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“Grey’s Anatomy” mini-cap 609: “New History”

Meredith is back at work, liver intact. She’s somewhere in the bowels of the hospital, pacing that little-used corridor where the gang used to gather to gossip, nap and hide from their Attendings. Back from who-knows-where, Izzie rounds the corner, pushing her favorite teacher from high school, Dr. Singer (Broadway veteran and Buffy demon Joel Grey) in a wheelchair. However, that’s not the time-warp part. The time-warp part is that Izzie suddenly has a full head of hair.

Human hair grows about one half inch per month. So, let’s see. Either that’s the best damn weave I’ve ever seen, we’ve inexplicably time-jumped 10 months, or the same person who decided Grey’s didn’t need to explain why the Chief has no Mercy West counterpart clearly thinks no one is paying attention.

Meredith wants to know where the hell Izzie’s been, but Izzie only wants to talk about her former mentor, who now has dementia. Out of frustration, Meredith hits Izzie but it’s going to take more than a couple of girly smacks to slap the self-involved crazy off of that one.

Meanwhile, Dr. Singer thinks Izzie is still a student and warns her to beware of teen pregnancy and cheerleaders because “those little bitches are poisonous.” Maybe he’s not so far gone after all.

Elsewhere, Cristina snubs her puppy Avery, who’s still riding a high after kissing her last week or 10 months ago, depending on how you suspend your disbelief. Her real boyfriend, Owen, proves he knows what a woman wants and presents Cristina with the best gift ever: An attractive woman. And not just any woman, but a cardio god to lead Cristina to the promise land. Ladies and ladies, please welcome, direct from the Iraq War, Owen’s Army buddy, Teddy.

Aw. And she didn’t get him anything.

The Chief’s wife, Adele, comes blowing in on a cloud of sass and snap, looking for him. He hasn’t been home and for reasons I’ll never understand, she cares where he is. Bailey covers his M.I.A. ass, even though she hasn’t seen him since last week. Or, January. Whichever. Lexie also comes looking for the King, because in addition to firing people using a blindfold and a dartboard, bellowing orders that no one heeds, and taking credit for the invention of the insulin, he’s still treating hapless patients. One of them has taken a turn for the worse.

While the Chief is in the wind, word of Izzie’s return had spread. Cristina would like an explanation, considering she saved Izzie’s life. Derek takes a lookie-loo at her former teacher as a favor while Izzie greets Dr. Potato Head with some friendly hey-you’re-the-guy-who-got-me-fired stink eye.

Alex wanders by and sees his wife. Izzie hasn’t called, texted, emailed or tweeted that she was even alive, and here she is now, hair and all, more concerned about her old teacher’s illness than her husband. Without a word, he walks away to cancel his appointment with that police psychic.

Outside, Cristina is grilling Teddy Baghdad about her education and background. She is not impressed. Anyone who didn’t attend one of the Seven Sisters, worked in, gasp, Florida, and tries to catch raindrops on her tongue (she’s been in the desert a long, long time) is no one she wants to learn from.

Cristina tells Owen to return her gift and get her a better model. Is anyone shocked that Cristina is a brand whore?

Bailey finds the Chief snoring in an on-call bunk. She pokes him the way you would wake a sleeping bear, hands him a cup o’ caffeine and tells him to get out there and start doing Chiefly things. Behind every great man is a short, bossy woman holding a latte. Still waiting for the day we can dispense with the superfluous man part of this act.

In other news: Dr. Singer accidentally did a faceplant and now Izzie demands he get a spinal tap. They can put that on her $200,000 tab. Meanwhile, Avery née Vanessa Williams gets to assist Teddy with a procedure because Cristina was too busy looking her gift horse in the mouth. Cristina uses the free time to complain about Teddy to the Chief, but Bailey runs interference for him and shoos her away. Adele sashays back in, still looking for her man. Bailey tells her the Chief is busy prepping for a surgery. Adele asks in a deadly calm drawl, “Are you having an affair with my husband?”

Bailey might have thrown up in her mouth a little, if she weren’t so flabbergasted. The Chief? If she wanted a lock-minded, bumbling botchbag in a golf sweater, she would date George Bush. Callie steps in and explains that Bailey is the Chief’s work wife. Bailey and Adele have never heard of such a thing.

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