Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Korsak announces his retirement. Jane test drives her beard. Maura cries into her wine. We join her.
Well, my friends, this is it. We’ve arrived at the end. We’ve spent seven sometimes-thrilling, sometimes-frustrating, always-hopeful years together watching television’s most totally gay not-gay show. And now, we have reached the end of our journey. With that let us once more into the subtext breach, my friends.
So this is new. One-hundred-and-five episodes in and this show can still somehow surprise us. Instead of opening with a grisly/bizarre/violent/disgusting murder, the show opens with Maura and Jane reminiscing about all the grisly/bizarre/violent/disgusting murders they’ve worked on together. Maura is making a Faces of Death scrapbook for her girlfriend, which I guess is how medical examiners do grand romantic gestures.
They get into it, bringing up some of their greatest hits like the sex party and the Revolutionary War reenactment and the high school reunion where they ended up arresting Dana Fairbanks. Ah, memories. Maura says she is going to miss Jane, which requires no subtextdar to see is true. Jane tells her she’s not gone yet. And then they give us one last synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone greeting before heading off on their last case.
The corpse of the week is a bloated, bald dude tied to bed in nothing but red satin boxers. Well, if you wanted to ensure neither Maura or Jane felt attracted to the opposite sex anymore — this would be the way to do it. Thanks, show, for reaffirming my homosexuality. A photo on the dresser indicates he is also opposite-sex married, but his wife and her suitcase are missing.
Jane makes a crack about Maura going on the lam with plenty of clean underwear — Maura pretends that would be the case. But we all know she’d go commando, especially if she was Thelma & Louise-ing it with Jane. The victim was decapitated, with his head still attached. It’s an orthopedic decapitation also known as an “Atlanto-Occipital Dislocation.” Ah, how I will not miss Googling the spelling of the crazy medical terms uttered by Dr. Maura Isles.
Jane wonders whether Atlantis-Occupied Locomotion can happen in a weird sex game and Maura says she can’t say. That’s mostly because they’ve never tried that particular game together, and Maura believes firmly in the scientific testing method. But this being the end and all, Jane coerces her into giving just one little guess. The way Maura folds, you know she is secretly extremely used to giving into Jane’s begging.
Outside Frankie is interviewing the neighbors. The local busybody is giving him helpful/unhelpful information when her son walks up. Holy jazz hands, it’s bully-turned- sensitive-boyfriend Dave Karofsky. Just when you thought this show couldn’t possibly get any gayer, they Glee it up.
Jane arrives at The Dirty Robber because Mama Rizzoli has something “important” to give her. No, it isn’t the dog-eared copy of “Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café” that Mama R used to finally understand what an LBFF relationship really means, complete with her personalized inscription to Jane reading: “Go be with your Ruth.” Instead it’s a leopard-print suitcase.
Mama R says, “It reminded me of you.” I’m going to assume this is because of all of the bad guys Jane has chased down in her life and not that she gives off a sexy mom who shops at Chico’s vibe. Also, sometimes a mother’s gift isn’t really a gift, but a gentle guilt bomb meant to make one’s adult children feel terrible about their life decisions. So in this case, make that a guilt bomb in leopard print.
Speaking of terrible life decisions, Kent has somehow turned even weirder and creepier. He is sneaking around and stalking/recording people without their permission — which I think is probably illegal. He catches Nina and Frankie talking about their engagement and instead of immediately erasing the tape he keeps it ensuring this is the horrible way everyone is going to find out they’re getting married.
Jane goes to find Maura because soon it’ll take a road trip or a plane ride to be able to drop in on each other and flirt face-to-face. Looks like they both got a “gift” from Mama R in animal prints. After Maura finds out Jane’s is leopard print she lists off her lady’s big cat characteristics: intelligent, strong, elusive secretive and beautiful. Though, we have known forever that Maura thinks Jane is gorgeous — right, my friend?
