. Some things you just can’t unsee, folks.

Yeah, sorry ladies—you’re gonna have to cross Kent off the potential beard list immediately. There is no way. In fact, there is negative way; Dr. Maura Isles would ever even pretend to date this doofus.

And now for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. You were all rightfully appalled that Maura went on a date with someone not named Det. Jane Rizzoli. Appalled, I say.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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