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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (1.10): Janie’s Got a Gun

OK, OK, you guys – calm down. We can get through this together. First things first: Holy expletive deleted! Second thing: Who needs a hug? Third thing: Rizzoli & Isles is coming back for a second season next summer and they aren’t going to suddenly rename the show & Isles. So, relax, Jane Rizzoli will be fine. But still, dude, what kind of crazy ass finale was that?

Unlike past episodes where you could spot the drunk at the party as the person who picked “touching” in the Rizzoli & Isles Lesbian Subtext Drinking Game, for the finale the surefire road to alcoholism was choosing “gunfire.” Hell, even mentioning the title, “When the Gun Goes Bang, Bang, Bang,” gets you three shots into your night. So let’s just wade right in and give your friend who picked shooting as her drink cue a bucket. She is going to need it.

Hey kids, crack is whack. So, you know, don’t smoke it. And definitely don’t smoke it in a warehouse above an illegal drug ring where an undercover cop is about to be shot in the head. I’m just saying, I think that would bring down your buzz. Also, drugs are bad.

But look who it is doing the smoking: it’s Melonie Diaz from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. If you yelled that at your screen when you saw her you have a) seen too many lesbian movies b) probably just got punched in the arm by your girlfriend because she knows you just remember her for those lips.

I’d also like to note that hiring an actress who was the lead in film only lesbians (and perhaps a few drunken frat boys) saw cranks the subtext meter up past 11. I mean, really, TNT – we’re on to you.

So crack gal hears some noises, which turn out to be the aforementioned undercover cop about to get killed. He stole a little packet of cocaine, which the boss finds out about. And he is wearing a wire, which the boss also finds out about. So the boss goes bang. But who is the boss? Well not Tony Danza or anyone we know yet. But we do know that an apple a day for this poor guy will not keep Dr. Maura Isles away.

We go from an execution to an exercise room where Jane and Maura are working out together. Maura is staring at the biceps of some guy doing curls. Naturally, this makes Jane uncomfortable. Maura says it is normal for females to be attracted to the most dominant males. Every lesbian at home snorts a little into her beer. I think Jane’s face says everything we need to say on the subject, don’t you?

We all know this flirting with the musclehead is just an elaborate ploy to make Jane jealous. But, just as it seems to be working, Maura says she has to leave because her tortoise Bass is sick. We could spend considerable time deconstructing what it means that Dr. Isles has a pet with a hard exterior to protect a soft, vulnerable underbelly, but, instead, Jane gets a call on her cell. It’s the neighborhood bar owner telling her about some surprise party she knows nothing about. Can, open. Worms, everywhere.

The party is a welcome home fete for the Rizzoli clan’s wayward son, Tommy. Jane and Frankie have a brother who was in prison for hitting a priest while driving drunk. And you thought you were the black sheep in your family just because you’re gay. The two cops in the family are none too pleased about the party plans. But before we can be bored more by this subplot Jane gets another call: they’ve found the dead apple-eating, coke-stealing, wire-wearing cop.

At the scene, long faces and downcast eyes abound. Det. Korsak and Jane are both visibly upset. Jane knows right away the bullet was a .45 caliber which I must admit in this sad moment is kind of hot. The chief tells everyone this is their only case and the only officer he wants at headquarters is the one manning the desk.

Before we can consider if this is a good idea, the dead cop’s partner Bobby storms in all accusations and pointy fingers. Hey, it’s Erik Palladino from ER. Where’d his hair go?

Jane takes Bobby back to headquarters to interview him, but not before Maura finds a cigarette pack in the victim’s shirt pocket and gives it to Jane to log into evidence. Hey, didn’t I say something about not smoking earlier? Keep that in mind.

At the precinct, Jane and Maura are getting coffee. Maura wants to leave a $20 in the “Don’t be a jerk” jar. Jane grabs her hand and tells her leaving a $20 makes her a jerk. Touching! Listen, people, it’s going to be a plot-heavy episode; we’ll take our subtext where we can get it.

Both women are preoccupied, though. Maura is worried about Bass, who won’t eat anything. She has brought him with her to work to hand feed and generally baby. I’m not sure about the wisdom of bringing something to the morgue to get better, but her concern is cute nonetheless. Jane, meanwhile, is salting her coffee. She says it is about Bobby, but really it is about Tommy. Maura knows, a girlfriend always knows.

They leave to head their separate ways – Jane upstairs, Maura downstairs. They pause in their respective elevators to gaze at one another. Maura tells her, “If you want to talk about your brother, or just avoid the subject, I’m here.” And then they give each other intense eye sex. What? You know that’s true.

