“Grey’s Anatomy” mini-cap: “Hook, Line and Sinner”

It was bound to happen eventually: Callie and Arizona are having a fight. And it’s not just a tiff about who recorded Rachel Maddow over the latest episode of Nurse Jackie. This one is a deal breaker: to have kids or not to have kids. There’s no way to agree to disagree about kids.

And as we know, Callie’s idea of baby-proofing the house means little plastic locks on the cabinets and covers for the wall sockets. Arizona’s idea of baby-proofing the house means locking the front door. They’re yelling at each other and it’s scaring me. I don’t like when mommy and daddy fight.

Callie: It doesn’t make any sense! And everyone wants a kid! And you, of all people! You wear roller-skates for shoes! I don’t get it!

Oh boy. First of all, not "everyone wants a kid." Some of us are perfectly happy having freedom, disposable income and clean carpets. Second of all, Callie’s logic is flawed. Adults who wear roller-skates no more want kids than butch women want men. See how that works?

A little fed up with the conversation, Arizona says sarcastically she must be "cold and heartless and dead inside." Callie is undeterred, despite the fact that whenever a woman waves a hairbrush around for emphasis, you know she means business.

Changing tactics, Callie urges Arizona to close her eyes and envision a smushy baby. Isn’t it nice? Well, no. Arizona says she sees being in Spain, drinking sangria and admiring Callie in a bikini. Mmm. If this show is pro-children, it’s doing a horrible job making its case.

Just as Callie is about to lose her temper, Mark comes bursting into their place, demanding suture kits and Arizona’s services. Seems his daughter Sloan has returned home to spawn and is giving birth, right there on the floor of his apartment, across the hall.

Teddy, Owen, Mark, Cristina, Callie and Arizona all crowd around as the least qualified person to procreate pops out the next branch of the Sloan family tree. Not even a minute old, the baby looks really tired of everyone already.

Later at the hospital, others are expressing their love of all things not baby. Cristina is more excited to meet a famous cardio surgeon named Tom Evans than she is about the new life that ruined a good towel earlier that morning. She falls all over herself, gushes like a schoolgirl, and offers Evans every assistance, short of ironing his shirts. Perky, nerdy April can barely contain her crush on Chief McDreamy, even in front of Dr. Mrs. McDreamy. And Mark is unabashedly in love with the size of his grandson’s pee-pee. He shows it off to Derek.

Mark is so not in charge of writing the birth announcement.

Teddy hears about Evans being in da house and confronts Derek about her permanent contract. Ya know, the one she never wanted, nor asked for until that very minute. Derek offers to put her name in the hat, which seems to insult Teddy’s ego. Sorry he’s not a mind reader, Teddygram. Maybe instead of gazing at Owen from afar, you should have been negotiating your salary and a parking space.

Meanwhile, Mark is so tickled to have an addition to his family, he’s more touched than alarmed that his moronic daughter bought her son the finest baby gifts money can buy at a gas station. Thankfully, Sloan decided months ago to give her hilarious-looking baby to a nice, stable couple.

Sloan complains she’s being discharged from her free hospital stay and has nowhere to go. I feel for her. It’s so hard to be young, able-bodied and white in this world. Well, whatever job and life skills she lacks, Sloan is a survivor. Sensing Mark is willing to put up with anything to have a family, she quickly suggests she might keep the baby, "if you think we can do this." And by "we," she means you, Grampy.

If being a parent is no walk in the park, neither is being someone’s child. A father and son are brought in by chopper after a fishing accident. The son has injuries, but his dad is much worse. Some kids will wish you were dead. Some will walk all over you. A few will stab you in the back. But not many will accidentally let a rope slip, sending you into the business end of a shark hook.

Lexie tries to alleviate the kid’s guilt up by confessing she considered killing her mother with an overdose of artificial sweetener. Alex adds nonchalantly he tried to run over his old man with a car. Something tells me he’s not kidding.

Elsewhere, Arizona reminds Mark that the baby has adoption arrangements and a couple is waiting for their new arrival. Mark doesn’t want to hear it and says Sloan might keep the baby after all. Callie wanders by and passive-aggressively interjects that people change their minds all the time. Really? Because I hear Spain is lovely this time of year.

Annoyed by logic and facts, Mark gets pissy and stomps off to negotiate his grandson’s future Playgirl contract. Not long afterwards, Callie takes another run at her roller-skating girlfriend, because lesbians are nothing if not a tenacious breed.

Callie: The baby smiled at Mark. He looked up and smiled at him like he knew him.
Arizona: Pfft. That poor baby’s parents just sitting there.
Callie: Stop calling them the baby’s parents.
Arizona: That baby’s parents. The mature, capable, financially secure, emotionally stable, loving parents who were deemed fit by Sloan and the state of Washington, are sitting there by the telephone, staring at the sky blue nursery walls that they just painted. Those are the parents. Not Mr. Midlife Crisis and his teenage kid who bought her infant son a bag of lollipops and Juicy Couture onesies.
Callie: So, she has a lot to learn.
Arizona: No. She doesn’t.

