RachelWatch: Egypt and Denial

Today: Obama speaks in Egypt and the Liz Cheney speaks with a forked tongue.

President Barack Hussein Obama

Rachel led off with President Obama’s speech in Egypt and gave a handy rundown of the many moments that left people around the world thoroughly gobsmacked.

She then welcomed Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski, former National Security Advisor to President Carter, who seemed genuinely impressed. I think you should be allowed to get an “I impressed Zbigniew Brzezinski” tattoo if you can manage that.

Dr. Brzezinski seemed hopeful about rebuilding relations with the Middle East after that speech. I wonder how he felt about his daughter giving Liz Cheney several minutes to secrete mucus on it during Morning Joe.

Jailhouse Box of Rocks

Scott Roeder, the accused murderer of Dr. George Tiller, is complaining that he’s being treated like a criminal. So it looks like the sanctity of life isn’t the only concept he’s unclear on.

Resistance is Futile

Well, now they’ve done it. Rogue Republicans said one too many crazy racist, reverse-racist, and a dash of sexist for good measure things about Judge Sonia Sotomayor, so the Obama administration has unleashed the awesome power of Michelle Obama. Her upper arms alone are more charismatic than Newt Gingrich.

Rachel ran a touching segment of a FLOTUS speech in which the First Lady empathized with Sotomayor’s experience at Princeton. Holy cats, it’s all true! Oh, that pernicious empathy! Oh, well. White guys, please report to Washington to surrender your car keys and be fitted for implant chips.

NPR’s legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg dropped in to talk about the possibility of the New Haven firefighters decision being reversed, and the comforting fact that the white-guy collars only itch when you struggle.

Random Neural Firing

During the commercials, MSNBC ran some heelarious promo footage of people being horrifically injured. And you can watch a whole show of that if you want! Criminy, MSNBC, try to maintain a little dignity on the weekends. Run some old sitcoms or something.

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that Osama bin Laden struck back at charisma juggernaut Barack Obama’s speech by releasing a statement that Obama is secretly Jewish.

Well, no wonder the guy is so busy — that makes two secret religions Obama has to keep up with in addition to the overt Christianity. That must eat up his weekends something fierce.

I know the smart money is on Satanism for his next secret religion, but I’m sort of hoping he mixes it up a little bit. Closet Shintoism or covert membership in a cargo cult.

Rachel also delivered a sharp thwack to the ear of Governor-and-not-Presidential-hopeful Tim Pawlenty (R – Minnesota), who is, for no particular reason, stepping up the rhetoric. Pawlenty compared the United States under Obama to corrupt South American regimes during the 70’s.

Can we move it to the ‘40s? Because then Mrs. Obama would at least get to do some balcony singing.

Get Me Rewrite

Rachel continued her coverage of the Liz ‘n’ Dick Old-Time Traveling Medicine Show.

Liz Cheney is now – apparently completely unafraid that lightning might strike her – alleging that Big Mean Liberal Liars are saying that the Bush administration claimed a connection between Saddam Hussein and 9/11, when they would never in a jillion years do such a thing!

OK, I love Liz ‘n’ Dick as a horror/comedy/musical variety act, but in this case their timing is off. Clearly Liz wasn’t supposed to say all this until Dick had finished conking everyone in the temple with a mallet.

Newsweek’s excellent Michael Isikoff dropped in to marvel at the audacity.

Watch Liz Cheney’s poking gestures at the top of this clip. Do you think she is a relaxed, type-B personality who talks with her hands, or do you think she’s trying to redirect the constant stabbing impulses?

I used to feel some compassion for Liz Cheney. If I were faced with the knowledge that my dad was a war criminal whose outstanding life achievement was introducing torture into United States policy, I might engage in a little rationalization and shrill defensiveness myself.

I mean, yes, I was going to suggest that news producers stop putting her on television so much and maybe kick in to the Get Some Freaking Therapy fund I was setting up instead, but overall I could see that she was in a bad spot, and I was willing to entertain the notion that the torrent of venom and deception spewing out of her mouth at least sprang from a good place.

But now it’s clear that she’s just cold lying, and she has to know it. Congratulations on your life choices, Ms. Cheney.

To sum up the current best Republican strategies: Cover your overt racist attacks by accusing the other person of racism, and cover your blatant, easily debunked lies by accusing the other side of lying.

I don’t know about you, but I’m skipping the next CPAC luncheon if the Republicans start throwing around allegations of cannibalism.

Rachel Re: May 35th

Rachel took a look at the worrying case of imprisoned journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee and the fact that their best hope may lie in another totalitarian nation.

Just Enough

Kent Jones made the evening of all the anthropology dorks in the audience (OK: me) by confirming that great apes like a good chuckle as much as we do. You might be expecting some bad puns about the relative amusement value of a cask of primates, but you’ll be spared those because I’m enough of an anthropology nerd to insist that apes should not be confused with monkeys.

Kent didn’t mention whether lesser apes were included in the study, but I’m sure they enjoy a good laugh when they’re gibbon the chance.

Cocktail Moment

Because continuing education is so important in these uncertain economic times, Rachel pointed her viewers to a scholarly website that allows you to earn a skill certificate right online.

Don’t click the link at work unless your boss is childish too.