Jane interviews Bobby, who was partners with dearly deceased Danny for nine years. He says he thinks Danny was a dirty cop. I feel like I should say something about casting the first stone here. Oh well, I’m sure the feeling will pass. Frankie interrupts them to say they found the crack smoking girl, who for clarity’s sake I’m going to call Itty Bitty. Jane puts her gun in her desk drawer before she goes in to interview her. Pens go in desk drawers, not guns, Jane.

In the interview room, Itty Bitty is a twitchy mess. Drugs are bad, m’kay. She gets even more twitchy when Jane tells her the shooters she can identify killed a cop. Itty Bitty can’t decide if she should take her chances with the killers or with the cops. Look at this lady’s face, Itty Bitty. Go with Jane.

But then, in the most polite terms possible, all hell breaks loose. The heavy from the warehouse shows up at the front desk which, remember, that one lone cop is manning. Bang, bang, the body count rises. He brings in his crew of gun-toting baddies who set up a cellphone jammer, take out the antenna and cut the power. We could get into a drawn-out discussion about how ridiculous it is that five or six guys can take over an entire police station. But then they shoot Frankie and you’re like, “Dammit, he was the good brother.”

In the ME’s office, Maura brings Bass some fresh lettuce. It’s so cute, I want to hold on to the cute.

But things get real uncute real fast. The baddies are searching for something outside of her office. They shoot up the evidence lockers. Luckily Maura was kneeling down to feed Bass (oh, I see why he’s in this episode now, proceed) so they didn’t see her. I think putting Maura in danger is the Rizzoli & Isles equivalent of putting Willow in danger on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Automatic fan heart attack.

In the interrogation room, Itty Bitty is still wigging out but this time she has reason. Jane sees the men through the window and reaches for her gun. Doh! So they flee into the stairwell, but Itty Bitty won’t be quiet even though armed men who want to kill them are roaming nearby. I don’t care if she did kiss a girl in another movie, she needs to shut the hell up.

Jane leaves her to check on the other officers assuring Itty Bitty she’ll be safer in the stairwell. Rule No. 1 of cop shows: if someone says you’ll be safe, you won’t be. Jane goes to her desk to get her gun, but it’s not there. Also the phones don’t work and the computers are dead. So no IMing Maura with, “Hey QT, RU OK?” But don’t think she didn’t try.

I’d like to note that during this whole siege the soundtrack is this endless pulsing beat that just loops and loops and loops. We get it, we’re tense. Adding to the tension is the screams of Itty Bitty in the stairwell. Jane runs to find a baddie standing over her lifeless body. He points his gun at Jane but is gunned down by a limping Bobby who has been shot in the leg. All heroes are exactly as they appear, right?

Jane and Bobby puzzle over what the bad guys want. They’ve killed the witness already but are still in the building. Also, why would they go through all the desks? I think I need a smoke break to figure this one out. Oh, right, I don’t smoke. But Jane’s first concern is simple: “I’ve got to find Maura and get her out of here.” Go get your girl, girl!

Of course, let’s not forget that Jane has a brother. No, not the bad brother – it’s Frankie who calls up to Jane from the stairwell. His bullet proof vest caught the fire, but he is still badly hurt. They bring him to the ME’s office where Jane lets out a few strangled cries of “Maura! Maura!” If Frankie wasn’t possibly mortally wounded I’m pretty sure they would have hugged once they found each other — and more, in my mind.

Frankie gets put on “the dead person table,” (another beer snort for those at home) and we see that while his vest saved him from the bullets, it didn’t save him from the massive internal bleeding. Also, he has one hell of an ugly bruise. Bobby offers Jane his gun, but she tells him to keep it and watch the door. Rule No. 2 of cop shows: Always take the gun.

Maura tries to remember her ABC: airway, breathing, circulation. But Frankie’s injuries are “worse than bad.” I’d be happy about all the intense Maura/Jane eye contact here but, you know, Frankie is dying and it seems sort of insensitive.

Back at the crime scene important police business is happening. I’m really not sure why all this important police business couldn’t be happening in the precinct. It’s not like the precinct has computers and phones and databases and all that stuff for them to use.

All of a sudden Frankie starts to have trouble breathing. Maura says it is tension pneumothorax, which Jane promptly looks up in a medical book. Something tells me Jane isn’t a stranger to looking up the things Maura says in reference books.

This tension thing is, of course, worse than bad meaning it leads to death. Maura is reluctant to do anything without confirming her diagnosis. (Maura = Facts!) Jane implores her to do it because her guesses are better than most doctors confirmations. (Jane = Emotions!) Because having your girlfriend let your brother die in front of you is unacceptable, they rush to get a needle and both sanitize it with rubbing alcohol together. More touching. Look, this is a grim episode, I’m going to talk about every last bit of touching.