Jane soaks in the compliment and says she’s sorry Maura is a “turtle” back. And, for old time’s sake, Maura corrects her with “tortoise.” Some people flirt by batting their eyes or tossing their hair, Jane Rizzoli flirts by intentionally misidentifying hard-shelled reptiles.
They continue what could possibly be their last dead body flirt, and then Jane asks her if she’d ever run out of “crazy medical terms” to tell her. Read: Would you ever run out of code ways to say you love me? Maura replies, “Would you let the door hit you in the face as you entered?” Read: If the Eskimo have 50 words for snow us gay gals can have at least as many ways to secretly say I love you. As Jane leaves she fake hits herself in the face with the door. Read: I love you right back, baby.
Creepy Stalker Kent continues to try to record people’s goodbye messages. Nina is first. Look, this would all be a lot more emotional if that doofus wasn’t behind the camera and everyone knows it. Meanwhile Korsak begins to pack up his desk because today is suddenly his last day thanks to sick time and vacation hours. Jane hates watching him leave, and eventually offers him $1,000 to stop packing. Hey, I have to move soon. Will someone please offer me money to stop packing, too?
Back at the Robber, Ron is taking a video voyeur page out of Kent’s book and secretly recording Mama R talking about everyone leaving. The party is — surprise, surprise — for Jane and Maura as well. So she starts talking about how she used to make Jane and Frankie come home for Sunday dinners. And then Maura started coming, too. Then Korsak and Kiki came. And now Nina. So, basically, all the couples gathered for dinner together with their significant others. Love, and lasagna, makes a family.
Speaking of family, Nina tricks Jane into Skyping with her mom. She has been teaching Mama R to videoconference and it’s kind of cute. It’s like how my mother always tells me to “do the Google” when she wants me to look something up online for her. But Jane doesn’t like the idea because her Skype sessions are for Maura’s eyes only.
Maura’s eyes are currently busy getting frustrated by her inability to find the lab supplies where they should be. Kent tells her he has already moved some things around for his convenience. Dude, she is only leaving for a month. Get over yourself. When Jane comes in — even without knowing his transgression — she treats him with the contempt and grumpiness he so rightly deserves. Her dislike of Kent is one of the show’s true norths.
The case leads them to a strip club in Chinatown. Creepy Kent gets creepily excited that Jane might be going undercover as a stripper. Maura is like, idiot, this is a gay women pretending to be a straight woman who went undercover as a gay woman. You think pretending to be a stripper scares her? Janey is all, “I’ll get the tassels — did I leave them under the bed again, honey?”
So now it’s Korsak’s turn to try to make us cry on camera. Again, Kent is a ruiner and Korsak stands in for fandom by asking, “Do you get punched a lot?” Hey, I’d pay $1,000 to get to punch Kent — just putting it out there.
Jane, who is most clearly wearing tassels under her blazer, heads to the Second Pleasure Asian strip club with Korsak. If it weren’t for the horrible sexual exploitation, I’d say they were scouting venues for their going away party. The skeazy host spots them and tries to shoo Jane out because “lady friends” are not allowed in the club. Ha, buddy, if you only knew.
The skeazy host (a.k.a. Mr. Jenna Elfman) calls himself a “matchmaker” because it’s shorter to put on a business card than “Asian mail-order bride service provider.” But he at least points them in the direction of the runaway/possibly murderous bride. Her aunt (who works at a Chinese restaurant because all the stereotypical dry cleaning jobs were already taken, apparently) tells them she has already left the country. But then they see the woman trying to unsubtly flee. So we get one final patented Jane Rizzoli chase down/stand down.
Maura is pacing her office fretting about what to say in her goodbye video. Kent offers some spectacularly unrelated suggestions, and then tells her to speak from the heart. So she does. She says how this has been an incredible adventure. And how this is the big family she never had. And she ends it by saying just this once she is willing to speculate and say, “I’ll love you and I’ll never forget you.”
Did it get to dusty in here? My eyes, so much everything is in my eyes. Maura has it, too. And says what we’re all thinking anyway, “I’m really sad.”
