“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.8 “Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear”

A Road to Nowhere — This week, our heroines continue their getaway into the wilds of … well, Los Angeles County. Ashley is at the helm of her sports car while Spencer is napping.

The song “You Can Sleep While I Drive” is not playing in the background.

Spence awakens from a bad dream, and Ash ventures a guess at the contents. “What, that we went all Thelma and Louise on your family because they found out their daughter’s gay?”

Which is to say that they would knock off a bunch of gas stations, pick up a guy, and eventually drive off a cliff as mostly platonic BFFs.

God, I hope not.

Spencer’s with me on this. “Good thing that’ll never happen. We’re not crazy, right? I can’t let my mom keep us apart. It’s not right.” Ashley agrees that Paula is out of line, but harshes Spencer’s (and my) mellow when she adds, “But we do have to go back and face her sooner or later.”

Spencer votes for later. When Ash asks her where she wants to go, Spencer whips out the map and studies it for about as long as she spends in the classroom during any given SON episode. Then she then tosses it out of the car.

Spencer: You know what? We can go anywhere!
Ashley: I love anywhere.

Spencer throws her arms up in the air and yelps like a coyote.

Carlin Command Post — Big surprise here: Paula is melting down. After trying unsuccessfully to call Spencer, she fumes, “So she doesn’t want to answer her phone? Fine! I’m calling the police and having them put out an AMBER Alert!”

Arthur tries to talk her off the ledge: “We know that they haven’t been kidnapped. Ashley’s mom says she’s done this before, and she always comes home.”

Paula snorts, “Well, you’ll forgive me if I’m not following that woman’s lead.”

For a moment, Arthur gets confused and starts talking about the situation as if he’s dealing with someone on his wavelength. “Spencer’s been hurt. She’s just reacting to a traumatic —”

Paula interrupts: “Wait. Are you blaming me?” Her fierce tone and narrowed eyes make me want to hide under my desk. Good luck, Arthur.

Arthur: Well you did everything but kick her out the door.

Surprisingly, she does not deck him. She looks over at her remaining kids, Dumb and Dorkier, who are probably shivering in their Skechers. There are no comments from the peanut gallery.

Having survived this mission, he sends Mother Superior off to work and tells her he’s got it under control. And he even gives her a nice little kiss.

Freeway of Love — The adventure continues, and they still haven’t settled on a destination. Without that map they probably wouldn’t know how to get there, anyway.

Spencer throws her arms up in the air and shimmies, “How about San Francisco? Wooohooooo!”

If she gets this excited about taking the 5 freeway up to SF, imagine the sort of response a trip to Tahiti might elicit! Ashley really needs to think this destination thing through.

For Spencer, this sort of uninhibited behavior really is out of character. Is this what happens when she’s free from Paula’s tractor beam?

Nah. It’s just a sugar rush. Spencer admits that she’s chowed down four doughnuts, which in Los Angeles is a misdemeanor. So it’s a good thing they got out of town.

Sugar is apparently a mild aphrodisiac as well, because Spencer finally remembers that she’s on a romantic getaway with her hot girlfriend. She moons, “I’m sorry. I’m just so excited that we’re away from everyone. Just you, me and the doughnuts.”

Ashley says suggestively, “I think I can do better than doughnuts.”

Does this mean they’re going to find a restaurant, or was that some sort of innuendo? And why haven’t these two pulled over and made out already?