Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane and Maura ain’t afraid of no ghosts. Maura goes on a date with not-Jane. Jane gets jealous.
Man, don’t you hate wrong-way cyclists. I mean, I get it. Riding your bike is healthy and great for the environment and zippy and all that. But maybe don’t be a massive asshat. You still have to obey the rules of the road. You are still on a public roadway with other vehicles. And those that don’t? Well, I’m not saying you should all go boom. But, you know, let that be a lesson to you.
Maura is at Jane’s place in the morning. I see they’re switching it up a bit. Maybe Mama Rizzoli has been cramping their style a little. Hey, sometimes things get loud and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. Maura thanks Jane for signing for a package for her while she was helping perform a cesarean at Hope’s clinic. Jane says no problem, but secretly is worried the UPS man knows they’re a couple. Dude, everyone knows. EVERYONE KNOWS.
But, to quote Brad Pitt, now everyone just wants to know what’s in the box. Maura smiles that little smile she makes when she is about to make her girlfriend very happy. She says it’s a custom sabre guard so Jane can recognize her while attending her fencing tournaments.
OK, hold up, let’s let this sink in. Jane, who pretty much hates everything that isn’t baseball, hockey or shooting bad guys, apparently regularly attends Maura’s fencing tournaments. I mean, come on. Last week a mystery writer’s convention, this week fencing tournaments. Jane is so Maura’s puppy. Jane tries to play it off by making fun of Maura’s fencing tournaments—saying everyone looks like “giant tampons in face masks.” But we know, everyone knows.
Maura brushes off her deflection and reveals her purchase. It’s a very special custom sabre guard, emblazoned in the Boston Red Sox colors and emblem. Jane immediately gets weak in the knees and then they’re both very grateful they’re at Jane’s place instead of Maura’s where Mama R could walk in on untoward happenings on the kitchen counter.
They play flirt with some fencing moves and you just know Maura’s new hobby means they’re incorporating a bunch of new pirate role-playing into their bedroom routine.
Just as things are about to get super swashbuckly up in Jane’s kitchen, Frankie walks in and ruins everything. You’d think, after all these years, the Rizzolis would know to knock before entering a space with Jane and Maura. Jane is equally annoyed, letting out an exasperated, “Nooooo.”
You see, Jane is not only upset that Frankie interrupted their flirting; she is also upset that Frankie is there to take her away from Maura. Jane has been invited by the FBI to lecture trainees at Quantico. Maura, naturally, had to convince her to accept the invitation. The separation anxiety that woman has about her woman is truly remarkable.
As if to twist the knife further into Jane’s worst insecurities about their relationship, as she is leaving Maura and Frankie receive the case-starter caller of the week. They answer with what should be Jane and Maura’s trademark “Rizzoli” and “Isles.” Jane stares blankly at them and then says, “That just doesn’t sound right. That’s messed up.” Yes, yes it is.
Frankie and Maura arrive on scene. This is all so disorienting; it’s like a bizarro episode where up is down. Next, they’re going to try to tell us Jane and Maura are heterosexual. They find the wrong-way biker crisped to a cinder. I hope you weren’t planning on eating barbecue anytime soon.
Now in D.C., Jane is making sure Frankie keeps her updated on everything happening to Maura, er, I mean the case. She is particularly aggrieved when Frankie tells her they might be working on a case of spontaneous human combustion. I mean, think of all the ways she could be teasing Maura about this non-scientific phenomenon. The missed flirting opportunities alone are tragic. As she yells, verbatim, into the phone, “That’s the first time Maura’s wrong and I’m missing it?!?”
Jane has to stop her missing Maura pouting because a square-jawed FBI guy/potential beard appears before her. Look, show, there’s no need to introduce another non-romantic romantic interest. We’re down to the final few episodes here. You are fooling exactly no one—not even that conservative great uncle who won’t stop posting about making America great again on his Facebook feed.
Considering last week’s episode, I was really hoping they’d trot out a Clarice Starling-like FBI agent to flirt shamelessly with Jane. Then we could see a little Maura jealousy because turn-about is fair play. But this jarhead? Yeah, Maura ain’t worried.
At The Dirty Robber, Mama R is pouring through the classifieds with a highlighter. Frankie notices and asks what’s up. She is looking for a new place. Now Frankie is alarmed. Did something happen with Maura? Are Maura and Jane OK? He already wrote his best man speech. This is terrible. But no worries, Mama R is just trying to express her independent/get away from Jane and Maura’s loud bedroom activities. I mean, it’s understandable—especially now with all that naked fencing they’re doing around the house.
