“Grey’s Anatomy” mini-cap: “Goodbye”

Part two of the season premiere begins with Ceviche — real name, Clara — finding out that on top of being sliced and dice by a boat propeller, she also has sea monkeys living in her bowel because the water was dirty. Yang says the two words every young woman dreads, “colostomy bag? And Clara freaks and rightly so. What kind of shoes go with a poo bag? Clara says “no way” to more surgeries and Bailey goes ballistic on Cristina for her awesome bedside manner.

Later, Izzie is getting her daily dose of Chernobyl while Meredith and Cristina take advantage of the fruit pops available only in the cancer ward.

Cristina: Bailey’s on some sort of rampage. [laughing’ I think it’s Post-traumatic stress disorder.
Meredith: [to Izzie] She’s not dealing with her grief.
Cristina: You sound like Owen’s shrink.
Meredith: Owen’s shrink is withholding sex. So [Cristina] is grumpy and inappropriate.

What’s her excuse for the other 2000+ days of the past six years?

Izzie tells the girls that Alex is holding out, too, and it’s not on doctor’s orders. Cristina says he’s afraid of getting cancer on his boy parts.

Izzie: Shut the hell up! I am not contagious, Cristina.
Cristina: I know that. I would totally have sex with you.

Problem solved! What’s for dinner?

Meanwhile, Lexie is helping Mark move into his new pad but refuses his offer to have a drawer to call her own. Lexie finds out that Callie lives across the hall. How does she find out? She finds out when Callie comes out of her apartment seeking wardrobe advice for her first day at Mercy West Medical Center. She changes her clothes right there in the hallway. Oh by the way, Callie quit Seattle Grace. But that’s not important. This is.

The Chief is on his way to a board meeting — where he’ll be expected to defend his asshat management style — when he runs a red light and gets T-boned. And not in a good way.

In an emergency room not his own, Chief runs into Callie. She’s surprised, but she’s alone there. I mean really? The Chief explains that at the corner of Contrivance Street and Coincidence Way, “I ran a red light. I was distracted. I’m fine.” For all we know, the other driver died, but who cares? The Chief is too busy eyeing Mercy West’s ER and imagining what color to paint his office.

Across town, Cristina is sitting in on a session with Owen and his shrink. The therapist explains to her that sex is a distraction from facing his demons, like that’s a bad thing. This is not a woman who’s ever woken up at 3 a.m. in a stranger’s house. Not that I know anything about that.

The kid with the mysterious and worsening back pain shows up at Mercy West looking for Callie. His mom is just beside herself, and says Arizona sent them to Callie to do the super expensive 3D MRI that Seattle Grace won’t pay for.

“I feel like a terrible mother,” she says, “Because I’m supposed to do something, but I can’t, ya know? I didn’t go to medical school. I majored in freaking history.” Please. Ever see a philosophy major try to fix a toilet?

Back at the hospital where there’s no money for tests, but plenty of time for fruit pops and gossip, Clara finally goes into surgery to fix her intestinal infection. No poo bag will be necessary, thank goodness. But after the procedure, Bailey and Yang have it out in the hall and Yang gets kicked off Bailey’s team. It’s a wonder Bailey doesn’t have a back problem, too, what with that giant stick up her ass.

Callie comes home after a long day and finds Arizona nervously holding a cigarette and a lighter, and not a martini and some porn, as I would have written this scene.

Arizona: I have wine. White. And red. And I have cigarettes, which is awful, I know. but I only smoke very, very, very, very occasionally, and it’s only when I know I’m going to be in trouble, like now.
Callie: It was inappropriate. Not to mention manipulative and stupid — you smoke?

Callie yells at Arizona that the 3D MRI is costly and his case doesn’t warrant it and the Chief turned her down for a reason. Looking dejected and adorable, Arizona assumes Callie didn’t give the kid the rest. “Of course I did, Arizona,” Callie says exasperatedly.

Who could say “no” to that face? And how hot is it when Callie says her name?

It’s been a month since George died, in case anyone’s still counting. The living are moving on with their lives: Meredith and Derek are playing a fun slash gross newlywed game called “Every Room but the Bedroom,” Alex and Izzie have retreated to Derek’s Airstream in the woods, where they continue to mimic lesbian bed death, and Callie is enjoying having Mark live across the hall, so she can chat with him whenever, wherever. She blows past Lexie to ask Mark about some work gossip.

Lexie: Are you really gay? Like, how gay are you, on a scale of one to gay? ‘Cause that’s my boyfriend in the shower. My hot, hot, naked boyfriend. And — how gay are you?
Callie: [laughing] I’m sorry. It’s just, I’ve known Mark a while. But I’ll try not to do that again; the naked-in-the-shower thing.
Lexie: Or, the you-half-naked-in-the-hallway thing. ‘Cause even if you really are gay, he’s not. And you’re hot.
Callie: [long pause] He doesn’t look at my boobs anymore. The first thing he would look at, when I walked in anywhere, was my boobs. He doesn’t look anymore. Not since he met you. OK?
Lexie: OK.

Yeah. And when if I ever buy a Camry, I’m never going to look at a Porsche ever again. PS. I’m never going to buy a Camry.

In other news: Arizona has finally solved the case of the back pain kid. All he needs is a snip of a cord in his back and he’ll be good as new. Izzie learns her cancer has retreated and she’s going to be fine. Meredith admits she’s using sex and work as a distraction so she doesn’t dwell on George. Cristina misses having sex in general. And Lexie decides it’s time to change her underwear and brush her teeth.

But the big bomb is dropped by the Chief. He gathers his troops and announces that Seattle Grace is merging with Mercy West. As with any merger, there’s going to be too many people in every department, so good luck with that.

Well, well. The old coot actually saved his job. For now. Mercy West must have its own Chief and I can see that drama coming from all the way over here. I hope it’s a woman who kicks his ass. What’s Holland Taylor doing these days?