The parade of melancholy feelings continues as Jane eyes Korsak’s too-tidy desk and Frost’s too-alone action figure. For all this show does to frustrate, the way it has called back and honored Barry Frost and Lee Thompson Young continues to be a class act. Next they to ceremonially pass Korsak’s desk on to Frankie — sorry, make that Det. Frank Rizzoli.
Jane and Maura look on like proud parents watching their kid walk into kindergarten for the first time. Hey, remember when Jane and Maura almost had a baby but instead decided to foster a kid? Yeah, this show could sure be full bananas.
Right, so let’s blast through our final case blah-blah-blahs because even if that dude from Glee is on it, it’s not nearly as gay as else is happening this episode. The team figures out the wife and Karofsky were in love and running away together from her abusive husband. He caught them, came after them, slipped and hit his head on the car bumper. So the murdered guy murdered himself. Awesome, case solved — lets all go eat some penis cake.
But first, Jane walks over and gives Frankie Frost’s action figure. She says it should stay with him and that they would have been partners by now. But instead the figure now stands, like a sentinel watching over him, always at attention. Like I was saying, classy.
Jane ends her day in Maura’s office. She begs her phone to ring so they can give us one more synchronized greeting for the road. She pretends her reluctance to leave is about not wanting to go to Mama R’s “surprise” party. But we all know the real reason. Girl, you did this to yourself. You, and you alone, decided you wanted a change of scenery. You, and you alone, convinced yourself in a new place you could be brave and start over. You, and you alone, haven’t come out of the damn closet yet.
Jane counts it down, and then her watch is over — but without all the stabbing and resurrecting. Maura can’t believe it has really come to an end. Jane tells her, “We had some good times though.” Cue montage of eye sex, Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, Adorable Bickersons-ing and general outrageous flirting.
And then there’s the moment we knew that Jane Clementine Rizzoli and Maura Dorthea Isles were madly, truly deeply in love with each other. The moment Jane taught Maura to hold her gun like a badass. Yep, they’re that gay.
Maura starts to get choked up, but Jane commands her to stop. Sure, leave your girlfriend and then get mad at her when she cries. Bad Girlfriend, no Penis Cake! Jane reassured Maura that, “Our locations are changing, that’s it.” In other words: They’re still a couple, Jane is still hiding it, they’re very much in love, Jane is still denying it. You know, just all seven seasons of this show — in a nutshell.
Jane leaves to go get dressed like Angie Harmon for the farewell party. Maura says she is right behind her, but pauses to give one last long glance at the autopsy room and then quietly, purposefully turns off the lights. Folks, I get and appreciate the symbolism, but she is supposed to only be gone for a month. Unless, of course, Maura knows something we don’t know — like she plans to actually quit and move to D.C. with Jane after her month is over. Then, then it all makes sense.
Now Korsak, on the other hand — he is leaving the building for good. He hopes to slink away quietly, but Jane catches him and won’t let a distinguished 32-year career end with nobody noticing. So she grabs a police radio and has him make his final call, ending it with “Ocean Frank” — police scanner code for “signing off.” So now the episode title makes sense and it has nothing to do with Frank Ocean’s new album.
Dammit, it’s so dusty in here again. So damn dusty.
Jane is about to leave and wheel her leopard-self out of the office, but Kent comes to ruin the moment with a sock puppet. Yes, a fucking sock puppet. Once more, with all of the feeling — they killed Senior Criminalist Susie Chang for this? He tells Jane there’s 40 seconds left on his video for her to record her goodbye on or he’ll fill it with sock puppet theater.
Jane looks him dead in the eye and speaks for all of Rizzles fandom when she says, “I am not going to miss you.”
So now it’s time to party. The Penis Cake is now a palm tree cake with the biggest coconuts you’ve ever seen. Kent’s video is playing and, of fucking course, the footage of Frankie and Nina talking about their engagement comes on because Kent is the worst. Everyone congratulates them and Maura immediately gives Nina tips on how to be a Rizzoli spouse.
