“Guiding Light” mini-cap 6/26: Otalia Doesn’t Want to Wait, But We Have To

The Otalia family lights the candles on Rafe’s leftover birthday cake. Emma needs help with the blowing out — and with her lines. They all make a wish and we make ours, if there’s a bun in the oven, please, let it be merely Liv’s muff-in.

Nat wonders if she is a good mother when on her son’s birthday, he can’t be in the same room with them. Olivia promises they will find a way to bring Rafe back into the family. Thinking of Rafe reminds Olivia of community service. She has to get Emma to her camp project. Natalia wants to go but she has a job interview. And, you guessed it, we have more countenance caressing.

Later, Natalia orders a vodka, add an olive, serve it straight up, and you have the only thing passing over her girlfriend’s lips at this point. Could it be Freudian? Blake overhears and is intrigued at Natalia’s desire of spirit. Natalia tells Blake she didn’t get the job at Towers because she is over qualified. For the life of me, I can’t imagine for what Nat and her IDK degree would be over qualified.

Blake inquires about her job as Olivia’s assistant. Nat tells her she quit her job at the Beacon. Blake understands; Olivia can be hard to work for. No, Olivia is a great employer, though there is no public option currently offered in the negotiation of personal benefits.

Blake is going back into publishing soft core and mentions she needs an assistant. Nat accepts and orders Blake a shot, for giving her a shot. This is a weird viewer moment as Natalia’s alter ego is obviously 24 months pregnant — an appropriate gestation for an elephant-sized rumor of unplanned propagation and platitude.

Olivia and Emma are planting petunias at the park. Emma laments that all the other kids have bigger families and can plant more. Olivia explains families are a unit of love not length and come in all sizes. Emma wishes she had a bigger family. At that exact moment Natalia shows up. Foreshadowing?

Natalia leaves a message for Rafe. She admits she doesn’t know what else to do. Nat promises Olivia that she will figure everything out and sort things with Rafe. Olivia says (again) that she doesn’t mind waiting. In a limited moment of lucidity, Natalia says she does mind waiting. All they do is wait. For Frank, for Rafe, for Emma, oh my. Not to mention Lifetime and TV Land. Confidently, Natalia says she is done with waiting and somewhere, an angel gets its wings. With breathy anticipation, as if a character in one of Blake’s books, Olivia admits she doesn’t want to wait either. There is plethora of puss pawing.

OK, I am beginning to run out of alliterate attempts to announce a “no-kiss” where in every other relationship there would be one. We have crossed over from the sublime into the ridiculous. At this point, their faces would have run together out of the sheer randomness of the universe. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.

I know I am going to get comments that say this is a soap. I am well aware of the glacial pace of this genre, but come on, the excuses from those holding water for this couple have as much credibility as a Republican politician’s wedding vow. It is time. Just because they are label-less, doesn’t mean they are lifeless.

OK, Olivia is preparing to tell Emma about her two mommies when Emma’s camp counselor arrives with a problem. Emma forgot to wear the pre-planned pink shirt to camp, so she was feeling left out. The counselor explains kids don’t like to be singled out as different.

Olivia sits Emma down and explains the virtues of being diverse. Rainbow tie-dyed shirts are the new black. Emma says when you are different, you are weird. What do you say to that?

Blake is impressed with Natalia’s ability to promote fiction, but let’s face it, she’s got recent experience. Blake can’t understand why Olivia let her go. Natalia is evasive enough that Blake soon realizes her ill-timed third wheel at the couple’s massage and Olivia’s need for a little simulated stimulation.

Blake wants to plan a coming out cotillion. Stop hiding. Rip that cover off the romance novel and then everyone will know. Thank you, Blake. Now Natalia has her own Doris, but with better clothes.

Natalia meets Olivia at Company and tells her Blake knows. Olivia admits she couldn’t tell Emma, but they have to do it soon before she finds out from someone else. They decide they will go to the Bauer barbecue together and declare their independence. It’s a bit of an oxymoron to me, “independent togetherness,” but they seem to have lost logic long ago.

Natalia excuses herself. The smoke from Buzz’s cooking is making her ill. She puts cold water on her face and wonders what is wrong.

Whatever rumored diagnosis looms for Natalia on the horizon, one thing for sure is that GL is terminal. It’s time to courageously empty the bucket list. The fact that a stereotypically trite pregnancy for a “label-less”, female couple is remotely considered for an epilogue is one thing, but to deny the reality of any romantic affection other than the occasional metacarpus mastication is patronizing.

Well, it seems I was able to alliterate another one, so carry on.

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