“America’s Next Top Model” mini-cap: Super smize it

Just to warn you, I’m all torn up inside about this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model. I’m going to try to keep my composure during the recap but I cannot be held responsible for the venom I have in my heart.

We pick up where we left off: The girls piled into a limo back home and a few of them discussed where they may have gone wrong. Bianca vows to keep her mouth shut and not allow her disappointment or irritability show to the judges.

The following morning, the ladies took a special trip to Wilhelmina Modeling Agency, one of the biggest and best and they don’t care if you’re short or ugly, you just have to have personality. Nigel gave the aspiring models the opportunity to meet with Shawn Patterson, the president of Wilhelmina. This bundle of sunshine warned the girls that being a petite model is even harder to break into than it is for the tall drinks of water.

Nigel and Shawn gave each of the girls some one-on-one interview time and it started off rather rough. Lulu made the mistake of telling them she doesn’t pay attention to names of photographers and couldn’t name one (even with Nigel right in front of her face).

We learned that Jennifer suffers from something called “Tosis that makes one of her eyes lazy. That’s gotta make picture taking a bit rough.

When Courtney came through the door, she lit up the room. Rachel, with her doe-eyes, was asked to perform some music on the spot and unfortunately, couldn’t perform. They got absolutely nothing from her.

Shawn and Nigel came out to give their critiques and gave the terrible news that they decided one of the girls doesn’t have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model and will be sent home right away. True sadness! I don’t know what they’re trying to pull here considering they haven’t really given any of these models some training. It was Rachel who was deemed unfit to represent Wilhelmina (you have to say that in a low, strong, whisper). Considering some of the other people who were sent through on the taller rounds, this move doesn’t make a ton of sense to me.

The girls went home and Jennifer said what everyone else must’ve been thinking: She felt sad for Rachel but was really happy for herself. (As a sidenote, I’m not sure I could live in a house filled with Tyra pictures.)

Either later that day, the ladies were ushered to a small studio. An actor they probably hired off of Craigslist yelled at the girls until Tyra came in and pretended to be a nerd. The actor-photographer started to make TyTy angry by calling the girls a midget convention. That was way harsh, Tai.

For some reason, this forces Tyra to whip off her coat to reveal a unitard and cape to become Super Smize (meaning the super woman who smiles with their eyes).

This is just too bizarre. Also, I’d like to point out that Tyra was not really smiling with her eyes — more like frowning. The little girls seemed frightened, with good reason. Of course, this lead to Tyra’s tip of the show — how to smile with your eyes. Tyra showed them how to look in the mirror and get your eyes just right. You have to feel it in your stomach and then think happy thoughts. Brittany’s happy thought was touching cats (you and me both sister). Sundai loves beef noodles and Courtney thinks of pepperoni pizza.

Their next challenge was to dress in pink unitards and have a smize-off. This might just be the most bizarre season yet and I love it!

The winning team got to go to dinner with Wilhemina’s Shawn and they also got some awesome dresses to wear on their group date. The losing team had to play the part of waitresses. (This post interrupted by my affinity for Courtney. She is so hot.)

The dinner overall seemed pretty lame. I think we missed the meal, they made it look like short models only eat flan.

Back at the house, we finally got some drama! Bianca is on everyone’s nerves, especially Jenny. It all started with some dirty dishes being put into a possibly clean dishwasher and ended in overdramatic sighs. I hope there are fights like the one between Fatima and Lauren a few cycles ago.

The next day, it’s off to the races! The girls met Mr. Jay at the Santa Anna Park so that they could be compared to Seabiscuit the short horse. Their challenge was to be up on a horse, nude with a jockey. Some of the girls seemed a little too excited about this challenge. I think it was the castrators. The jockeys were so tiny and cute but the poses the girls did with them were a bit weird.

Brittany did an amazing job. Courtney didn’t do great because she got frustrated with being forced to wear her boot throughout the picture-taking. Bianca looked like Rupaul.

Back at the house, Courtney and Brittany had a bit of a tiff when Brittany tried to give some advice about taking instruction from the judges. Either there was a full moon or everyone’s cycles got synced up very quickly, because the house seems like it’s about to implode.

At panel, Ms. Jay looked like he was wearing a fancy hairnet. Lauren Conrad was the guest judge.

When Lauren Conrad tells you she doesn’t see a ton of expression in your face, she knows what she’s talking about because she does it all the time.

Poor Jennifer kept getting her uneven eyes called out. “Figure that eye out,” says Tyra. Lulu came across as very sweet and natural in her photos. Bianca had the fart smelling face. Nicole’s turned out nicely and Erin came out great as well.

Apparently you’re not allowed to smize and show expression in your lips.The best photo of the week goes to Erin with her angry smize. The bottom two were Bianca and Courtney. When it came down to it, my girl Courtney was let go and my mouth was left hanging down gaping open catching flies.

I thought they put her in the bottom two to give her a check up from the neck up, but no. What. The. Hell. I’m calling B.S. on this one — she had way more potential than most of the girls in the house and I’m not just saying that because she was my fave. My guess is they kept Bianca on for another week to keep some drama in the house.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Are you as upset as I am about Courtney’s dismissal? Did you think Erin had the best photo? What the hell is up with Ms. J’s hairnet?