“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” coming to a theater near you – with a huge catch

So, let’s play a little game. What if I were to say there might be a new Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie? Oh my God, jumping up and down, squealing. What if I were to say Sarah Michelle Gellar wasn’t going to be in it? Disappointment, worry, though maybe hope if the other Scoobies were involved. What if I were to say none of the TV cast was included? Wait, what? What if I were to say Joss Whedon wasn’t even a part of it? Expletive deleted.

Now imagine those aren’t hypothetical questions and you have the strange reality facing every Buffy fan. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the franchise could be in for a reboot minus all the parts we know and love. The new Buffy movie that would be a “remake or relaunch” à la the new Star Trek film. Weird, I’m struck with the sudden urge to stab something with a pointy object.

Director Fran Rubel Kuzui and her husband, Kaz Kuzui, have held the rights to Buffy since the original 1992 movie starring Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry. They worked with Joss on the film and retained executive producer credits throughout the TV series. Now Kuzui has teamed with the producers behind the American remakes of Asian hits like The Ring and The Grudge, to “restart the story line without trampling on the beloved existing universe created by Whedon.”

Yeah, good luck with that. Anyone else feel stabbed in the gut?

Now, granted, the mythology that Joss created does say that into each generation a slayer is born. So, theoretically, a new film could follow a new slayer in another time and place. But, um, then it wouldn’t be Buffy the Vampire Slayer, would it? It would be Alice or Shontelle or Gabriella the Vampire Slayer.

Also, um, not to get all technical again but that’s already been done, too. It was called Fray.

The article goes on to say the goal would be to “make a darker, event-sized movie that would, of course, have franchise potential.” Hey, Buffy was pretty darn dark. She killed her boyfriend. She died. She came back. She saved the world, a lot.

Also, did you meet Dark Willow? Hello, it’s in her name. Sheesh.

Apparently, all of the original film’s producers have been contacted except Joss. Though, Kuzui said she didn’t rule out his possible involvement in the future. She also told the Hollywood Reporter, “Everything has its moment. Every movie takes on a life at some point, and this seems like the moment to do this.”

Does it seem like the moment or did she see how much bank the new Enterprise crew made at the box office? Look, I have nothing against reimaginings when the original concept has grown stale or enough time has passed to warrant a reboot. But I have everything against reimagining something that isn’t broken or even old. And I’m darn right offended that they’d try it without Joss and any of the Scoobies.

I say we help Kuzui and company out and rename the film for them: Buffy the Craven Attempt to Make More Money From the Vampire Slayer. Sure, it’s long but at least it’s honest.

So, what do you think of this new, Joss-free Buffy movie? Excited? Confused? Expletive deleted? Discuss.