“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “Shiny Happy People”

Chief Derek is hosting a party in his home, Chez Grey. It doesn’t matter if you’re in high school and your parents are out of town, or you’re 20-something and the offerings consist of a bong and a bag of chips, or you’re well-paid and all growed up — a house party means someone is getting drunk, someone is getting eyed and someone is getting laid. Usually in that order.

Lexie tells her date, Alex, that her Spanx are killing her. He assures her he likes her fat ass. What a charmer. Westie Reed sets her sights on Mark and slithers up to him, leaving a snail trail in her wake. Ew.

Meredith bumps into Owen and gives him the stink eye. Owen ignores her and finds Cristina, who’s stuffing her face with fancy hors d’oeuvres and washing them down with many martinis. He asks her to move in with him. She happily says, “Yes,” because nothing makes you more agreeable than copious amounts of gin and free crab puffs.

In the living room, Callie and Arizona are in the difficult position of pretending they don’t know what the other one looks like naked. Arizona seems perfectly content to make small talk and never look Callie’s way. Mark offers Callie a buddy f–k as she watches Arizona from afar, but she’s not in the mood for his jokes.

For two people who loved each other so much last week, they don’t seem very torn up about their break up. Shouldn’t they be fighting in the driveway, and maybe, one of them locks herself in the bathroom? Where’s the lesbian drama? Where’s the show? This party sucks.

Elsewhere, Bailey is at Ben’s house. He’s having a party, too, and this one’s in his pants. She stammers about being a professional, wanting to keep their business on the down low and — oh, hello McBody.

Bailey practically slides off the couch.

Later that night, Teddy lets herself into Mark’s apartment and finds Reed in his bed. There’s this thing called a doorbell. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Mark comes out of the bathroom and sees both women staring at each other. Awkward. Without missing a beat, he suggests a threesome. Making the best of a bad situation is the hallmark of any good cosmetic surgeon.

The next day, Meredith tries to warn Cristina about moving in with Owen, but Cristina can’t hear that right now ’cause she’s all giddy. Lexie overhears Teddy laughing with Arizona about her ménage a not. Arizona calls Reed “cute” and skips off to save a child. Mark and Derek figure out Bailey got her groove on when they realize she and Ben are humming the same post-coital tune. Everyone’s in a great mood. What was in those crab puffs, anyway?

In the ER, two seniors who haven’t seen each other in 50 years are shocked to find each again. Henry has taken a tumble and Betty had a little car accident.

Even after 70, the woman still has to look better and younger than the man? Depressing. I need a crab puff.

While Mrs. Cunningham and the Crypt Keeper catch up, Alex deals with a young woman whose parents are trying to commit her. She insists she’s not crazypants, even though she tried to claw her own eyes out, and is now attempting to give herself an Uma Thurman.

Alex takes the needle from her hand and offers to help her. Alex grew up with crazy. He dated crazy. Alex knows crazy, and honey, you’re not crazy.

In an OR, surgery is being held up indefinitely as Henry tells Cristina, Owen and Teddy an incredibly long story about how he should have married Betty. No one’s getting any younger, Grampy, least of all you. But Henry just keeps right on waxing nostalgic about the Betty that got away.

Meanwhile, Betty’s doing her own shoulda woulda coulda with Lexie and Callie, who hang on her every word. Of course, the purpose of all this is so everyone can super-impose their own angst on the story. Cristina wonders if she’s Owen’s One, or does he really belong with Teddy. Richard married sassy Adele, but surly Ellis Grey was his One. Lexie is with Alex, but is it only because Mark has the world’s most annoying daughter? And then there’s Callie.

Frankly, if it’s a question of holding a baby to her breast, or Arizona to her breast, it’s no contest. Sangria, anyone?

In the cafeteria, Alex explains to Meredith how to settle for what life hands you.

Alex: I’m acting like a duck.
Meredith: What?
Alex: I figure if you walk like a duck, and quack like a duck, you eventually start to feel like a duck. Lexie is nice, normal, healthy. I’m acting like a guy who can stick with nice, normal and healthy.
Meredith: You’re becoming a duck.
Alex: I am becoming a duck.

Cristina’s annoyed because Meredith won’t tell her why she has doubts about Owen. She sits at a separate table to make her point, but eventually can’t resist and asks her BFF, “What the duck?”

“Owen is Ellis and Teddy is Dr. Webber, and somehow, I’m Thatcher in this situation?” she asks. Only if she starts drinking heavily and Meredith starts calling her daddy. Sadly, Meredith can’t tell her what she knows. There’s Cristina and her. But she’s married to Derek. Meh. Once again, a straight beats two of a kind.