And then Jane’s video comes on. She speaks from the heart, with extra rasp. And then fucking Kent and his fucking sock puppet comes in because, again, he is the fucking worst. But at least Jane says it, for all to hear: “I love you.” They give each other a little quickie across-the-room eye sex as it plays. So there you have it. Maura said she loves Jane. Jane says she loved Maura. It’s right there on video forever and always. Along with that dumbass goddamn sock puppet.
So now the party is over and Jane is lying on Maura’s bed watching her. That’s not something I made up in some Gayzzoli fever dream, that’s what is actually happening. Jane watches as the woman she loves packs her suitcase for Paris. She watches as the woman she loves goes through her meticulous checklist. She watches as the woman she loves say it will be “too emotional” to say goodbye to her at the airport.
And then Jane Rizzoli, knowing this is her very last chance to give us a Big Gayzzoli Ending, pulls out her own plane ticket and says, “I know!” Yep, our girls are going to Paris together. You know, no biggie, it’s just like the most romantic city in the whole wide world. (No offense, Akron.)
Jane has used Maura’s miles to buy herself a first class ticket to the City of Light and Lesbianism. Remember when Maura told Jane she’d never been with a French woman? Well does being with a woman in France count? The look on Maura’s face says yes.
Maura squeals some more and then crawls in bed with Jane. Again, verbatim that is what just happened. People sometimes ask how I got into writing about the subtext of this show and I say, look, I didn’t invent this subtext — the show literally put them in bed together and dared us not to notice. (And one other thing I definitely noticed — Maura’s bedroom is completely different from the first season.)
They make more high-pitched happy noises (ahem) and talk about all the fun they’ll have in Paris. Maura tells Jane she has to go home and pack. Jane says she is already packed: jeans, sweatpants, T-shirts, toothbrush. Maura is appalled because what’s the point of taking your hot girlfriend to Paris if you can’t show her off a little? Well, you know, besides the sex.
So now their itinerary is: drink a bunch of wine, eat some smelly cheese, look at old French things and do it in every arrondissement in the city. Now that’s what I call the perfect honeymoon. C’est magnifique! Maura says this is not how she saw the next chapter of their lives starting. Funny, this is exactly how I saw the next chapter of their lives starting. Jane and Maura in bed together, like the first time we saw them, bickering and flirting and generally being just so stupid in love it hurts.
There are so many things I’ll miss about this show — The Adorable Bickersons, The Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, The Eye Sex, The Ponytail of Righteous Justice, The Aviators of Sexy Justice, The Synchronized Phone Greetings, The Great Turtle/Tortoise Debate, The Dead Body Flirting, The Big Gayzzoli Endings — but what I think I will miss most of all is you, the Gayzzoli Family. You helped make writing about this show for seven years the most fun and rewarding and welcoming experience. You guys are amazing and it has been a true honor going on this ridiculous ride together. So thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my Rizzles heart. With that, here are your supersized final #gayzzoli tweets of the week.
last #gayzzoli I’m already crying
– Brandi (@Smooth_Rayne) September 6, 2016
I’m gonna miss the synchronised phone answering.. #gayzzoli
– Megan O (@BeckettFan) September 6, 2016
Oh, but we are going to miss Jane’s chase scenes. #Gayzzoli #Rizzles
– Tex Bard (@Texbard) September 6, 2016
#gayzzoli I’ll miss that Rizzoli Swagger most of all… Guess I’ll just have to go back to the Benson Swag.
