“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: Forgetting Blair Waldorf

I’ve watched enough TV to understand this universal truth: if you go to the traveling circus, especially the kind that comes at night, you are going to get your soul snatched. "Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, step right up! Step right up! Come closer! You won’t believe your eyes, what’s behind this curtain!" Every time I see a character approaching one of those things, I want to punch her in the face. You hear that creepy organ music? You see that clown in the shadows? Run, jackhole.

It’s like my first rule of living.

Monday night, I broke that rule. "Dan de Fleurette" was my traveling circus. Passion Pit, my creepy organ music. Tyra Banks, my clown in the mother-effing shadows.

Gossip Girl, you soul snatching tart, you know I love you.

"Dan de Fleurette" starts, as these things so often do, with a headband.

In preparation for her first day as the new Queen, Jenny takes a look at herself in the mirror and decides for reasons inexplicable that her copious eyeliner can stay, but the headband passed down to her from the Almighty Queen B has to go. She shows up at Constance-Billard and gives a particularly Humphried speech about anarchy, but Eric is the only who cheers. Someone in the crowd texts Blair to warn her that Jenny is tarnishing her legacy, and Blair takes it as a sign from heaven, because at that moment she is knee-deep in a "Master’s of the Universe" meeting about that great animated gay icon, He-Man.

Blair bounces, snapping on the way out about "sandals are not shoes," and returns to the UES with a plan to restore herself as Queen. It’s the rock-bottomest thing we’ve seen Blair do, and that includes attending a rooftop rager with Dan Humphrey. I mean, Regina George got hit by a bus before it ever got this bad.

After kicking Jenny in the shins and calling her "Little J," the Constance underclassman attend Blair’s annual Waldorfian sleepover, which somehow takes place even though both Darota and Mr. Chuck warn Blair she’s hovering awfully close to pathetic. At the sleepover, the girls lie around at Blair’s feet and take it in turn to fan her with palm fronds and feed her peeled grapes.

While this Constance coup d’état is in effect, two movie stars interrupt everyone else’s lives. One is Olivia, the star of the Endless Nights/Twilight movie franchise (of which her newroomie, Vanessa, is — hilariously — a closet fan). The other is the tempestuous Ursula played by Tyra Banks. (Step right up! Step right up!)

Brooklyn-dweller Dan has never heard of Endless Nights/Twilight or of Olivia, so when he runs out of money at a street cart and Olivia buys him a cup of coffee, introducing herself as "Kate," he just smiles and thinks about how awesome he is with the ladies.

Dan runs into "Kate" again later while studying with Nate and asks her out for pizza, which she agrees to do instead of keeping her date with Larry King. The next day, Dan asks her out again, but she has to work that night. And by work, she means attend her movie premiere, but Dan probably thinks she’s abarista in that one coffee shop, and agrees to hook up with her the next day or something. Whatever, he’s breezy.

Meanwhile, Serena is determined to get a job to prove to Lily that she is more than a wayfaring papa/paparazzi whore. And let’s just take a moment to drink in the sight of Kelly Rutherford, shall we? She was covered up in handbags last season because of her vast pregnancy, and she was gone from the first three episodes of this season because of the same, and OMJC, I have missed her.

Somehow the camera manages to tear itself away from Lily and focus on Serena and her career. See, because Serena has been hired by Olivia’s publicist to handle Ursula. (Come closer! You won’t believe your eyes!) Over the course of a day, Ursula throws a fit about her clothes being the wrong color, cuddles with Serena on the couch, and reveals that she has done her best ever work in the movie that is premiering during GG‘s fourth act. In this potentially award-winning scene Ursula apparently distracts some Nazis while Captain von Trapp and Lizzie McGuire make a break for the Alps.

Everything collides at the Ziegfeld premiere, where: Chuck shows up with Little J, Rufus shows up with Lily, Dan shows up with Vanessa, Serena shows up with Ursula. And, after Gossip Girl blasts about it, Blair shows up alone.

Dan finally realizes that Olivia is Kristen Stewart, and he agrees to date her even though it is such a pain in the ass to have famousblonde women falling all over you. Serena talks Ursula out of throwing a public tantrum when she finds out her Scene has been cut from the movie. Chuck talks Little J into taking over the Constance Queenship. And then the truly legitimate soul-snatching happens. (What’s behind this curtain!)

Blair begins a tirade at Chuck about showing up in public with Jenny and usurping her authority and about how she’ll never fit in at NYU, and he completely silences her with these words: "And you’d do this to me? I’m Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you’re Blair Waldorf, remember I’m Chuck Bass, and I love you."

Blair buys it. Well, I mean, first she understands WTF he’s saying, which I have yet to do. And then she shrugs, all flattered, kisses Chuck and then poses for the bought paparazzi.

Gossip Girl says a lot of stuff in the closing montage about family and whatever, but all I hear is the sound of the four horseman because Georgina is coming back next week to blow up Rufus and Lily’s wedding, and she’s going to use their long-lost son for kindling.

One more thing, and this is important. Yesterday, EW spoiler-tease Ausiello broke this little tidbit about GG: "Sources confirm to me exclusively that Gossip Girl’s Nov. 9 episode will feature three major characters having sex. At the same time. In the same bed. Together."

It’s definitely one of these three groupings, according to Ausiello:

Rufus/Lily/Mr. Van der Woodsen

My money is on Serena/Carter/Georgina.

Discussion/outrage/links to your fanfic in the comments!