“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (1.09): You do anything to protect “family”

Before we get started, I’d like to lodge a complaint with TNT. Last week’s Rizzoli & Isles episode was supposed to end with Maura giving Jane a comforting shoulder rub after the former made the unfortunate decision to experiment with her sexuality and suck face with FBI Agent Boring McBeards-a-Lot. We all know that’s just a phase. Never cut touching between Jane and Maura, TNT. Ever.

There, now that that’s settled, on to this week’s fresh lesbian subtext. This episode was a bit like an episode of Lassie, where Lassie is Jane Rizzoli and Timmy is Maura Isles. What is it, Jane? Maura’s in trouble? You mean she has been kidnapped? Well come on, we have to save Maura!

But first, some guy gets ice picked to death in his car. Though, I guess these things are bound to happen when your head resembled a block of ice. The next morning Jane arrives on scene. First thing she does on scene, after telling some random dude stuck in the ensuing traffic jam to “shut up,” is to inquire about Maura. And then she says that Maura shouldn’t wear high heels to a crime scene. Maura arrives on cue, looking fresh from a fashion shoot in her high heels. You have to look nice for your lady, am I right, femmes?

Jane asks if she could run in them, which Maura concedes is not a good idea. But they do look nice tossed off lying on your bedroom floor, am I right, butches?

A tow truck driver arrives to take away stabbed in the head dude’s car. The driver gives Jane some lip, which clearly she is not taking and asks him, “What is the male equivalent for bitchy? Dicky?” OK, that has officially entered my vocabulary.

Back at the crime lab, they’re going over the dead guy’s car with him still inside. Maura notices that his fingerprints have been burned off with acid. And she also notes that fingertips have 250 nerve receptors per square centimeter. I wonder why she would know so much about the sensitivity of fingertips.

But before we can grill Maura on exactly how she uses those sensitive fingertips, Maura gets a phone call saying her DNA has been cross contaminated with the victims. Jane tells her to resend it, saying “Maura, you must have done something screwy.” I like anytime Jane uses the words “Maura” and “screw” in the same sentence. But Maura does not cross contaminate. This guy is her half brother.