Back at the Bar of Obliviousness, mama and papa Rizzoli are preparing the party for their delinquent son. Of course, he lets them down and says he isn’t coming. Don’t cry for that deadbeat when your good son is lying on the dead table with a needle sticking out of his chest, woman.

At the crime scene where everyone is still milling about in very useful ways, Korsak and Frost finally catch on that all is not well back at headquarters. Some detectives you are, boys.

Frankie is getting worse, his heart can’t pump and he is spitting up blood. Jane implores Maura, “But you helped him before.” Yes, because Maura is magic. Well, her fabulous shiny, bouncy hair is magic. Desperation builds and Jane tells her not to let Frankie die and that she is the only one who can save him. No pressure, though, you know.

The detectives arrive and are greeted by gunfire. They radio for help and the cavalry arrives. Well, three police cars and a SWAT van arrive. Seriously, this is a police station — shouldn’t like the Army, Marines, Navy and, heck even Merchant Marines all be there or something? This is no time to scrimp on resources.

Korsak decides to try using the walkie talkies, which Jane happens to have grabbed earlier. Sure, grab a walkie talkie but not the gun. Whatever. They puzzle over what the bad guys might want some more. Maura remembers that they shot up the evidence lockers looking for something. Jane give her that incredulous, “Honey, you could have told me that earlier”-face. Come on, Jane, she was a little busy trying to save your brother’s life.

But what could it be they want? Again, I feel a strange urge to take a smoke break. Oh, wait, it’s the pack of cigarettes they took from the victim earlier. This is when Bobby, the guy holding the only gun in the room, takes notice. Turns out Danny didn’t smoke.

Just then the other baddie with the even bigger gun enters the room. We know he is bad because he sneers a lot. I think if he had a mustache he’d be twirling it, too. He does a lot of pointing of his gun and threatening with his sneer about the cigarettes. But when Jane retrieves them, he tells her to throw them to Bobby. And if you didn’t see that plot twist coming you deserve a patented Jane Rizzoli incredulous stare.

Bobby is running the drug ring. And he killed Danny because he wouldn’t stop digging. But the cigarettes had a camera in it that can identify him. Um, wait, but the pack was buttoned up in his shirt pocket. So then wouldn’t it only have recorded a bunch of cotton fibers?

But this is no place for logic, people, because before you can say “How will our heroines get out of this mess?” Bobby shoots the sneering bad guy. Jane protecting Maura and Frankie here is the bravest, butchest thing I’ve ever seen.

Bobby says he is going to come out looking like the hero for killing the bad guys, but not until after he kills Jane, Maura and Frankie. I’m just relieved he hasn’t seen Bass. Because I can forgive a lot of things, but killing a beloved pet isn’t one.

Maura sneakily pushes the walkie talkie against the autopsy table so everyone can hear what’s happening. Work those heels, honey. Bobby conveniently lays out his whole plan and nefarious deeds for the detective on the other end to hear. And before he can shoot our girls he gets called out by Korsak.

Korsak tells him it is over, which of course is Rule No. 3 of cop shows: it’s never over when you say it’s over. Maura has her hand on Jane’s back. (The touching, I’m clinging to the touching.) But Bobby takes Jane hostage anyway and Maura reaches out to stop it. Jane reassured her it’ll be OK. Oh, this gun pointed at my head? It’s nothing dear.

Just as Bobby drags Jane away, SWAT arrives and Maura tells them to help Frankie. Bobby busts out the front door with Jane as his shield. Really, not a side exit or, say, the back door which you were standing right beside? Drama queen.

Jane is yelling about Frankie and telling everyone to shoot. OK, remember before when I said Jane did the bravest, butchest thing I’d ever seen? I lied. This is the bravest, butchest thing I’ve ever seen.

Yes, she shoots Bobby through herself. Butch up, Olivia Benson, there’s a new most badass female cop on television and her name is Jane Rizzoli. Maura runs out at the same time and her face, oh ladies, her face. And then Jane’s face. Her eyes close and the screen faded to black.

Granted, we know Jane can’t die. But, still, making us wait an entire year to see what kind of hole Jane just blew into herself is just cruel. Though we can all take comfort in all the fan-fic that is sure to feature Maura tenderly attending to Jane’s wounds and nursing her back to health. Plus, Maura doesn’t even have to play at being a doctor. Though, it’s probably more fun if they do anyway.

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