CW mini-cap mash-up (March 11): “90210,” “Melrose Place,” “ANTM” and “Gossip Girl”

If network television is your thing, and lesbian and bisexual women are your game, The CW is the place for you to thaw out from TV’s impossibly long winter hiatus. Like magical manna from heaven, the network dropped all new episodes of its shows this week.

The much-hyped Rumer Willis lesbian storyline is going down on 90210; Bisexual publicist Ella is still the only watchable character on Melrose Place; and Gossip Girl continues to be the gayest not-gay show on TV.

We know you can’t keep up with all of it, so we’re going to do it for you. Here’s our first rundown of everything that happened with the queer women on CW this week.

90210 — (2.10): "Rats and Heroes"

The space-time continuum in Beverly Hills is even more confounding than the one the Gossip Girl kids warp through every week on the Upper East Side. We meet up with the West Beverly crew after winter break, and because they’re discussing their New Year’s resolutions, it makes me think only a few weeks have passed since the last episode. But! everyone seems to have aged another ten years over the holidays, making them look like they’re in their mid-thirties, at least. Double but! "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" is playing, so is it actually 2005?

Anyway, before the break, everyone paired up with everyone else — except Adrianna, who paired up with Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Yeah, SamRo left her whole wardrobe behind when she guest starred, including the hat from the next scene."

She’s at her meeting, perusing the literature, when she spots Gia. Gia is happy to see her — if one can be happy to find out her crush is also a recovering alcoholic — and invites Adriana to go bowling after their session. The only thing Adriana is less interested in than making AA her whole life, is wearing shoes that have been on someone else’s feet. She politely declines, but Gia gives her her card anyway, and tells to call if her friends don’t understand her unique situation, or if she wants to make out or anything.

Now, I’m no expert on alcoholism, but I have seen Sandra Bullock and Aragorn in 28 Days, so I know rehab isn’t technically the best place to meet a potential girlfriend. But I suppose it’s better than being blackmailed into a relationship because you ran over someone’s hobo uncle with your car, a la Annie and Jasper.

"Wow, regular Coke really is better than Diet — hang on, is that rum?!"

Later that day(?) at a beach party, Adriana grabs a cup and takes a swig and realizes she’s just let rum touch her lips. She freaks out to Naomi and Silver, but they do not — and have never — care(d) about anything other than their own foolhardy schemes. They blow her off.

In a panic, Adriana pulls out Gia’s card and calls to ask if they can meet up to talk. Gia is like, "I anticipated your need because I am a lesbian and I stalked you here also because I am a lesbian."

The pair have a nice chat about how recovery is a process and Adriana says she feels better, but then Gia does a double-take because she sees her ex-girlfriend at the party with another chick. I do a double-take, too, because even though I knew it was coming, I totally forgot that Gia’s ex is Mandy Musgrave!

"Is that Spencer kissing someone else?! I swear to God I will bust a cap in — nope, it’s semi-Demi. Never mind."

Gia is bummed because, no matter what, the first time you see your ex with someone else, it’s like getting kicked in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. Adriana says not to worry, that she’s probably jealous because she thinks Adriana and Gia are together. Gia is like, "Doubtful." So Adriana hops into her lap and literally kisses that ridiculous pork pie hat right off her head.

Mandy storms by and, in doing so, gets closer to the camera so we can see that she is just as lovely as ever, and 100 percent less plastic than the regulars on this show.

Gia goes, "Why did you…" And Adriana is like, "Because you helped me and I wanted to help you." Gia thinks that was nice. Also she thinks about how she is now fully in love.


Melrose Place — (1.13): "Oriole"

You will be unsurprised to hear that Ella didn’t makeout with any girls this week because she is as hung up on Riley as she was in the pilot, but there’s hope on heartbreak horizon because Riley is finally trying to work things out with his fiancée. Too bad his cheating confession causes her to storm out — but at least Riley ends up on David’s couch instead of in Ella’s bed.

I am the most interesting man in the world. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis

Ella’s got 99 other problems (though a bitch ain’t one), and as always, they revolve around Amanda’s many needs and feelings. She wants to throw the perfect party for herself, which means she wants Ella to throw the perfect party for her. Ella backflips through a dozen hoops of fire, like she always does to make things happen, but then Amanda’s boyfriend — "the most perfect man in the world" — gets vampire-creepy on Ella at the party and put a necklace around her neck that was intended for Amanda.

Amanda rails that there is no circumstance in this or any known universe in which Ella could be better than and/or usurp her authority. (Spoiler alert: wrong!)

Gossip Girl — (3.13): "The Hurt Locket"

Look, you know and I know that Blair and Serena aren’t going to hook up on Gossip Girl any time soon/ever, even though the only non-gay pairing that hasn’t yet been explored on the show is Dan and Blair (which is unnatural and wrong in every conceivable way). But you also know and I also know that the Waldsen ship is still sailing strong.

What I want to say about this week’s episode is that Blair Waldorf has Tolstoy-esque Anna Karenina fantasies and a legitimate outfit in which she wants to act them out. And that is amazing. So amazing.

"I see a man who has serious intentions, that’s Levin …

… and I see a peacock, like this featherhead …"

What did you think about the lezzies/bis/Blair Waldorf on CW this week?