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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.12): Fetch Me My Razor

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane tells Mama R about the FBI job. Maura doesn’t believe in God because what kind of God would let Jane move away from her. And the wrong Rizzoli pops the question.

Oh, so it’s a flashback episode—1975 to be exact. I’m guessing these aren’t flashbacks to Jane and Maura’s youth because they’d still be toddlers mastering complete sentences and not grade-school kids playing hide-and-seek and finding dead bodies.

Instead, present-day Jane and Maura are mastering Mama R’s ragu recipe. Maura is also trying to get through her separation anxiety by finding Jane the perfect place she can use as her pied-à-terre in Washington D.C. Please; she calculated the exact drive-time to Jane already; you don’t think she’d also micro-manage where she was staying?

Maura has started a “relocation journal” and checklist for Jane, which we all know is code for “a list of ways you’re going to miss me and ways you can then make it up to me later.”

Jane freaks out because her “sorry, I’m a bad girlfriend and moving away to run from my feelings”-game plan isn’t getting her away from her feelings fast enough. She says she can’t talk about it anymore. So then Mama R starts crying. And Maura starts crying. And, as we all know, it’s a sin to make Dr. Maura Isles cry. So Jane gives up and decides to drown all their sorrows in wine.

See. EVERYONE HATES THIS IDEA AND WANTS TO DRINK UNTIL IT GOES AWAY.

After a lot of wine and even more crying, Maura, Jane and her Ponytail of Righteous Justice arrive on their new crime scene. Though, to be honest, it’s more like a Ponytail of Hungover Necessity today.

Korsak knew the victim. He was the father of the young girl who was murdered in the flashback earlier. Korsak was dating her older sister back in the day. The case was never solved, but we all know that’s going to change because we’ve watched Cold Case before and know how this stuff works—at least on TV.

Meanwhile, Frankie and Nina are still excited about their engagement. But Frankie doesn’t want to announce it until he has a ring. And Nina wants to find a way to get them a dream honeymoon. So, that’s your Subplot B for the episode. After all this time, they’re still trying to give us a Subplot B, those crazy dreamers.

While Nina is telling Jane about Red Herring No. 1, Agent Davies—a.k.a. Mr. F-Beard-I—arrives out of nowhere. Hey, you know what women don’t like, besides men talking to them when they have headphones on? Men who sneak up on them like crazy future stalkers.

He wants to “talk” and preferably “now.” See, now this is why you get them to sign their Beard Contracts before you start pretending to date. Otherwise things can get awkward. They have to understand the strict boundaries of these legally binding agreements.

Jane worries (hopes) that there’s a problem with the job. But instead, Mr. F-Beard-I just wants to take her out to dinner. Seriously? Come on; the FBI has to have some sort of sexual harassment policy? Granted, she isn’t working there yet. But since he is the one who offered her the job and essentially hired her isn’t this wildly inappropriate? Also dumb because Jane Clementine Rizzoli is clearly a gaymosexual lady of the highest order.

Jane goes to see Maura to cleanse the faux heterosexuality with a long, loving look at her girlfriend. But Maura is preoccupied, and a little short with her. Jane notices immediately because that’s what happens when you love a person. You know what they’re feeling and when they’re feeling it immediately—sometimes even sooner than they do.

Maura says it’s “silly,” but it really was some notes from her book editor. They were basically glowing (words like “potential” and “fascinating” and “complex”), but then he said the characters were a little “flat” and setting didn’t “come alive.”

Jane identifies the problem right away. A classic overachiever is upset because she wasn’t perfect in her first attempt at a thing. Jane even makes a little pouty face. If you’ve ever made this face while teasing your girlfriend, please raise your hand. Oh, that’s everyone? Just checking.

Oh, and keep them raised if your girlfriend gave you this face back.

Yep, everyone again. As I suspected.

Jane then does grand “I believe in you” gesture while telling Maura to do just that about her writing. These two, if only the writers would stop insisting they have any chemistry with men and let them be.

So now let’s blah blah blah through some plot. Korsak meets his ex-girlfriend, the dead girl’s sister, who is now older because that’s how time works. She says her dad never stopped looking for her sister’s killer. So, there you go, motive.

And now cue dun-dun-dun music because Maura informs them that the DNA from the father’s crime scene and the girl’s old crime scene match. So we’ve got two murders, one killer. Please, for the love of all that is holy, let there not also be a cup involved.

The party back in the day was at a snooty rich family’s house. The victim was invited because she was a classmate of one of the sons, albeit a classmate on scholarship because she came from the poor part of town. OK, easy-peasy—one of the rich sons did it. Case solved. Let’s spend the rest of this episode fixing this Mr. F-Beard-I mess and getting our Big Gayzzoli Ending. Who is with me?

But, fiiiiine, they insist of solving the case more slowly. Mostly I think this is because Jane and Korsak want to have a little heart-to-heart about whether she’s making the right decision going to the FBI (she’s not).

Then Jane and Korsak talk with one of the rich, now grown-up, sons. He did it. Are we done? Can we be done? Please?