On the case, Maura is being second-guessed by Kent because—in case you’d somehow forgotten—he is the worst. There’s a problem with the DNA results, because there’s not just one but five results returned by the test. Again I ask, really, this is the dude they replaced Senior Criminalist Susie Chang with?
While Maura and Kent are charting their crispy critter, Jane Skypes in to see how things are going/check up on Maura. It’s pretty adorable how Jane cannot function without regular contact with her lady. She demands to see the arms still fused to the handlebars and Maura obliges.
Jane grumbles how she is missing everything. Maura grumbles how Jane packed khakis and a polo. You see, unlike Jane, Maura is so secure in her relationship with Jane that she always wants to show her off. You know, picking out dresses she knows Jane will look hot in. Making sure her suits look sharp. Just because Jane is a great detective doesn’t also mean she can’t be great arm candy.
Ever perceptive, Maura realizes Jane is donning the khaki to repel a potential beard. She asks about Mr. F-Beard-I. But Jane changes the subject and talks about her anxiety about connecting with a bunch of overachieving millennials. Maura says not to worry; Jane is an overachiever at catching killers and bedroom creativity. And that’s more important than understanding Snapchat.
They share a moment and then Kent ruins it by being a creeper and, you know, Kent in general. Again, why? Why is he here? I mean, they didn’t just write off Susie’s character. THEY KILLED HER.
At Quantico, Jane is joking with Mr. F-Beard-I about J. Edgar Hoover’s fabulous dress and high-heel collection. Before going into the class, she overhears one of the male trainees complaining that they couldn’t find “one guy” to teach this thing. Sadly, little Donald Trumps are everywhere.
Jane is in front of the class, flailing a bit as she tries to reach the youths by simply lecturing. Ever the hands-on lady (as Maura can attest), she decides to get interactive and sets up faux interrogations with the students instead. She grills them one by one giving them all the patented Det. Jane Rizzoli treatment, minus the shootings.
She gets them to confess they’ve Dirty Harry-ed with their fake gun in the mirror, worn their underwear for multiple days without washing and using a nightlight. The mini-Trump is miffed (he was the night light needer) and tries a classic misogynistic male power play, calling her seminar “cute.” Then he drops his pencil on purpose and expects Jane to pick it up, with a wink. Oh, Lil’ Trump. Jane Rizzoli is about to fuck up your everything. And guess what? I’m with her.
The case glides on with the added wrinkles of a victim who was a meth maker, a gangster who got lipo and a bomb made of melted human fat removed during plastic surgery. Yeah, Jane is definitely missing out on a good one. Like, I can hear her in their next Skype session already. “Mauuuura. A fat bomb? Please, please, please can we make a fat bomb when I get back? Pleeeease.”
Mama R is still on her pointless apartment hunt. It isn’t going well. But then, once you’ve lived at the Isles Estate everything else looks like a flophouse. Frankie tries to talk her out of it, because he knows Jane secretly loves that Maura has taken in their mother. He is a big Rizzles shipper, like the rest of us.
And, as if on cue, our couple emerges again. Jane Skypes Maura again—but Maura immediately recognizes that she has “Case Face” on. Girlfriends know all of each other’s faces—it’s a fact. Jane admits she is preoccupied with Lil’ Trump and The Case of the Possibly Murderous Misogynist. She has looked into the asshat’s past and found an award-winning and talented female journalist at his college newspaper who committed suicide. He was the editor and only published two of her articles.
So now Jane is on a mission to stop this sexist possible murderer from receiving his badge, gun and federal authority. Look, guys, if you want to make all the rest of the cases about Jane taking down misogynistic dillweeds, I’m all for it. Go out in a blaze of feminism, show. And sweet lady kisses, please let there be sweet lady kisses.
While Jane and Maura already have their portmanteau securely in place, Korsak asks Nina and Frankie if they have a shipper name yet. Look, you guys are cute and all. But Ninkie/Frina/Holizzoli/Rizziday will never be as cute as Rizzles. Sorry, Straightzzoli, those are just the facts.
Mama R comes to see Maura with a big handmade lunch to share. Aw, she’s keeping her company while Jane is gone. But Maura knows this is about all those missing classified sections from her paper. Mama R confesses to looking for a place. But Maura knows if she moves out Jane would be so secretly devastated. So they make a deal for Mama R to start paying rent. The good news is Maura readily accepts Mama R’s pasta dishes in lieu of proper references.
