“The Real Housewives of Atlanta” Mini-Cap: “New Attitude”

Clearly, the Real (or Fake) Bisexual Housewives of all cities are trying to best each other in a showdown for the title of the ultimate bi-curious fortysomething (hey, it’s never too late to discover your sexuality — especially if it involves way too much press and attention). Last week, we told you about bisexual trainer Fernanda Rocha joining the Housewives of O.C., but this week, the spotlight’s back on ATL to set the record straight — heh — with Kim Zolciak.

In last night’s premiere of Season 3, NeNe barges in on Shereé’s feeble attempt at acting (can you believe it? She’s never taken an acting class!) because, girl, Shereé will never believe what NeNe found at the grocery store: an issue of Life & Style magazine, in which fellow Southern Belle Kim Zolciak states proudly, “Yes, I’m bisexual,” with an accompanying article about Kim’s relationship with DJ Tracy Young (no one is allowed to just say “Tracy Young” without the “DJ” in front).  

NeNe gives a wonderfully dramatic and valley girl-tinged reading of the interview with Kim, who proclaims, “Love has no gender.” Shereé is surprised that Kim “came out as a lesbian” — and is clearly confused, because nobody said anything about lesbians — but reasons, after all, that Kim is a media whore. A housewife on Bravo — a media whore? Never!

NeNe comments, “DJ Tracy Young looks like she’s very experienced with women” — cue signature guffaw. Now, now, NeNe, are you saying that just because DJ Tracy Young has short hair and is dressed in black, she must have a lot of experience with women? How rude. How sadly accurate, though.

Still skeptical, NeNe asks Shereé if she ever suspected anything, but Kim’s never hit on Shereé, so how could she have known? NeNe declares that if Kim really is bisexual, she’ll support her; she is, after all, “big fun” and a pop star! NeNe and Shereé break it down to “Tardy for the Party.”

Perhaps seeking atonement for strangling Kim, NeNe dons a gown, hires a chef, and invites Kim over to bury the hatchet and chat about politics, culture, and global warming. Psych! She obvi wants to get the 411 from the bisexual “pop star” herself. Kim tells her, “The whole world knows” about DJ Tracy Young, and assures NeNe that the rumors are true: she had a “connection” with DJ Tracy Young.

What was so special about DJ Tracy Young, NeNe wonders, and is Kim in love?

Kim, quite the charmer, rationalizes that it was about timing — they both had just ended long-term relationships — and while love has no gender, Kim is definitely not in love.

Then, of course, Kim talks about how she’s been “chasin’ d–k” since she “came out of the womb,” so she understands why NeNe can’t wrap her head around Kim switching to the other side for a hot second. Kim reveals, “Only a woman knows what a woman wants,” and that DJ Tracy Young did the same things to her in the bedroom that husband Greg does to NeNe. NeNe then considers dating a girl (but not really).

Up next on the circuit, Kim has some explaining to do to Kandi, to whom Kim had promised that she wouldn’t put “that part of her life” out for the world to see. So why the hell did Kim do it? For the publicity? To support her smash-hit single? No, silly! She wanted to speak for herself for a change. But amping up her 15 minutes of fame didn’t hurt, either.

And how did Big Poppa, Kim’s former fiance, feel about her bi dabbling? Kim gasps, “You’re worse than the tabloids!” and balks at the subject. Kandi, I’m sure you could just Google her and find out for yourself; it’s not like she’s actually trying to keep her personal life under wraps.

Speaking of “Googling,” how fitting that Kim’s new, 100% auto-tuned single is entitled “Google Me”: G-o-o-g-l-e Me/research me/you’ll find me/click them keys and Google me.

This season on Housewives: drama, drama, and more drama, and Kim slept with a woman — big deal, move on.

Hooray for Atlanta being back on and mass viewing parties with gay boyfriends!