“Gimme Sugar: Miami” mini-cap 2.1: “Bienvenidos a Miami”

Gimme Sugar Season 1 featured a small group of young L.A. lesbians with interesting hair, no filters, and a desire to launch the hottest girl club in West Hollywood. When they weren’t “working,” the girls’ were consumed with hook-ups, break-ups, fights and make-ups. In other words, just another weekend in the aptly named section of Los Angeles known as Weho.

How did that go? As they say, “If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola.” The girls couldn’t make their club dreams come true. Charlene, the leader of the pack, went to work as the MC and host of Truck Stop, a popular girl party run by real promoters.

In the premiere of Season 2, “Char,” as she’s called, has a meeting with her Truck Stop bosses, Linda, Michelle and their matching boots.

Linda scolds Char about slacking and being M.I.A. and says they’ve been considering firing her ass. Char tears up (she’s a crier) and reveals she had a break-up, as if that’s any kind of excuse.

Instead of firing Char, Linda and Michelle give her a chance to redeem herself: Go to Florida and set up Truck Stop: Miami. Great. One more city where Char can howl, “Laadieeeeesss!” on the mic every 20 minutes. Well, that’s one way to scare away the Cuban refugee boats.

Later at home, Char hangs out with her BFF, Alex. Alex’s official LOGO bio states, “In order to look smart, Alex likes to read in public — but don’t be fooled, her favorite reads are coloring books.” Someone in publicity is having fun. Char tells Alex she’s going to Miami for work. Alex looks slightly confused and I suddenly realize her bio is real.

Miami? What’s a “yami”?

Alex accuses Char of acting like “a runaway, like a Peter Pan, like a Lost Boy,” and whatever else is on her Netflix right now. She threatens to give Char a big going-away party, but Char says she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s leaving town – as if anyone can keep a secret in West Hollywood.

During Char’s last night hosting Truck Stop, the rest of the girls find out about Miami. Davonee, who works the door, decides she wants to go, too, because God forbid a lesbian can go anywhere alone. Linda appears with shots and champagne for everyone, catching the end of the conversation. She takes Char and Davonee outside where Davonee pleads her case.

Davonee: She doesn’t want to go by herself. She needs —

Linda:[to Char] You’re going to be working the entire time.

Char:I know. And I need somebody that I know.

Linda:You need someone who knows Miami.

Char:That’s true.

Linda:[to Davonee] You don’t know Miami.

Davonee:But I can get to know Miami!

Linda tells Davonee she has to stay home because she’s their “eye-candy.” The Sour Patch Kid thinks that’s “so stupid” and whines so hard, the veins in her neck pop out like little gummy worms. Someone get Linda a drink.

The next day, Char is in Miami. She waits and waits at the door of her new digs, but her roommate, Hilary, has more important things to do than be home to let her in. Hilary finally calls to say she and her friends are down on the beach. Char wanders out onto the sand with trepidation, where she meets Hilary and her pack of bikini-wearing pals. Let’s meet them.

Jazmin is a hair stylist and “extension expert” who looks like she did a face plant in a bowl of bleach. According to her bio, she “plans to live way past 150 years, and her biggest goal in life is to one day be “perfect.” Oh, to be 23 again.

Then there’s Gaby, a recent fashion school grad with a clothing line called, “GAG on This.” Why? Because “Fugly” was taken. We also have Maisi, a super opinionated belly dancer whose creds lists “shopping” as one of her strengths. Meanwhile, Miami native, Angel, was “born butch” but is now exploring her femme side. Oh, and she’s a drag king. Angel might be OK.

The girls give Char a blatant once-over. Uncomfortable much? Hilary points a small video camera in Char’s face and tells her it’s for her vlog, but “don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.” Yeah, after a season on broadcast TV, Hilary’s vlog camera is hugely intimidating to Char.

They all sit down and start grilling the newbie. What do you do in L.A.? Why are you here? How do you get your hair to do that? Char explains she hosts an L.A. girl party that attracts 600-800 girls every week, and hopes to do the same in Miami.

The girls snort. They warn Char there aren’t 600 lesbians in all of Miami, and the ones they do have are “shady and cheap.” So, it’s basically just like home. Char’s face fills with dread.

Char asks what’s up for later that night? Angel says they’re going to Ft Lauderdale later, because there’s nothing to do in Miami, causing everyone to laugh knowingly. They admit they were going to take a vote on whether to even invite Char to go with. Two hours in Miami, and Char has made some frenemies. Aw.

Hilary give Char a tour of the ridiculously large, high-rise apartment they’ll be sharing. The pad has a fantastic ocean view and a big balcony from which Char can look down on all the non-existent lesbians that’ll be coming to Truck Stop: Miami.

Hilary’s not going to Ft. Lauderdale with the others. Either she’s too young to drink, or she’s a sweet girl. She tells Char she wanted to make them dinner, hang out and get to know each other. And maybe Char could explain this funny looking, second toilet in the bathroom.

Angel picks up Char, and takes her an hour away to Sea Monster, a club in Ft. Lauderdale. While Char tries to dance and watch her back at the same time, Hilary stays home to vlog about her friends.
Into her camera, Hilary reports that Gaby is driven and dating Jazmin, who isn’t as nice as she thinks she is. Angel loves all kinds of sex, and is currently enjoying it with Bonnie, who’s new to the girl-on-girl thing. And finally, there’s icy, spicy, Maisi. Maisi is opinionated,” which in my experience, is always code for “aggressive bitch.”

Back at the club, Angel sits at the bar, Maisi jumps around and Jazmin enjoys Gaby’s interpretive dance that resembles ass-slapping, while dolled up like Cleopatra for no reason whatsoever.

Outside, Char unknowingly runs into Gaby’s ex, Ashley and strikes up a convo. Char asks for her number so they can hang out, which is totally normal in L.A.. But before Char can hit “save,” Maisi swoops in and drags Char away for a little chat.

“We are your girls. If you need to know anything, you’re going to ask us, not them,” commands Maisi.

Char smirks when Maisi says she doesn’t need to know Ashley, or anybody else. Maisi declares that if Char wants to talk to anyone, she needs to clear it with her. Welcome to Real Housewives’ Daughters of Miami.

When’s the next flight back to LAX?

Coming this season: Davonee shows up to “get to know Miami.” Gaby and Jazmin’s relationship stresses under Hilary’s scrutiny. But the three do share a bond because all their names are spelled wrong. Maisi gets all in the soup while Angel wonders why she agreed to be on this show. A Miami promoter enters the scene — he could be Truck Stop’s best ally, or worst enemy. Char will probably lose her mind, get stabbed in the back, have a melt down, and get lost in the Everglades, but as long as her flat iron doesn’t blow up, she’ll be OK.

U.S. readers can watch the episode on logoonline.com