RachelWatch: Alexander the Great

Today: Ana Marie Cox dishes with Rachel and Clifford Alexander dishes out five uninterrupted minutes of awesome.

Obama’s Lucky Break

Obama came out swinging for the big fight over healthcare. Because there is widespread acknowledgment that we need reform and it’s a massive, complex issue that could use input from all sides, Republicans have announced their intention to contribute to a truly bipartisan effort for the good of everyone.

No, of course not. They didn’t show because they still haven’t figured out how to construct a sentence that means “We need to protect the profits of drug and insurance companies,” but still sounds like they’re looking out for the little guy.

A team of conservative linguists and grammarians are said to be working around the clock. Oh, and also an awesome PR firm. Nice spokesperson, guys. What, Snidely Whiplash was booked?

Former DNC chairman Howard Dean joined Rachel to point out that it would be nice to have a few more people from the left in on the discussion as well.

While it was funny, I think Rachel’s E. coli metaphor is unfair. I worked with millions of E. coli bacteria in my high school biology classes, and not once did they leave their Petri dishes to commit massive fraud.

OK, I’m pretty sure some of them stole my lab partner Cathy’s mechanical pencil, but that was it.

This Way Out?

Oh, good. Cheney is back on TV, this time to talk about Afghanistan. It’s true: Once you finally find an outlet for creative expression, it’s hard to let it go. Could someone please tell him about journaling?

On the upside, it’s allowing Rachel to really hone her imitation of the Cheney wheeze. I know I should take issue with it because it’s so mean, but I can’t. Largely because I am rendered too helpless with laughter to type.

Last time we checked, we are in Afghanistan to stop Al-Quaeda. But General David Petraeus says they aren’t headquartered there anymore.

So we don’t have a reason for being there or a specific goal, but we’re in it up to our waists, and we’ve screwed the country up so badly that if we just bug out it’ll collapse so hard that Afghanis will be able to watch The Road Warrior for governance tips.

Rachel welcomed Representative Eric Massa (D – New York), a retired Navy Commander and member of the House Armed Services Committee, who also had a few minor questions like “What are we doing there?” and “Why?” and “Seriously?”

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that journalist Roxana Saberi has been freed, but reminded us that Euna Lee and Laura Ling are still in custody in North Korea. Rachel joined everyone else in hoping that the relative government and media silence is due to intense backroom negotiations.

Rachel also noted that Hartmarx, the Chicago company that makes Obama’s suits, has filed for bankruptcy. Wells Fargo, which had its bacon saved by $25 billion in bailout money, decided to empathize Hartmarx right on its behind and is planning to liquidate.

Wait a minute — we’re missing the real, hidden story here. Obama’s suits are made by Hartmarx? Heart Marx? Oh, my God, it’s all true!

Grand (Really) Old Party

The Republicans sent their freshest, most vibrant faces out to the Sunday talk shows this weekend: Cheney, Gingrich, and McCain.

Former McCain-Palin campaign spokesperson Nicolle Wallace has floated the name of conservative actor Gary Sinise as a possible Republican candidate/savior/person who can speak in public without being actively humiliating.

The suggestion is apparently because Sinise is under 1,000 years old, admits to being conservative, and has done some great real-life work for the troops and some super-cool stuff in fiction.

Air America Radio’s national correspondent Ana Marie Cox dropped in (hooray!) to talk about the Republican Party’s current trials and give her perspective on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Cox also made a solid attempt at actually getting Rachel to blush crimson, but I think she ended up with more of a soft mauve.

GOP in Exile

Representative Pete Sessions (R – Texas) says that Obama is purposefully sabotaging the country. He says the President is deliberately trying to drive unemployment up and stock prices down to — I’m not sure what Obama is supposed to be doing that for.

Or how he was managing to do it before he got elected. Maybe that’s what Acorn was doing?

Right To Serve

So everybody agrees that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a steaming hot mess that compromises the integrity of our gay, lesbian, and bi soldiers, drives commanding officers crazy, and makes it harder for our military to function properly.

Except for John McCain, who claims that “the policy is working and it’s working well.”

Former Secretary of the Army Clifford Alexander stopped by to punch so many holes in that statement that you can now use it to drain your pasta.

Wow, I had no idea Clifford Alexander was so terrific. He makes me want to time-travel back to my eighth-grade bedroom just so I can put up a poster of him. I’m sure Buckaroo Banzai and Grace Jones won’t mind.