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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.08): Jane’s Got Time

Previously on “Rizzoli & Isles”: Jane goes to the FBI to see if she can meet Agents Scully and Starling. Maura used her fencing skills to catch a suspect. And then Jane bought Maura a shirt about boobs.

The ladies are at Jane’s place, their new preferred spot to Netflix and chill. Maura is taking a walk down memory lane, thumbing through photos from their relationship. I mean, we’ve all done this with our girlfriends. They’re looking for photos for Jane to hang around the house. Remember, the only one we know she had is the one of her and Maura in that convertible.

But they realize there’s an unfortunate trend. It’s photos of Maura — with Jane’s family members. Maura with Mama R. Maura with Frankie. Jane is missing from all of them. Ah, I see what Maura’s doing. This is the subtle ways girlfriends tell each other one of them is working too much and needs to spend more time at home snuggling.

Meanwhile, Jane is reading the first chapter of Maura’s mystery novel. Wow, they really are going to give her the Jessica Fletcher farewell. Jane reassures her it’s great, and she wants more. I mean, she has to say that. But in her case, I believe it. Then, the duel calls come in to start the case. But instead of Jane answering first, per custom, she lets Maura pick up while she takes a couples selfie. Yes, that really happened.

They arrive at the biker garage, where two burly grease monkeys were gunned down. This reminds Maura she needs her sidecar looked at. Yeah, remember, she owns a motorcycle. That they haven’t shown more adorable shots of Jane and Maura getting their dykes on bikes on is a crime. An absolute crime.

Jane and Maura do some standard flirting over dead bodies—this time about fairies. Yes, fairies. I see what you did there. But the fairy theory gets quickly abandoned because of the lack of pixie dust and presence of all the guns. As we all know, fairies don’t support the NRA.

One of the heavily armed bikers has a lipstick smudge. And there is also a report of someone who “runs like a girl” fleeing from the repair shop. So now they think the shooter might be a woman. Also, fuck that witness for saying “runs like a girl.” The search narrows to someone called Kelly Wagner played by someone I know I’ve seen before. IMDB wasn’t any help, but I was able to finally figure out where I’ve seen her before. She was Livewire, that electrified baddie, on Supergirl this past season. Whew, doesn’t that feel better?

Frankie and Nina go to find her. But instead, Frankie finds a trashcan lid to the face. That’s gonna leave a mark. Nina is there immediately to back him up while brandishing her weapon. But she’s a little shaky. Oh dear, here comes the “my last boyfriend was killed”-PTSD. Though, I get it. I think she needs to go for drinks with Maura and discuss how significant others of cops cope with the constant fear for the worst.

Back in the lab, Maura has laid out a gun smorgasbord for Jane to inspect. Only one had any evidence, which leads them to some heavy in an Albanian crime circuit. Jane also lets slip that Maura is writing a book because girlfriends always brag on each other. Kent immediately asks if he is in it because it’s impossible for some dudes to imagine a world where their existence is not acknowledged and celebrated.

Maura appeases him by saying he’ll be in the “acknowledgments.” Like in really tiny print. Really tiny. But Kent continues to demand he is a character and also demands she doesn’t make him English. After he leaves, Jane begs Maura to do just that. Just because they occasionally need beards, doesn’t mean they have to like them.

Frankie goes to see Nina for a lunch date. But she is still shaken up by the incident and suggests they not go in the field together anymore. He tells her she is overreacting which, Jesus — have you ever talked to a woman, Frankie? Well here is a tip: We kind of don’t like it when men diminish our feelings and dismiss their validity.

Kelly, a.k.a. The Garbage Pail Girl, won’t talk to Jane and Korsak. But in lockup, she’s apparently talking to everyone to find a hitman to rub someone out. Jane theorizes she is the witness who ran away and is trying to get to the killer before the killer gets to her. So Jane hatches a plan to get herself arrested. Yep, Jane wants them to send her to jail. Looks like someone is finally getting to live out her Orange Is the New Black fantasies.

Speaking of fantasies, next, we see Maura painting a tattoo onto Jane’s exposed shoulder. Pretty much this whole thing looks ripped directly from a romance novel cover. They’re also talking about Jane’s tough veneer. Maura says she might even have a tough “under veneer.” Jane teases her not to talk about her under veneer.

Please, ladies—we all know Jane is your classic butch in the streets, femme in the sheets gal. She’s all mush under that veneer. And that white tank top. Thank you, costume department.

Korsak arrives with her prison backstory, and then Mama R arrives. So I guess that whole, “We’ll have privacy and people will leave us alone at my new place”-thing didn’t totally pan out. Mama R is livid with Jane when she finds out she is going undercover. Hey, I get it, it’s hard being the loved one of someone who constantly puts themselves in danger. But has she ever freaked out at Frankie like this? Isn’t he also a cop?

Also, who do I have to petition to get more scenes with Jane in this tank top before this show ends? I mean it. I’m willing to send muffin baskets as a thank you.

So now a tatted up Jane is in shackles and wearing orange on the way to the big house. And thus begins an epic Jane Rizzoli meets Alex Vause cross-over ship. I mean, she already has a safe word and everything. (Don’t worry, it’s different than her safe word with Maura. That’s “Xena.”)

