Rachel Melvin to play a possible love interest for Claire on “Heroes”

Remember Heroes, that extraordinary show showcasing the lives of extraordinary humans that quickly turned into a mediocre show full of extraodinarily baffling non-sequiturs? Well, here’s the latest spoiler from the beleaguered series.

Apparently, Claire (Hayden Panettiere) may become involved in a lesbian storyline in the new season, as IGN reports:

Days of Our Lives actress Rachel Melvin will also be joining Season 4 playing a character named “Annie.” Annie “also will share sleeping quarters (and maybe more) with Claire.” So, of course, it’s the “and maybe more” in parenthesis that intrigues us.

Could they really be gearing up for a lesbian storyline for Claire?

So will The Cheerleader come out in a sea of glitter and rainbows, finally tell her amoral horned-rimmed adoptive dad to “shove it” and run off in sapphic ecstasy with Annie, where they will fight crime together like a female version of Batman and Robin, the original homoerotic partners in crime?

That scenario is about as likely as Beth Ditto and Katy Perry marrying in Iowa.

First, lasting lesbian relationships in the media are about as common as golden unicorns. Strike one!

Furthermore, Heroes is known for its schizophrenic plotlines and characters that appear and disappear within two or three episodes. (Remember Angela Petrelli’s crazy girl-woman hermit sister, who appeared with no warning during the end of the last season and exited just as quickly and perplexingly as she arrived? Oh wait — of course not, because I’m the only one still who watches this show.)

Should Claire’s anticipated same-sex romance come into fruition, Annie will most likely get turned into a smoldering pile of carbon for no reason at all, or it will be revealed that she is actually a villain whose mission is to neutralize Claire. Strike two.

Finally, what is a common last ditch plot instrument that producers like to reach for when a show is showing signs of becoming terminally ill? A pivotal character having a lesbian fling of course! (See, for example, Marissa and Alex in The OC.) Strike three!

So Claire will probably make out with Annie, and everything will be hunky dory for an episode or two, and then Annie will die — or turn into the reincarnation of Medusa and try to turn Claire into stone.

Well, hopefully Claire and Annie will have a hot makeout session or two. Or three. Tim Kring can at least give us that.