So instead we bound into another storyline we wish would die in a fire. It’s Jane and Mr. F-Beard-I on their first date. He’s talking about hanging with Neo-Nazis. So, wait, when did he go to a Trump rally? At least Jane is making appropriate faces at her “date.”

Jane tells him to stop being creepy Nazi and talk about something butch she can actually relate to—like getting shot. Then she regales him with her “I shot myself” story because she tells anyone who will listen that story. You just know it.

So the next morning Maura waltzes into Jane’s place, per usual. She yells for Jane but instead finds a half-naked Mr. F-Beard-I. Dude, why are you dressing in the living room? Better question, why are you semi-nude in Jane’s house at all? Well, clearly it’s a dry run for the requisite, “Someone walks in on us post-coital” scenario that’s laid out in the contract.

Maura, who always hated the post-coital scenario provision, asks Mr. F-Beard-I passive aggressively if he is “enjoying” Boston. And by “enjoying” she means, “Get the fuck out of here and take your ugly purple shirt with you, you disgusting piece of hired meat.”

Then Jane, ever the insensitive one, offers Maura up to give Mr. F-Beard-I a ride to his hotel. Afterward Jane at least checks to see if this new beard meets with Maura’s approval. Janey, Janey—you do that before he signs the contract, not after. Before.

Maura passive aggressively (there’s a lot of that going around) places an ever-complicated beverage orders to annoy Jane. But, deep down, she knows Jane will miss those insane soy drink orders so much.

Jane changes the subject and tells Maura she should “try something different” for her writing. Well has she ever tried writing after sex? Because, you know, they could start now. I mean, we have to get the image of pecs-ahoy out of our heads somehow. Why not replace it with a much, much better image?

Alas, Jane opts instead to impersonates a mover to gain access to the wealthy family patriarch, who it turns out is pretty much useless anyway because of the senility. But at least she was able to give Frankie a goodbye pep talk about how he’s a good detective on his own before engaging in some sorta shady subterfuge of her own.

But, while there, she collects his tears to use for DNA. Yes, yes—our feminist dreams have finally come true. This show is actually harvesting Male Tears. Cry, men, cry!

The tear-soaked Kleenex leads to DNA that in no way would be thrown out of a court because it was obtained under false pretenses, which confirms that the killer is a familial match. But which rich white dude did it? Who cares—lock them all up. Eat the rich. Get that little Bernie bird to tweet about the rigged economy as they all burn.

I’m sorry, I might be reacting badly to an egomaniacal so-called billionaire (show us your taxes or it’s clearly just millionaire) who is purposely sinking our national discourse into the fetid swamp of fascist fever dreams and rabidly xenophobic hatemongering.

Where were we? Right, Maura—a fictional rich person I actually like—asks Ken if he would feel comfortable running the lab for a few weeks if the need arose. Oh, so this is the reason they killed Senior Criminalist Susie Chang? Another woman couldn’t possibly take over the lab, right?

So Jane and Maura (and Kent—such a Peggy) run some fancy evaporated gold test on the dead girl’s dress to uncover lost evidence. They find a child’s handprint. So, as I was saying, it was one of the rich brothers—in fact, the only rich brother we’ve seen. He tries to flee dramatically in the company helicopter, but the pilot puts it down because this is what happens when you don’t pay your employees well and treat them like shit.

Also, this is what happens when Jane deploys both the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and Aviators of Sexy Justice at the same time. Like, seriously, bad guys don’t stand a chance.

So the case is solved, and Maura comes to Jane to tell her she was right. No, not about her disastrous decision to hire another beard. No, not about her cowardly fleeing from Boston and the love whose name she still dares not speak. But about Maura needing a change of scenery/revenge on her girlfriend. So she announces that she is going to Paris—for a whole month.

Jane realizes she has made a huge mistake. Sure, she is moving away. But she knows Maura will follow—for regular weekend visits at the least. But now a whole month apart while Maura checks out French girls in cafes? Unacceptable! Zut alors!

Just then Mr. F-Beard-I appears out of nowhere. Does he have a homing signal for whenever Maura is near Jane now? Crotch Blocking them whenever possible is not, repeat NOT, part of the contract. The good news is he is leaving abruptly to work on a case. Buh-bye. No one will miss you. Zero missing. Zero.

So now Jane has a free evening to spend with Maura. But instead of cuddling on the couch they go to the Dirty Robber to hang with the group because the televisions gods are cruel and spiteful beings who don’t want us to be happy. They do throw us a tiny bone with Jane speaking fake French and making Maura laugh. I said it was tiny.

The gang’s all there, and everyone is smiling and pretending they love their happy endings. Nina tells Frankie she won them a free honeymoon (damn, and all algorithms do for me is mess up my Instagram feed) and Frankie has turned his grandmother’s earrings into a ring. Fine, it’s cute, but again—wrong Rizzoli couple.

But then Korsak ruins it by announcing his retirement. Everyone congratulates him. Maura speaks some real French and Jane speaks some fake French to cover for the fact that she’s incredibly turned on by it. And they drink more wine, and we have to drink more wine because what the hell else can we do?

And now for your very, very, very displeased #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Consensus: everyone wishes they had a razor to shave off that dumb-ass beard.

– Agathe Rigault (@MissColombine) August 30, 2016

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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