“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: Zero to Crazy

Gossip Girl‘s Secret Formula: (Secrets + Every Character Responding In The Same Way They Always Respond To Secrets) + Fancy Fourth Act Party = Maximum Mayhem!

For Chuck and Blair and Georgina, secrets are power. They use them to arrange the chess pieces in their lives to get what they want/cause insane amounts of destruction. For Vanessa and Dan, secrets are kryptonite . Like, if a secret lands in a room with you and there’s no one around to blab to, is it still a secret? For Nate and Serena, secrets are a pain in the ass because the only thing either of them want is to have a series of consecutively sunny days.

(Not that it matters in this episode, but it’s worth noting for the future: Jenny Humphrey doesn’t fit neatly into any of those categories. She’s Waldorf enough to want the power, Humphrey enough to get indignant about being asked to keep her mouth shut, and van der Woodsen enough to feel entitled to some crazy awesome days. Jenny Humphrey will rule this town, you guys.)

So, secrets. Every time someone reveals/discovers one in this episode, take a drink.

Blair puts on a silk glove and removes a sock from her dorm room doorknob, opening it to find Dan and Georgina writhing around on a twin bed. Rightly, she flips out, but then gathers her queen-like composure and shouts: “Don’t think you can kick me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey!”

“Stay,” Georgina invites. “Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Yeah, like how Georgina is planning to use Dan’s virgin blood in the potion that’s brewing in the cauldron under her bed.

Blair leaves in a huff, and Vanessa and Serena catch Dan on his walk of shame. In awesome unison they screech, “Please tell me it was Blair/Georgina, not Georgina/Blair!”

Serena takes Dan to breakfast and is like, “You remember that Georgina is sofa king crazy, right? ‘Cause I mean, she lied about her identity and gave you that hummer, from which you’re probs still breaking out in a rash.”

Dan returns to the dorm to give Georgina the “we’re just messing around” talk, and she tells him that of course they are. (DRINK!) He thinks how awesome he is at girls, and Georgina thinks they’re totally getting married. She’s already set their picture as her desktop background.

Vanessa discovers that Scott lied to her about what class he has in the mornings (DRINK!) and it causes her to question his entire identity. First stop: Admissions, where the student worker instantly recognizes V as a kindred stalker spirit, and hands out classified information like Halloween candy. Nope, your boyfriend does not go to this school. (DRINK!) Vanessa confronts Scott and he tells her that actually, he’s Rufus and Lily’s love child. (DRINK!)

Blair gets in invitation to La Table Elitaire, a secret (DRINK!) society. All she has to do is bid on this Patrick McMullan photo at Sotheby’s and she is in. Unfortunately, Chuck is after the same image because it will help him secure a real-estate deal with Sean MacPherson. Do you sense something secret afoot? If so, go ahead and DRINK!

Serena and Carter check into a hotel because apparently the only place to have sex in Manhattan is in hotels. She’s trying to trust him, even though a chick on the street accused him of being a skeez . Then his credit card gets declined on account of all the really expensive champagne he ordered. He insists he’s being set up, but Serena just thinks he’s just a broke-ass liar, and she bounces.

Nate and Bree Buckley carry on their secret (DRINK!) relationship, but decide to come out at the Sotheby’s party that night. (DRINK! some more, because why are we watching the most boring couple in the history of time and space, when we could be watching Jenny plot to take over the UES?)

Things get nuts at the Sotheby’s auction. Chuck and Blair both bid like mad on the Patrick McMullan photo, and as soon as they pause to bicker, Serena steals it out from under them. She’s on a realization frenzy! (She’s also wearing a dress that is making her already-terrifying cleavage do something even more obscene than usual.)

1) She realizes Blair and Chuck set up Carter (DRINK!). 2) She realizes Georgina masterminded the whole La Table Elitaire thing. (DRINK!) 3) She realizes Georgina also planted the Tuck MBA, who encouraged Chuck to bid on the Patrick McMullan. (DRINK!)

She confronts Georgina at the bar. “You know, I should have recognized your ‘G’ when Blair first showed me the invitation.” (Dirty!)

Serena is very whatever about Dan, but when it comes to Blair, she gets serious: “If you keep pushing her, she will push back, and when she does, I will be right behind her. Now, we’ve had enough of you tonight.”

Scott tells Rufus that he’s not his kid (DRINK!), but that he’s his dead kid’s brother (DRINK!), and that’s why all the stalking. For some reason, Rufus thinks this is really sweet and Humphrey Hugs the crap out of him.

Out on the street, Bree Buckley tells Carter she knows what he did last summer (DRINK!), and then she drives away.

In Vanessa’s dorm room, Scott asks her to keep his secret (DRINK!) and Georgina overhears (DRINK!). She calls the train station all, “I need one ticket to Rhode Island, and two return tickets … to hell.”

Next week: Tyra Banks! Hilary Duff! And, God willing, Georgina returns with Scott!