Arizona’s pager goes off. Sloan is in a panic because the baby is crying and she doesn’t feel comfortable feeding it. While Arizona gives the baby a bottle, Mark returns to the room and gives Sloan some water. Both babies get fed.

Even the baby looks like he’d rather be in Spain.

In real medical news: As Derek watches on, Teddy sneezes just as Owen is removing the hook from Captain Hardass. Good job, soldier. Hope your resume is up to date. Lexie is perplexed by his son’s high temperature, even though no one else seems to notice or care. And Dr. Evans lets Cristina bask in the warm glow of his awesomeness and observe his JAMA-worthy techniques, even though it’s clear he doesn’t need her help.

At lunch, Cristina admits she loves both Teddy and Evans – she’s a cardio whore and it feels so good. Meredith complains that April’s silly fawning over Derek is thoroughly unattractive, until she realizes that was her, not too long ago. Alex says it’s no big deal because powerful guys like adoring girls who laugh at their jokes and shave their legs. Who doesn’t?

In the nursery, Mark and Callie stare at Sloan’s baby and ponder the mysteries of life. Is Sloan ready to be a mother? Is adoption the better answer? What’s Arizona’s problem? Why is this stupid baby getting more airtime than Bailey? Oh, wait. That’s just me.

Telling Mark about Arizona’s Adults Only policy, Callie suddenly remembers that Arizona has a dead brother. That must be why she doesn’t want children! She rushes off to tell Arizona she gets her.

In the son’s room, Lexie is asking medical questions that surly Alex dismisses as unimportant. He leaves to watch Teddy operate on the father, who’s taken a bad turn, leaving Lexie alone with Bailey.

Lexie: Dr. Bailey, both patients have productive coughs and signs and symptoms of sepsis. I am probably wrong, but if I’m not, this is infectious.
Bailey: You’re probably not wrong. You’re probably right. Why do you want to hand your big save over to Karev, who’s going to march around the hospital, acting like he put it together?
Lexie: I didn’t.
Bailey: You are handing your power over to a boy because he’s giving you sex.
Lexie: I’m not —
Bailey: I’m Dr. Bailey. I know everything.

Bailey tells Lexie to stop letting Alex treat her like a scut monkey and to use her photographic memory powers for herself, for once. Right on cue, test results arrive, confirming Lexie was dead on with her diagnosis. She bursts into the OR and stops Teddy from spreading the dangerous infection with her scalpel. Teddy looks bad in front of Derek. Alex looks bad in front of everyone.

Afterwards, Derek tells Mark he doesn’t need Teddy if he can get Evans. Mark tells Derek the baby doesn’t need parents because it has him. "How I am supposed to call a couple of strangers and tell them to come take my kid?" he asks. News flash: It’s not your kid. They want the baby. No one wants your kid.

Starry-eyed Cristina gets a reality check of her own when Teddy tells her to stop wetting herself over the new guy: Evans won’t teach Cristina anything if he gets her job. Evans doesn’t let her assist or even get her gloves dirty. Teddy lets Cristina do the hands-on things for a reason; so she’ll learn. Realizing that being a cardio whore is no way to be, Cristina comes to her senses.

But the hardest truths are saved for Callie, who’s still convinced she can reverse her girlfriend’s deep-seated beliefs through a mixture of empathy, tenacity and cheerful nagging. Because that works, like, never. She finds Arizona and tells her she understands her fears.

Callie: Our baby won’t be your brother, I mean, knock on wood. Do you know how happy our baby would be?
Arizona: I’m going to say this once, and then I’m not going to say it again. I’m not broken. I’m not some psychodrama. My lack of interest in having a child is not some pathology that you can pat yourself on the back for having diagnosed. I like my life. I like it the way that it is, I don’t want it to change. I thought I liked it with you in it. I hope I’m not wrong.

Arizona’s tone is serious as a heart attack. Without waiting for a reply, she gets up and walks out. So, we’ll talk about this again later?

At the end of the day, Meredith finds Derek alone in a conference room. She locks the door, pulls the shades, and reminds him why he married her. Lexie comes home, tells Alex to get over himself, demands he stop being a ass, and orders him to give her a fricking beer. Alex smirks because she’s finally talking his language.

Teddy gets her job offer, but unbeknownst to everyone but Webber, Derek offered Evans the job first. Evans turned him down. So much for loyalty. And Sloan’s baby finally goes home with the nice couple, leaving her free to shop, not work, and get pregnant all over again.

Later that night, Arizona finally crumbles a little when Callie comes to bed and says bravely that she doesn’t need the poop smell of a baby. She starts to cry. This melts Arizona, who turns, kisses her face and whispers softly, "Don’t."

Crying. So not fair. Crying girlfriends are usually how we end up:

Making ridiculous promises we can’t keep
Getting into bar fights with complete strangers
Going broke trying to "help"

And now, we can add "at Gymboree" to the list.