“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: The Goodbye Gossip Girl

After 30 fourth-act ragers, a hundred counts of breaking and entering, thousands of liters of under-aged alcohol consumption, a pregnancy scare, an eating disorder, a prostitution ring, dozens of flights to and from Europe, two expulsions, a billion bottles of Vitamin Water, countless hours of Bass cross-pollination, one night at a burlesque club and far too few murder confessions, it’s time for St. Jude/Constance Billiard’s graduation day.

Over breakfast, Serena tells Blair she is so over Gossip Girl and high school and the paparazzi, and she can’t wait to get to Brown where she can just fit in with all the other nine-foot, long-legged, blonde-haired billionaires. Blair laughs, commiserates, then shoves Serena in the back of a town car before allowing the aforementioned paparazzi to snap a few shots of her commencement headband.

(The theme of this episode is set in the first scene, and that theme is this: Serena’s boobs are out of control. They threaten to fall out of the sides of this dress, and then explode over the top of the ones later in the episode. It’s, frankly, terrifying.)

At graduation, Nelly Yuki & Co. tell Jenny that she’s in the running to be next year’s queen. They introduce her to her competition, who goes, "Nice to meet you, Little J" as Jenny towers over her by a good eleven inches. Elsewhere in Sad Sack Humphreyville, Dan’s name has been left out of the graduation program, and a little scrap of paper has been added instead: "Congratulations, Don!"

Just as the ceremony is getting underway, Gossip Girl sends out a blast, prompting all the graduates to awesomely pull their cell phones out from under their robes. While Headmistress Queller is telling them that if they put their minds to it, everyone in the room can be president, the students are reading the superlatives Gossip Girl has assigned to them: Nate Archibald, class whore; Dan Humphrey, the ultimate insider; Chuck Bass, coward; Blair Waldorf, weakling; "And as for Serena van der Woodsen, after today, you are officially irrelevant."

Nate is like, "Fair enough." Dan is like, "Who, me? No." in the manner of a supermodel in fresh couture going, "What, this old thing? It makes me look like a beach ball!" Chuck and Blair are equally pissed about the truth of the thing. And Serena’s like, "Irrelevant? Irrelevant?! My tassel is braided into my hair!"

At Nate’s graduation party, the UES Four decide it’s time to take Gossip Girl down. They use their collective brainpower to determine that GG is a senior, and therefore in this very room. In another room, Lily is telling Rufus she doesn’t have time for his petulant shenanigans, and why did they break up anyway? His mouth literally says these words: "You tried to give me money behind my back when I said no." God, Lily, don’t you remember? You tried to help me provide my children with a first-class education, but I will let them catch rats and cook them for dinner before I’ll take money from your dead husband, who had so much of it, by the way, that he literally kept gold bars in his office!

Serena tries and fails to out Gossip Girl, but does discover that Eric’s boyfriend has "hacked into her server." And because Gossip Girl enjoys vengeance like Blair and God, she empties her tip box, laying everyone’s crap bare at Nate’s graduation party. Blair is caught unawares in the middle of her hundredth attempt to wrest the words "I love you" from Chuck. Chuck is like, "You slept with my uncle? Wow, boner-killer." So Blair goes ballistic on Serena about how this is all her fault! Serena vows to fix it, and Nate follows her and her boobs to 1 Oak, because even he knows his party jumped the shark when Nelly Yuki confessed her feelings for Dan.

Chuck tells Blair he doesn’t love her — again. Blair cries that one soul-crushing tear — again. And this scene works on me — again.

Drunk on that Brazilian beer Dan and Vanessa got trolleyed on a few episodes ago, and high on something Lily found in Chuck’s room, Rufus proposes. Lily says yes, because that is her thing, and Rufus turns an old Lincoln Hawk concert bracelet into an engagement ring. I can’t wait until next season when Kelly Rutherford isn’t pregnant anymore and we can see her whole self again.

In a bathroom somewhere, Blair tells Jenny that she’s her pick for queen. Jenny’s like, "I just want to go to high school without wanting to kill myself every day." So Blair gives her a little speech about how Anne Boleyn only thought with her heart, which left her headless, so her daughter, Queen Elizabeth I, married her country. See, because you can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you. Blair is, of course, projecting her own emotions onto the Virgin Queen, and anyway, everyone knows Elizabeth I was a lesbian.

The entire graduating class shows up at 1 Oak, and every time a new person walks in the room Nate goes, "You’re Gossip Girl?!" Once they’re all assembled, Gossip Girl blasts again about how she’s their fairy godmother, and stop looking for her because she’s not only omnipresent, but also omniscient, which are two of God’s three defining attributes, and she’ll see them next year at college.

And just like that, the show is reset.

One week later, Nate agrees to go backpacking in Europe with Vanessa, even though he couldn’t find Europe on a map if it was just a map of Europe. Georgina shows up at NYU, and asks to room with her best friend, Blair Waldorf. (Please let that happen!) Dan and Lily’s ’90s lovechild stalks Dan with a creepy picture of Lily and Rufus tucked into a book. Carter Bazien has found Serena’s dad, so the two of them go frolicking off to Europe, too. Jenny gets the queen headband, and immediately abolishes headbands. And then the most awesome thing of all:

"Season of Love" starts playing as Blair walks down the street. It is the most perfect song this show has ever chosen in two seasons of choosing perfect songs. (Every question/Every answer too/Ever constant/Ever changing view.) Chuck stands outside his limo, laden with gifts. Blair asks him what he’s doing there, and they do that dance they do. Finally he says the thing he’s been saying since their night at Victorla: "I love you." He says it again and again and again. Blair laughs, they kiss. The camera carries us out over Central Park, and Gossip Girl decides, for once, someone is saying it better than her. "Love, love, love," sings Shiny Toy Guns. "XOXO," says Gossip Girl.