In D.C., Jane is about to leave when she happens upon Lil’ Trump reading on a bench. She gives him one chance to apologize for the pen drop and wink. He doesn’t, of course, because Big and Lil’ Trump can never admit they’re wrong. So Jane goes in for the kill. She brings up the fellow student’s suicide, and he goes off talking about how she would have gotten more stories published if she picked up his pens.
So, he wasn’t guilty of being a murderer. But he is guilty of being a sexist lout. Mr. F-Beard-I was listening the whole time, so their sting successfully took another misogynist off the streets. Granted, I doubt that little conversation would be enough evidence to really get him thrown out of the FBI. But I’ll happily suspend disbelief and say it would. Hell, let’s rename it the Feminist Bureau of Investigations while we’re at it.
Mr. F-Beard-I says he and Jane make a good team. Then he invites her out for a drink. Jane panics—she hates it when the beards want to actually spend time with her. She tries to use her impending flight as an excuse. But some guys can’t take a “no,” and decides to delay her flight using his federal authority. Uhhh, not to be a killjoy, but I’m pretty sure that’s against FBI policy, too.
So now the Jane-less case finally gets solved. It’s a meth-using chemist who went into business with the fat bomb victim. As they are searching the suspect’s house Maura watches from a nearby car. But then the suspect runs past her and sees the stakeout and takes off. So, of course, Maura takes off after her. Seems Jane is rubbing off on her more ways than one. Ahem.
Maura corners her in a backyard, and then a swashbuckling fencing match with garden implements ensues. Why didn’t they showcase Maura’s sabre skills before this season? I feel cheated of six seasons worth of swordplay. Touché, indeed.
So, now the case is solved, Jane is back and the beer is flowing and it’s finally, FINALLY, time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending. Do you know this has been the first, real and private BGE of the season? That thing where all the zombies stumbled in kinda doesn’t count.
Jane is being suitably impressed by Maura’s combat skills and Maura is being suitably impatient about her back-from-a-trip gift. Also, how many of your best friends do you buy a present for when you return from a business trip? Yeah, exactly.
Of course, Jane being Jane, she got Maura an inside joke gift. It’s an FBI shirt reading, “Female Boob Inspector.” She pretends it was an “accident.” But we all know besides swashbuckling pilots one of their other favorite role plays is Female Boob Inspector Special Agent. Maura says she loves it and will wear it under her fencing uniform to help her feel extra gay. I mean, come on, she is already using that Red Sox sabre guard that’s practically a public love letter to Jane.
You sure had a lot to say about Skype dates and boob shirts in this week’s #gayzzoli tweets.
Did I miss the super secret episode where Maura moved in with Jane & now gets here mail there? #Rizzles #Gayzzoli
– Tex Bard (@Texbard) July 19, 2016
Jane going to Maura’s fencing tournaments is adorable. Maura working the Red Sox into it to make it more tolerable is girlfriendy. #gayzzoli
– Karyn Ben Singer (@kbenwrites) July 19, 2016
That was totally the groan of someone whose little brother walked in right as she was about to make her move. #Gayzzoli
– Leila C (@lutzklutz) July 19, 2016
Awwww! Jane jealous of Frankie! We know it sounds better when YOU are the Rizzoli! #gayzzoli
– Eleonora (@_LaEle_) July 19, 2016
#Gayzzoli is going to rise the moment the mother (in law) moves out of the guest house #RizzoliandIsles
– SASHA IS FREE (@franschkatic) July 19, 2016
Oh Frankie, Jane’s not going down there for the science. #gayzzoli
– Warrior Princess (@DrunkMaryPoppin) July 19, 2016
It’s not folklore. Jane Rizzoli actually gets women to spontaneously tell her things about their underwear. #gayzzoli
– Christin (@christinc1) July 19, 2016
Case face, awww Maura knows the wife #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– K. Lewis (@TechLewis) July 19, 2016
“You’re only there for… Twelve hours.” – Look at Maura counting the hours until Jane returns. #Gayzzoli
– Agathe Rigault (@MissColombine) July 19, 2016
You already tried having an FBI agent for a beard, Jane. Didn’t work then, won’t work now. #Gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– LCostello (@coz1969) July 19, 2016
That shirt says it all #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli
– Leigh (@Lili309) July 19, 2016
I can hear it now.
Cast/Crew:You know them lesbians are gonna love that damn ending. Now show them Jane in Jail#RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– Bethany Danielle (@TnDani) July 19, 2016
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