– Jonta Davis (@jonidavell) September 6, 2016
This show can be kinda iffy in many areas, but Maura was always an adorkable cinnamon roll. I’mma miss it. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Kristen (@hachiemachie) September 6, 2016
#gayzzoli was the reason I joined Twitter. Where will I get my subtext fix now? (Jk it’s everywhere.) #RizzoliandIsles
– Jenny (@TVtrashJen) September 6, 2016
Just one kiss. For the love of G-d…just one. PLEASE. #RizzoliandIsles #SeriesFinale #Gayzzoli
– Ellie Dee (@EllieDee81) September 6, 2016
Not going to lie, it’s still hard to look at Frost’s robot action figure. #Gayzzoli
– Tom B (@AnistonAnarchis) September 6, 2016
Is Mama R planning a surprise engagement party for Jane and Maura?? #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Audi (@AudiM27) September 6, 2016
Mama Riz confirmed her kids & their significant others come to weekly Sunday dinner! It only took 7 yrs for #gayzzoli confirmation #thanksma
– Annette Miller (@trihardannette) September 6, 2016
“Turtle.”
“Tortoise.”
This is the Rizzles version of “As you wish.” #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Em Arch (@rudy0924) September 6, 2016
Maura is imagining the last time she saw the tassels. I know it #gayzzoli
– ..Caitlin.. (@IdentityTokens) September 6, 2016
Maura seems awfully happy about the idea of Jane going undercover as a stripper. #gayzzoli
– Michelle Arnold (@Berry2120) September 6, 2016
“I’ll get my tassles” jane knows what excites her LLBFF #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– KayLyne (@KayLyne) September 6, 2016
J: im going undercover as a stripper
M:*runs to ATM, throws debit card at screen* WHY DOES THIS THING NOT DISPENSE ONES #gayzzoli #rizzles
– Lauren (@L_Ren_Iishi) September 6, 2016
Maura’s Video Never Forget. TL;DR “Jane, I love you” #rizzles #rizzoliandisles #gayzzoli
– Never Forget Bot (@forgetmebot) September 6, 2016
“This adventure has made me more alive.” Us too Maura, us too.#RizzoliandIsles #rizzles #gayzzoli @sashaalexander #beautiful #FromTheHeart
– RizzoliOnIsles (@RizzOnIsles) September 6, 2016
Sasha is living up to her title as the captain of our ship lololol #RizzoliandIsles #rizzles #gayzzoli
– Nicolette (@doubledutch217) September 6, 2016
#Gayzzoli – even their cake is a beard
– Lisa Stein (@RhoneGallagher) September 6, 2016
Haven’t seen Rizzoli & Isles in three seasons, but no matter how much “penis” cake Jane wants to eat, she & Maura are still #gayzzoli af.
– jaybear1701 (@jaybear1701) September 6, 2016
Oh, I appreciate the montage of flirting. Because that’s what ALL OF THAT WAS. #gayzzoli
– Xan (@Xanadugrrl) September 6, 2016
Regardless of how this ends, Jane & Maura will always be together to those of us who love them #gayzzoli #rizzles #rizzoliandisles
– Avenger280 (@ChuChu353) September 6, 2016
THE LAST SCENE WAS ON A BED! Again, the gayest non-gay show. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– enginerd (@enginerd_90) September 6, 2016
Thanks #gayzzoli crew! It has been fun laughing, crying, and groaning with all of you.
– Warrior Princess (@DrunkMaryPoppin) September 6, 2016
It ends in bed and a honeymoon in Paris. Now that’s what I call a big #Gayzzoli ending #RizzoliandIsles
– That1time (@KaiKomAilonKru) September 6, 2016
So Rizzoli & Isles ends with Jane and Maura literally in bed together…that’s about as #Gayzzoli as it gets folks!
– Kate Terry (@reckingfolkie) September 6, 2016
They’re going to the most romantic city ever. we may not have seen a kiss, but they allowed us to keep rizzles alive forever #gayzzoli
– GAYZZOLI (@GayzzoliForever) September 6, 2016
Congrats to @RizzoliIslesTNT for seven years of the greatest modern romance on cable television. #farewellrizzoliandisles #gayzzoli
– Karyn Ben Singer (@kbenwrites) September 6, 2016
Farewell #Gayzzoli family. pic.twitter.com/WX8t6070DV
– Nat (@Doccubus_Nat) September 6, 2016
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