Thanks to Lexie’s photographic memory, Alex may have found the cause of not-crazygirl’s crazy in an old medical journal. He runs a test to confirm a rare form of vertigo is making her insane.

I felt the same way after watching Avatar in 3-D.

Later, Bailey catches Ben flirting with a nurse and suddenly, her urge to hum is replaced by a low growl. She finds Mark in the scrub room and asks him, of all people, “Is one woman never enough for some men?” It’s like asking Webber if there’s such a thing as too much vodka.

After his surgery, Henry asks Betty if she’ll move in with him. Even Callie raises an eyebrow. U-Hauling. It’s not just for lesbians anymore.

Betty looks him in the eye, puts her hand on his, and says simply, “I got over you.” Oh, snap, Mrs. C. Kill the old geezer, why don’t you?

In the OR, Lexie makes a crack about Reed and Mark. Maybe things aren’t so duckie after all.

Lexie: I’m fine. I’m with Alex. I do not care about Mark, and/or who he sleeps with.
Callie: That’s the same thing I keep telling myself about Arizona: that I don’t care. And ya know what? Sometimes it works, for the most part. But then, a patient gets asked to move across the country for a man she barely knows. And all I can think is how stupid they were to let each other go in the first place.

Callie: [sighs] All I want is for her to change her mind and say, “Yes.” I want to believe.

That all? While you’re at it, why not ask for a live unicorn?

In minor medical news, a victim of texting-while-driving and the BFF she met in the burn unit remind Meredith what friendships between women should mean, even if it means only having one decent profile, each.

Meredith finds Owen and tells him to man up: “Cristina loves you. And I want to, but I can’t, because I want to punch you in the face right now. I know you tried to have Teddy fired. And I believe it’s ’cause you love her. If you are actually the good guy that [Cristina] thinks you are, you will tell her. And if you don’t, I’ll know and you’ll know, that you are not that guy.”

I loves me some Cristina, but I can’t say I care a whole lot about Yangen. Or Owstina. Or whatever their fans are calling them. More importantly, Callie and Mark realize they have the same problem, and it’s not how to get dressed and out of the on-call room in five seconds flat anymore. Callie reminds Mark that dopey Sloan and her baby aren’t reasons to keep Lexie away anymore.

Mark: She’s with Karev.
Callie: Yeah, well, Betty married Mike, but she never got over Henry.

Mark: [totally lost] What?
Callie: You don’t want 50 years to go by and realize that you let the love of your life get away. So, go. Try.
Mark: You going to try again with Robbins?
Callie: [sighs]
Mark: Why not?
Callie: Because, my reasons are still reasons.

Aw. Why don’t they just get a dog and treat it like a baby, like other lesbians? There. I fixed it. Now get back in bed, you two. And you’re welcome.

In a stairwell, Cristina and Owen finally have it out about Teddy. Yes, he told Derek to hire the other guy. He tells her he doesn’t know what he feels for her — she’s all wrapped up in his war stuff. But he knows what she means to him. A pager goes off. Too bad it’s neither of theirs. They look down.

Teddy really needs to learn how to knock.

Those three aren’t the only ones having heart attacks. Good old Henry almost croaks but the docs bring him back and tell him he needs a pacemaker. Betty is there, much to his surprise and delight. She’s decided she’ll move in with him after all. “I did the right thing once. Now, I’d like to do the wrong thing, see how that goes,” she says. Can someone give Betty U-Haul’s number? I know one of you has it on speed dial.

In other happy endings, Ben tells Bailey he flirts to make his job easier. But he saves his “A” game flirting for her. Because with her, he means it. He smiles at her, his voice as deep and smooth as an R&B deejay.

She holds out just long enough to lecture him about playing games, but then, melts. Ben is the Billy Dee Williams of anesthesiologists.

Mark finds Lexie and tells her he’s still in love with her. She stammers that she already has a boyfriend. He tells her she could have a husband. Wow. And it’s written all over Lexie’s poker face: Mrs. Dr. Lexie Grey-Sloan. So long, Alex the Duck. Welcome back, Alex the Dick.

Arizona steps onto the elevator. Callie’s already in there. Arizona turns and ignores her ex.

Callie studies the back of Arizona’s head. She starts quietly, “Arizona —” Before she can finish, Arizona turns and silences her with kisses.

The doors open. Arizona steps off and doesn’t look back, leaving Callie breathless and speechless.

Damn it. That is one fast elevator.

Later that night, Cristina bumps Derek from his side of the bed so she can tell Meredith she’s not moving in with Owen. Meredith shows her the blueprint for the house she and Derek plan to build. It has a Cristina Yang Memorial Bedroom. Love, in all its many forms.