After spending her first restless night behind bars, it is breakfast time. I half expect Red to serve her a tampon McMuffin. But instead, she runs into Christine freaking Cagney. Yep, it’s Sharon Gless of Cagney & Lacey fame. (Or, for the slightly younger set, Michael’s mom on Queer as Folk.) I can’t tell you the untold glee it gives me watching one of the original lady cop duo talk with one of today’s reigning lady cop duo.

By the way, did you see both Cagney & Lacey reunite last night to sing at the Democratic National Convention? I mean, I think Hillary already had the lesbian vote on lock. But in case there were any holdouts, consider them secured now.

Cagney (please, like I’m going to call her anything else) suggests Jane get the biscuits in the mess line. But Jane has cranked her surliness up to 11 and declines. Then, when Cagney follows her to her table to make more friendly chatter, Jane threatens to kill her. Man, is Maura going to be mad at Jane when she tells her she had to yell at Cagney.

Mama R comes to Maura’s office to find out about Jane. Everyone knows—if you want intel on Jane, go to Maura. Maura tries to reassure her that everything will be OK, that Jane can take care of herself. Poor thing, all this helping other people feel better means she probably has no time to process her own fears.

In the yard, Jane is keeping an eagle eye on Garbage Pail Girl. Sheesh, Jane, can you make it any more obvious? Also, the writers seem to have decided their best idea in this scenario is to have the frightened white woman being menaced by two black fellow inmates. Uh. Can we maybe not? It’s been a long, hard year for everyone. We’re better than this. This is especially true when those two inmates represent pretty much a tripling of your diversity quotient on this show.

Jane gives one of the harassing inmates a hard shoulder pass and they get into a tiff. Scared Garbage Pail Girl thanks Jane, but Jane informs her she is only there for one more day so hurry it up. Someone is impatient to get back to Maura.

Later that night Jane is reading the newest bestseller by “Bess Herritsen” (we see what you did there, don’t worry) when Garbage Pail Girl gets pulled into the bathroom by one of her harassers. Jane gets up to investigate, but stopped at the entrance. So they slug it out. First with one, then the other. I gotta say, Jane throws a pretty mean kidney punch. Ouch.

Jane calls Maura afterward. Gotta tell the bae you’re okay. But she has to talk in code because of the whole being undercover in prison and all. Actually, they could have avoided this subterfuge by just making kissy noises at each other throughout their entire allotted time.

Garbage Pail Girl approaches Jane about a “job.” She offers her $10,000 to take out someone named “Snake.” Jane says she’ll think about it. Then she immediately walks over to the CO and tells him her safe word. Really? No prison shower scene? Why do you gotta tease us like this, show?

So now Jane is back, and there is hugging. Maura wants to tut-tut over the enormous bruise on her head. But Jane is too focused on work, especially when Maura mentions something about wanting to protect those you love. She rushes her girlfriend out the door to work, barking at her to grab her jacket on the way out. So much for a romantic reunion. As poor Maura knows all too well, that’ll have to wait until the case is solved.

Jane has deduced that Garbage Pail Girl is trying to protect her half-sister, who witnessed the bikers’ murders. So now it is a race to find the girl, who is in danger from the Albanians. But don’t worry, Jane and a cute puppy get there first. It should be noted that said pup is none other than Angie Harmon’s chug Daisy. She has a Twitter account and everything. This episode is total pandering to its core audience: lesbians who love animals and hot ladies with tattoos.

So case closed, time for a beer. But wait, there’s more. Cagney is back. She is out and has come to visit Det. Risilly. Aw man, as soon as Maura hears that that will be Jane’s new cute nickname for at least the next six months. She thanks Jane for getting the DA to drop the charges. Jane tells her to try and stay on the straight (ha ha, not like that) and narrow this time. And then Cagney hugs Rizzoli and everything is beautiful, and nothing hurts.

So now it’s time for a, hold up, what is this? A Big Rizzoli Ending. I get it, Mama R, it’s tough. But your insecurities and fears are robbing us of Maura and Jane being cute. And for that, we’ll never forgive you. Give her your “I’m sorry”-beer and let’s move this along.

So finally, finally, Jane and Maura are alone as they should be—with wine and cheese and talk of the future. Jane says everything seems to be changing. Maura is a novelist. Korsak is married. Frankie is in Straightzzoli. She wonders if she should change, too. Yes, Jane — if you are asking if you should come out the answer is an emphatic, “YES.”

Maura reassures her that she is growing emotionally. I mean, look how long it has been since either has had official beards. Sure, there are some threatening around the outskirts. But, still, nothing so blatant. That’s progress.

But Maura, always pushing for a little more, makes note that it is late and deliberately decides to go home instead of spending the night. Baby steps, honey, baby steps. A disappointed Jane can’t believe she bought all that stinky cheese not to get any tonight.

Then she calls F-Beard-I Guy and asks if the instructor job offer still stands. Dammit, see, this is what happens when you try to push Jane too fast. She stumbles backward.

And now for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Once again it’s proof positive that gay ladies love hot tattoos, long hugs, prison scenes and cute dogs.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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